How You Can Help: some suggestions to make a difference in light of what has been going on in the scene.

*Note this was originally written January 2018, and was based on writings on fetlife.com at the time. * 

How you can help instead of harm. A few key points to countering abuse, shitty behavior and making the scene (and the world) a better place.

Discussions, writings upon writings upon writings on K&P, tears, heartfelt conversations, getting anxious on twitter (that last one is me), but what can we do to attempt to make improvements?

• Call out your friends. It doesn’t have to be publicly and it doesn’t have to be loudly. But if you see your friend do something shitty, or say something then. Something as simple as “Wow, that was shitty, why would you say that?” or “That wasn’t nice, you shouldn’t say that or do that to someone.” Will go a long way. It allows the group of people you’re in to also feel compelled to speak up. The bystander effect is real. When I started calling out the behavior of my relatives at holiday gatherings, shit got a lot better for everyone. And it wasn’t screaming, or yelling it was “Hey, Uncle XXXXX, why would you say that to your son? That’s a rude thing to say to someone” when my uncle started calling my cousin fat at the table. It can even be a text or PM after the event if you aren’t prepared to speak up in the moment. “Hey xxx, at Super Cool Awesome Party Last Weekend, I heard a convo between you and ThatOtherPerson where I believe you said “Something really shitty.” I don’t think that’s cool, and wanted you to know so you could make a note.” You can also say things along the lines of “It makes me feel (this way) when you talk to me (like that) or do (that) to me. Please don’t do that in the future.” If the thing happened to you, as opposed to something you overheard or were part of a group conversation for.

• Be ok with being called out on your shitty behavior, words, touch policies or actions. Does it feel good to get told “you did a bad” ? No. It doesn’t. But if we could accept some constructive criticism with a little grace and humility it would go along way. If your FRIENDS could say things to you, and be relatively certain you wouldn’t explode at them in response, people would be more willing to say something. People aren’t assuming you’re a shit weasel when the easier explanation is that you’re just uninformed, or operating with a poor consent model (as is taught and accepted in the USA). Don’t give them a reason to label you a shit weasel.

I’ve been corrected for saying things, using incorrect pronouns, making mistakes, etc. I’ve taken a deep breath, let the information sit for a minute AND THEN APOLOGISE FOR WHAT I DID. With an actual apology. “I’m so sorry XXX! Thank you for the correction on your pronouns. I will make a mental note and do better in the future. “ Notice how there is no “but” in that apology and I do not go into detail as to why I used the incorrect pronoun (in this case) or justify my use of incorrect pronouns. I try to be as conscious and aware as I can possibly be and I still make mistakes, it happens. People are not going to disown you for making a mistake. This is a fairly benign example, but the general concept still stands. I’ve made it 6 years without violating anyone’s consent (that I am aware of) so I don’t have those examples to draw from personally.

• Get enthusiastic consent. Often. Even if you have a 24/7 TPE dynamic, you can still garner enthusiastic consent. If you don’t know what enthusiastic consent is, I invite you to read some definitions ( enthusiastic : having or showing intense and eager enjoyment, interest, or approval..) ( consent: permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.) The USA has a shitty consent model based off of “Well, they didn’t say no, so it must be a yes.” What you are searching for, with enthusiastic consent is “YES! PLEASE!” A no is a no, a maybe is a no, and no response is a no. Those are not consent. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. It’s a big change, especially if you’re new to the scene. It’s huge. But even basic things “Can I give you a hug?” and then waiting for a positive response “Of course!” or “I’d love a hug!” That is enthusiastic consent on it’s most basic level. The other key factor here is that you need to leave room for a “no’ and then not get mad about it. “Can I give you a hug?” “No.” “Not today.” “No thank you, I’m not feeling well.” “Eh….” Those are all no’s. Or not consenting to hugs.

• If you teach, or run events, or do classes or have an event; GET PRESENTERS/EDUCATORS/ETC who value consent and talk about consent models in ALL THEIR CLASSES. You can ask to see outlines or syllabuses or teaching materials. Have a phone call. VET YOUR PRESENTERS. People don’t go to consent classes. They just don’t. Ask anyone who teaches on uncomfortable, non sexy topics. People do not attend them. Mandatory classes are a great idea, but difficult logistically, bordering impossible. People also lie (what I totally went to That Consent Class/101). (Dr House is right). If we can incorporate the unsexy parts into the sexy parts, we have more options to reach more people. Way more people go to rope classes than consent classes. Way more people go to any class, than a consent class.

• Presenters with demo bottoms. Show good negotiation technique inside your classes. I know a lot of stuff is hammered out before a class, but go over a quick version so attendees get a feel for the types of questions to ask when interacting with their own play partners. Even if, and especially if, you know the person demoing for you really well. So much can be picked up from on-going consent that attendees may get the impression it’s ok to behave a certain way because they saw SOANDSO do it at THATEVENT during THEIRCLASS.

