Big Coyote Energy

I'm a masochist. That term seems to create a lot of confusion for people, although i'm not exactly sure why. Masochism is in our acronym; BDSM. Bondage. Domination. Sadism. Masochism. It's right there. It's a readily available label in our list of labels on Fetlife (the same can't be said for other labels i'm fond of, like three-hole-fucktoy). So why is it so hard to understand what a masochist is when this term specifically is everywhere? A masochist commonly defined as a person who gets pleasure from pain. There are varying types of masochism, like physical masochism, sexual masochism and emotional masochism. But they all stem from the same time; pain leads to pleasure. I'm often asked "You're a masochist, right? So if I hurt you, you'll cum from it?" And the answer, to their surprise is always no. I don't orgasm from pain. It's just not how my sexual response cycle works. I eventually get pleasure from pain sensation, but i s...

[Erotica]: ----- "Get on your knees." His voice is cold and sterile. It's a demand but there is no anger behind it. I feel his hand thread through my collar and shove me down. I would have been willing to comply, but with my hands uncomfortably bound behind my back, getting on my knees without falling over is a harder task than normal. Gear ties. I hate gear ties. The rubber coating pinches at my skin. I try to rotate my wrists inside them to get them to sit more comfortably. It's a warm sunny day. I should be happy. But i'm not, i'm scared. My knees buckle and i drop my weight. He'll catch me. ..Or he won't. It doesn't really matter anymore. My thought stream is interrupted by the pressure on my neck changing direction. I know what he wants me to do, but i can't do it. I see the bucket sitting out on the grass. It's filled with cold water. It's orange and it's plastic and i hate it. I even have a healthy level of hatred for him...

Warning: edge play of all varieties mentioned. If it isn't your thing, i'd suggest turning back now. I think it's time i've accepted a few labels for myself; masochist, edge player, sick-fuck. Sexual guilt is actually something i've never dealt with before. I've always been very "on my own terms." I lost my virginity at 17 to a boy i really loved because we decided it was a good time for us (he was a virgin too, and a year younger than me). It was a good experience and we were together for a long time but i knew it wouldn't be forever. We're still friends to this day, he's pretty cool. I went through a "slut phase" in college because i felt like it and wanted to. My sexual partners (at the time) were all really cool about it. I had my first MFM threesome and OTHER people were so mad! How dare i let them take advantage of me! ...Excuse me? It was my fucking idea. We were sitting in a hot tub, chilling out (we may have been dr...

Trigger warning: drowning, blood, ..fuck a lot of blood, and needles. This write up explores most of my Sunday, it gives an inside perspective as to what i was feeling and how i was handled before my scene.  Sunday. I wake up to a text from my sadist "How anxious are you?" My reply; "i was feeling fine until you said something.." I feel my anxiety spike and i work to keep it down.  My phone goes off again: "I recommend that you stay hydrated today and this evening." "I'm trying to stay on top of it..". Phone buzzes again "That's scary." "What is?" "That you trust me." ' I do ' i think to myself.. If i didn't trust him, we wouldn't be doing this. I would never have consented, and he does actually have my consent. I mean, i have to get in the tub right? I told him i wouldn't struggle for that, not physically anyway, i wasn't going to fight him to get in the tub, most accidents in t...

I know i've addressed this before, but this is the new topic of interest flying around the fetlife, so i figured i would address it. I know i have other things i need to write about (hello Charm City Fetish Fair) but i'll get to those next week. Lets talk about safe words. We'll start with a basic definition. A "safe word" is a word or phrase than when said in the context of a BDSM scene, will stop the scene. This can be something general like "red" or it can be something that would not generally come up in the context of a scene ie "fruit basket" "platypus" or "Fluggaenkoecchicebolsen." Words like "no" "stop" and "oh fuck" are poor choices for safe words, as they are generally uttered during scenes anyway. In theory they sound like a great idea. Of course safe words have their place in the context of BDSM. The problem with them is twofold. 1. Safe wording can be seen as a "...

