Big Coyote Energy

*Note this was originally written January 2018, and was based on writings on fetlife.com at the time. *  How you can help instead of harm. A few key points to countering abuse, shitty behavior and making the scene (and the world) a better place. Discussions, writings upon writings upon writings on K&P, tears, heartfelt conversations, getting anxious on twitter (that last one is me), but what can we do to attempt to make improvements? Call out your friends. It doesn’t have to be publicly and it doesn’t have to be loudly. But if you see your friend do something shitty, or say something then. Something as simple as “Wow, that was shitty, why would you say that?” or “That wasn’t nice, you shouldn’t say that or do that to someone.” Will go a long way. It allows the group of people you’re in to also feel compelled to speak up. The bystander effect is real. When I started calling out the behavior of my relatives at holiday gatherings, shit got a lot better for everyone. And it ...

### A list of things that should be talked about. --- I found some words in my brain to vomit up and put on the internet. The following are my viewpoints, and my view points only. I'm concussed, so if this doesn't flow worth shit, file it under "things Ren does with a concussion." I will probably not be responding to comments in the long term. I may delete shitty off topic comments, or I might leave them and mock you, mercilessly. For transparency: I've done work for and gotten comped by DO for quite a few events. I host CBC for fusion, I boot black at Winter Fire, I have taught at previous events, I have run IONs. I have not paid to go to a DO event, short of this camp, in a hot minute. DO is my kink home and has been for a long time. I struggled for a while to figure out what to say, if anything, and how to say it, when I did figure out I wanted to talk. When you care about something, you should be honest. I care about the people who attend, my friends, ...

The entry below is a response I wrote to a person inquiring about a type of edge play I've done in the past; consensual mysogeny.  Some of it has been slightly edited to make more sense to a general audience, but I thought it would be a good way to start the conversation. What do you do when you encounter a type of play that you find uncomfortable within the general scope of the community?  You're going to find a lot of stuff in the scene that is going to make you uncomfortable. There are still things I don't want to witness or be a part of, and that is where an amazing phrase called "My kink is not your kink, and that's OK" comes in. You're absolutely free to acknowledge and avoid types of play you don't favor. Everyone does it, everything has something, no matter how mundane you think it may be, or how revolting or unsettling it may be.  This area (the one I live in) is very accepting of a lot of types of edge play that other areas aren't. ...

Five people have told me "But I thought you'd like it!" In their own defense after they violated my consent, or had done something in play that we did not discuss. I'll speak about different things that have happened to me over the course of my involvement in the BDSM/Kink lifestyle. I've been active in the scene for about 4 years. I'm leaving the locations and names private so that I can cross post this to fettle. Feel free to PM me for the fet names of who these people were, except 2. I never got their fet name. The first time I ever encountered someone who did something non-consensually to me, I was at a public dungeon party at (now defunct but renamed) venue. I was negotiating a knife scene with someone I had never played with before, and part of our negotiation was them asking me the question "Are you ok with knives around your pussy?" I was, and informed them that I was fine with knives near my crotch. During this scene, this person took ...

This blog explains consent really, really well. You should read it. If you’re still struggling, just imagine instead of initiating sex, you’re making them a cup of tea.  You say “hey, would you like a cup of tea?” and they go “omg fuck yes, I would fucking LOVE a cup of tea! Thank you! * ” then you know they want a cup of tea.

But stop touching people without their consent. At the last 2 events I've been two, I've had THREE people touch me, two of them being complete strangers. Don't put your hand on someone's hip when you don't know them. Hell, don't put your hands on someone elses body or possessions if you don't know them. Don't stick your head and face on me without my permission when I'm doing sushi table stuff. You want to keep your sushi table, right? I want to keep being a sushi table, but I get way skeeved out when someones face comes at me from nowhere and goes right towards my crotch. Not cool. You know what's even shitter? When I call someone on doing that and then they just walk away without saying anything. If someone else does this again, venue management WILL be talking to you and if I'm up for it, I will also be saying something to you because you need to be called on your shitty behavior. I do not care if you're new. Do not pass go. Do not col...