• Demo bottoms in classes: If you can, find the courage to speak up during the class if something is happening. I know how difficult this can be. Even if it’s something silly. You know the trick of learning to say no? By saying it in the mirror to yourself? A pretend no during a class shows the attendees that sometimes people having things done to them DO HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. I don’t want to get into the nuances of how individual educators choose to teach, I’m just coming up with a list of things I’ve found useful in my own interactions. Talk to the person you’re demoing for and let them know you might do this. Work out a safe word or signal. USE IT IN FRONT OF THE CLASS.

• Attendees of classes! Ask questions about consent during class. Ask the demo bottoms how they feel about things, and how they've worked with issues in negotiating.

• Men… Cis men. Stop your fellow cis dudes from doing stupid shit. Don’t let your drunk friend at the swing club grope someone. Or if you see it happen, apologize to the person he just grabbed AND TAKE YOUR FRIEND HOME. Yes your super happy fun time is now over. You brought a dipshit to a club and now he’s acting all shitty, clean up his mess and when he sobers up have a conversation with him about how to interact with people. If he refuses? You no longer take him places to be around decent people.

EDITED TO ADD
Anyone can call out their friends. See my first point. Drunk cis women are a problem for you? Look at this sheet of tools I've given you to assist in handling the situation. If drunk cis women are groping you, then I am sorry. That is not something you should have to deal with. Everyone deserves bodily autonomy and the right to not be touched in ways they don't consent to.

That said, cis-guys, you have a habit of making something completely about you when a conversation is being had on another topic. You might benefit from some reflection on that.

• Make sure there are consequences for actions. Many people make excuses for peoples behaviors. Common ones include "Well XXXX wasn't abusive to me, so they aren't abusive." " Well, it was probably both of them." "I wasn't there, I don't know what really happened." "There are two sides to every story." This is pretty faulty thinking, as I discuss below, abusers often pick who to abuse based on a variety of things. If they were terrible people all the time, we would't be having these conversations. But if you can call out your friends, maybe they can change their behavior. Or maybe you find out that they are just a shitty person. You can make your own choices on how to interact with them from then on.

END EDIT

When it stops being a mistake.

This is the response to another writing about the difference between serial abusers and people who have actually shown remorse for their behavior. You can find that writing here.

A portion of my original comment;

Serial consent violators, are people who are manipulative. They OF COURSE will not act like this 100% of the time. If someone showed you what an awful person they were immediately, it would be easy to exclude them from things. There'd be no argument. The issue is that they manipulate SOME people, some times. Not everyone, and not all the time. Because like I said, if it were everyone all the time, it'd be easy. They pick, and choose when to undermine others, violate consent, think their wants outweigh the needs of the person or people they are playing with. Maybe they are diagnosable, maybe they aren't. But it doesn't matter how many safety classes or vetting lists these people get on. They are inherently problematic, and until people share their experiences (however much they feel like sharing, which can be nothing) there is no way to know which people exhibit these behaviors, unless you also experience them. Rahh's writing illustrates this beautifully. This is also why it's important to believe people when they say someone has treated them a certain way.

People who aren't serial consent violators, and show a want to change and modify their behaviors will attempt to do so. They will offer actual apologies. They will figure out what behaviors and patterns within themselves lead them to act in these ways and then make adjustments. Will they always be successful? No, but they will be trying to modify the behaviors. Some people use resources like therapy, or addiction services to help them become better people. Others use free resources or reflection. There is no one size fits all on this.

Because this seems to be a really confusing topic for some reason.

Most abuse and sexual assault comes from people the victimized person already knows. Spousal abuse, domestic violence, intimate partner violence. Most sexual assault is not from strangers jumping out of bushes. It is not from people who go to events. (It certainly does happen and almost all of my consent violation issues have been at events, with DMs, with dozens of people around). But the shit that keeps coming up? The “Big Names” ? Those are things that happen within relationships. These people have shown a pattern of abuse and manipulation that is outright dangerous and harmful.

We need two separate conversations for these two very separate issues.

Some people can smell the danger. I’ve avoided interaction with several big name people who have been outed because my spidey sense went off (coyote sense?). NOT EVERYONE HAS THAT ABILITY. People have passed through my sense. There’s a book called The Gift Of Fear and another called Why Does He Do That. If you find yourself in situations with harmful people more often than you would like, you may find those resources helpful. They’ve available in PDF and audiobook as well. Do not fault or blame people who have been in relationships with abusers. There are so many conflicting, ugly feelings that go into the process of working through and processing the abuse someone is currently facing, and then the dauting task of escaping that abusive situation or partner(s).

If you speak along the lines of “Well if it’s so bad, you should just leave.” You may be speaking from a place of privilege. I can go into the reasons why it is difficult for abused partners to escape, but I’d rather you do some work yourself and I’ve written enough for the moment. Let me know if you need me to google this for you.

Anyway, I wanted to put out into the ether a few ways that people can actually do something about consent culture, and abuse. So there you go. Thanks for reading.