At least i didn't think i was. Because i'm not. I'm not supposed to be... In the last couple of months, the way i play has been changing.  I'm not supposed to be like this. Masochism goes against everything i understand about my existence. I'm hypersensitive.  Pain has always been part of a negative reinforcement loop. "If it feels bad, don't do it." It's like the fundamental law of my universe, followed quickly by "if it feels good, do it." While the mix up in interpretation isn't new, the realization of it is. I tend to play with partners who have a serious sadistic streak. If you would have asked me even a year ago if i could change the way i interpret sensation on this level, i would have thought you were clinically insane. I've been flirting with the idea of masochism, mostly as a a joke because look at me, i can't handle anything. I'm a self-described pansy. Tickling is on my hard limits list because it hurts. ...

I've been trying to write on the blog about FetFEST since Monday, and that's not happening. Let's try a different approach... --- FetFest, like other large events seemed to be a culminating event for me. I worked through a lot of shit, one of my regrets is not working through, and accepting more things. I never realized how much the storm at Fusion12 impacted me. Having a full 3 nights and 4 days to play and connect really showed me what this is about. My attitude coming out of FetFest12 is entirely different, probably because i didn't spend 48 hours trying to trick myself out of having a panic attack. Daddy and i arrived at camp Thursday evening and set up the tent in the dark. It was fun, and we finally got everything set up around 10pm. Friday was spent running around doing volunteer work and helping TNG Village come to life, taking time to swim nude. It was strange, while i had a welcome overabundance of amazing friends and chosen family i was lack...

I guess last weekends theme was "Fuck it, i'll try it!" Not even joking. I started off the weekend friday DCDungeon for Fet101. CurtisMercury was demoing floggers and whips. I've tried floggers before. Big, suede, leather floggers curtsey of Silver-Switch at DOWF. Curtis had with him a signal whip. The difference between a signal whip and a bull whip is a handle. A signal whip is braided all the way to the end. A bull whip has a distinct, gripable handle. It changes the way you use the whip. In a signal whip, the fall (end piece) is usually braided into the leather. The falls are replaceable, but with a signal whip they have to be braided back in. In a bull whip, the fall is a separate piece that is easy to switch out. This is easy if you're playing rough enough with other partners to start drawing blood. The falls are often made out of leather or nylon, neither of which are able to be completely disinfected once contaminated with blood or other body fluids....

How do you safe word when you forget you can talk? I don't generally post a lot of personal stuff like this to the blog, but it is extremely important for others to know that even in the most controlled environments something can go wrong. I will post an updated fet writing below about how i have had to alter my play styles based on a quirk that happens to me when i get pushed into deep subspace; i get non-verbal.  Below is a list of what i am planning on using to help me work through this issue. A friend of mine told me "tapping out" is a safe "word" he and his submissive use. In this instance that would not have worked for me because my hands were bound. Typically, people worry if a bottom is blindfolded and gagged. I had no gag and no blindfold, i was perfectly able to voice my colors but i forgot that i could talk. As i mention at the bottom of the writing i will start trying to use the flag or scarf dropping method of "safe wording." ----...

This is probably going to encompass a lot of things other than *just* went on a Winter Fire. I think Winter Fire was a culminating event for me. Kamm routinely points out that almost every scene i do pushes my own personal boundaries, and for some reason i don't actually think about that a lot. I haven't even been here for a year, i entered the scene on May 21, 2011, Kamms birthday. I was afraid of everything! I was afraid of the doorbell that Kamm rang to get us into the PlayHouse that very first time, so scared i jumped and knocked into the trashcans at the door and scared myself *again*. Now look at me. I'm a badass. But not as badass as Kamm... He got fucking abducted. Winter Fire gave me a lot of input on the direction in which i'd like to grow as a submissive. I still see myself as a submissive (with a curious, sly, bratty side) and maybe a little toppy, for rope especially, but the type of play i'd like to get into is a lot clearer now. I want...