Like i surmised.. Fusion was a weird event for me. Don't get me wrong, i really did have a good time. But for the most part, navigating that event was like wandering through a maze. I made it out at the end but i'm not sure how i got there. I've been processing a lot of stuff since i got home, when i'm not sleeping.
Good, amazing and wonderful things
Weird stuff and processing
Ive never gone to an event where i didn't have someone there 'with' me, aka, being some kind of primary play partner or sharing my bed. I process almost everything i do play wise via touch and cuddling and fucking at night in the morning is a lot of that. I had some sex at the event but not nearly as much as i would have liked. Operating with other peoples schedules makes doing things difficult. Things like playing or fucking or even sleeping together. I spent a lot of the event feeling like an awkward third wheel which was difficult. All of my regular and casual partners had someone (at least one someones) there with them.
Friday night after service, i wanted to spend a little alone time at the site where my sadist buried me last year. I was not prepared at all for someones tent to be on the exact spot the hole was. That fucked with me in a really, really bad way. My sadist could not come out to the event and i wanted those few minutes to remember what we did last year and get some closure on him not being there with me this year. When i was denied that opportunity, it really fucked with me. I remember standing in the field seething at this tent. I don't even know whose tent it was. But someone saw me giving this tent (and presumably) its occupant a serious stink eye and started making faces at me. To those people, i'm sorry. I couldn't verbalize what i wanted in that moment, and i wouldn't have had a conversation with people i didn't know about this. I know how stupid it sounds, being upset about a used-to-be-hole in the ground... But i don't know. I don't accept change well and this was the *one* connection i would have had to him while i was at camp. My mood caused me to cancel a scene i'd had set up for that evening. I was in a bad place. Luckily i have a really great support network of people who understood.
A majority of the scenes i did this year at Fusion weren't sexual, which was hard. I literally can't separate sex and kink. I can have 'just' sex, but i can't do 'just' bdsm. If we're playing, i'm turned on even if nothing is touching or penetrating or fucking. I'll need to make some adjustments for next year, or next event. I can do some play without having to include sexual contact, especially if it's someone new. But for the most part, i don't feel like my needs are being met if i can't get release in some way. When we got back home from camp i was so horny, i still am. Apparently that's the reason why. For me to do a ton of scenes in that way is not a really great thing for me.
I need to do all my pet play stuff in the first day or so of events.. If i do it any later, my masochsim takes over and i'm in too much pain to do four legged pet play.
I should bring some slightly warmer clothes to camp.
All in all, i really did have a good event, i just wish i could have gotten more out of it.
Good, amazing and wonderful things
- I asked someone i've never really met before to play, or at least talk about playing. That didn't happen, but we did chat and i've got the biggest fangirl crush ever. This was a huge step for me because i am god awful at asking others for play, especially if i don't know them that well.
- Had a scene with someone i've played with before that involved a lot of punching, including cunt punching! I like cunt punching. I was so sore. Taking out my VCH is a really good idea before hand...
- I had an *amazing* rope scene with someone i've played with very very lightly before that pushed me in ways i didn't realize i could be pushed in rope. I don't really consider myself a ropey person. I usually describe myself as the worlds worst rope bottom. But i didn't have any of my usual problems. Dynamic suspension. I was even single foot for a minute. I never thought i would be able to handle that. Oh and there was boots. On my face and in my cunt and everything that makes me a happy melty puddle of goo. I remember how i felt, and pushing my body to its stretching limit. But i really hope one of the photographers got a few of that scene. It was outside KIC on the bamboo rig. I almost never see myself in rope and i love playing with those i actually seem to have some kind of chemistry with.
- Pain with rope with another partner. Two rope scenes? You'd better believe it. Humiliation, exposure and some objectification. I played in the dungeon! And I CRIED! It was amazing.
- I had a really intense public humiliation scene with my trainer. He took me out front of sex o rama (on the grass) and brutalized, fucked and abused me until he was done. We tried face punching, and did a lot of face slapping, and throat fucking. Apparently i squirt if you bite my feet... I don't know how i feel about that. I think that's pretty fucked up. He hooded me and then wrote a lot of awful stuff on me. I hope next time he uses permanent markers...
- I was bacon table at the IE Extravaganza on Saturday night. I love being a table. Being human furniture is great. Table, footrest, anything. I just wish that sometimes people would treat me more like a table. Trying to eat food off of me in a sexy manor will *never* be hot. I'm sorry. I just like to be a table. For those of you asking about how to remove food off of me, or treat me, thank you. Also, thanks for not fucking the table. That isn't what i'm there for. I was, however, leashed to the table legs by my cunt piercings. Unfff.
- I co-hosted our first big event Cigars Boots and Chocolate social with Daddy and my sister. It was spectacular! I prepped at least 40 cigars, and did finally get to smoke myself at the end of the night. I taught so many people about cigars. One of the things i absolutely love is picking out cigars for people.
- I did dinner service for some friends of ours and learned how to prep and maintain a hookahs.
- I taught two classes for Fusion, Pet Play: Do it Like an Animal and Forming a Relationship with Pain. This was the first time i taught the pain class and i think it went really well.
- I socalized and met FAR more people this event than last Fusion. This was both a good and a not so good thing. I have a limit for how much peopling i can tolerate and hit that wall a few times over the weekend. If you came into KIC and into cabin K and i was just on the bed not doing anything that was me hitting that wall. A big thanks to my friends for chilling out and just letting me be weird if i needed to be weird.
Weird stuff and processing
Ive never gone to an event where i didn't have someone there 'with' me, aka, being some kind of primary play partner or sharing my bed. I process almost everything i do play wise via touch and cuddling and fucking at night in the morning is a lot of that. I had some sex at the event but not nearly as much as i would have liked. Operating with other peoples schedules makes doing things difficult. Things like playing or fucking or even sleeping together. I spent a lot of the event feeling like an awkward third wheel which was difficult. All of my regular and casual partners had someone (at least one someones) there with them.
Friday night after service, i wanted to spend a little alone time at the site where my sadist buried me last year. I was not prepared at all for someones tent to be on the exact spot the hole was. That fucked with me in a really, really bad way. My sadist could not come out to the event and i wanted those few minutes to remember what we did last year and get some closure on him not being there with me this year. When i was denied that opportunity, it really fucked with me. I remember standing in the field seething at this tent. I don't even know whose tent it was. But someone saw me giving this tent (and presumably) its occupant a serious stink eye and started making faces at me. To those people, i'm sorry. I couldn't verbalize what i wanted in that moment, and i wouldn't have had a conversation with people i didn't know about this. I know how stupid it sounds, being upset about a used-to-be-hole in the ground... But i don't know. I don't accept change well and this was the *one* connection i would have had to him while i was at camp. My mood caused me to cancel a scene i'd had set up for that evening. I was in a bad place. Luckily i have a really great support network of people who understood.
A majority of the scenes i did this year at Fusion weren't sexual, which was hard. I literally can't separate sex and kink. I can have 'just' sex, but i can't do 'just' bdsm. If we're playing, i'm turned on even if nothing is touching or penetrating or fucking. I'll need to make some adjustments for next year, or next event. I can do some play without having to include sexual contact, especially if it's someone new. But for the most part, i don't feel like my needs are being met if i can't get release in some way. When we got back home from camp i was so horny, i still am. Apparently that's the reason why. For me to do a ton of scenes in that way is not a really great thing for me.
I need to do all my pet play stuff in the first day or so of events.. If i do it any later, my masochsim takes over and i'm in too much pain to do four legged pet play.
I should bring some slightly warmer clothes to camp.
All in all, i really did have a good event, i just wish i could have gotten more out of it.
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