I was asked to put this in a writing: There was more of this that I wanted to address, but people have already gotten there. The one thing that is missing is this: These people are not healthy. Even if it is consensual. Consent doesn't make it OK to do harm. This is another way to say "bottoms have no agency." Or "bottoms are damaged people." STOP IT. JUST STOP. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Consent is exactly what makes it okay to do harm. Stop telling people that consent isn't enough. Because if consent is not enough than we are not adults and have no right to partake in any of this. I'm upset and frustrated at this train of thought being continued. It's been MONTHS of this; Bottoms can't consent. Bottoms can't this, or can't that. Bottoms are damaged people. Etc, etc, etc. Consent is what we do. Consent is what we deal with. If you aren't ok with someone else giving consent for an act, then you know what you do?...

I'm generally pretty good about dictating or negotiation my regular interactions with others. Sometimes I'm huggy, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I prefer a handshake, sometimes I want a kiss. I communicate these needs if you're someone I routinely interact with related to them. Close friends I'm generally ok with being hugged by. I will let you know if this is not the case (like if I've got a busted rib or other injury). Or if I just don't want to be glomped when arriving at an event. I don't like to be touched intimately by people I don't know well. It's not you, it's just how I am.  I'm generally very ok with these interactions but there is one thing I need to speak up about because I say something about it over and over again. Spanking me is a hard limit. I don't like spanking. I can't process spanking. For the love of whatever god is your homeboy, DO NOT SPANK ME OUTSIDE OF A SCENE.  Don't spank me when I'm o...

I know i've addressed this before, but this is the new topic of interest flying around the fetlife, so i figured i would address it. I know i have other things i need to write about (hello Charm City Fetish Fair) but i'll get to those next week. Lets talk about safe words. We'll start with a basic definition. A "safe word" is a word or phrase than when said in the context of a BDSM scene, will stop the scene. This can be something general like "red" or it can be something that would not generally come up in the context of a scene ie "fruit basket" "platypus" or "Fluggaenkoecchicebolsen." Words like "no" "stop" and "oh fuck" are poor choices for safe words, as they are generally uttered during scenes anyway. In theory they sound like a great idea. Of course safe words have their place in the context of BDSM. The problem with them is twofold. 1. Safe wording can be seen as a "...

This article was written by Silk, a friend of mine. Daddy and i had just been discussing some of these exact issues yesterday on our way to work. Silk has given me permission to post the article he wrote (thank you). Please keep in mind when attending parties, events, etc, what the rules are for dealing with rape, sexual assault and other consent violations at the venue are. If you aren't sure then ask. You have a right to know how your safety is being looked at by the people hosting parties.  Why Would Somebody Not Report Sexual Assault/Rape In The Scene? There are many, many reasons why people may not report such terrible physical and emotional violations of their person. Adding that it happened with somebody from or in the scene makes it even more difficult. In the vanilla world alone 54% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police. (RAINN, 2012) It is estimated 97% of perpetrators won't spend a day in jail. (RAINN, 2012) So why not report both i...

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy. Copping out on this one, because i literally don't have one. Rhianna's S&M is the only BDSM related song that i know about. So... We'll go with that one? SURE. Day 10: What are your hard limits? There we go, something i can actually talk about. Hard limits...Hmmm... I've actually got a writing on this.  I break my limits up into two kinds of limits: soft limits and hard limits. Soft limits are things i'll consider doing with specific people, but not things i'm really into. Hard limits are the NOPES of my BDSM life. Hard Limits: The "usuals" (scat/children/animals/amputation/death) Oral sex related extreme gagging/vomit. Anything vomit related. Ingesting things not meant for human consumption. Electrocution/electric play involving piercings or insertable items (piercings, butt plugs, etc). The use or insertion of speculums. This includes oral/spider gags. Drowning Fire play T...

I'd like to take a moment to say that neither i (Jaine Lane) or the blog (eroticwetatomic.blogspot.com) condone any kind of sexual activity with those who can not offer consent themselves. This includes but is not limited to; children, animals, persons above legal consenting age who, for one reason or another are unable to offer informed consent on their own accord, etc. When; *Pet Play is mentioned, it is always referring to humans acting as, and assuming the role of animals. *Age Play or Little/Littles is mentioned, it is always referring to consenting adults taking on the role of a younger person. *Rape Play is mentioned, it is always referring to consenting adults engaging in consensual non-cosent play.  The stance of the EWA blog is that there are parties on this planet that can not offer their informed consent to activities or acts which they may unfortunately be a part of. If a party can not offer informed consent,  we can not condone action of this type. Every...