Big Coyote Energy

I want to do so much, and have the energy for so little. Kinking with a concussion is serious bad news bears. In fact, existing at all is a struggle. I registered for RambleGrue at the same time I registered for DO Summer Camp, before the concussion. I didn't imagine myself playing much, if at all at Grue, which turned out to be true, but okay. I've come to accept I have limitations and the concussion business makes it hard to remember things and does things in my brain that make play difficult. My pain tolerance sucks because I'm so tired all the time, or my brain gets caught up on things it has no business thinking about ---the brain weasels. So I'd mostly taken play off the table. What I did want to exercise and experience were a few things; Experience GRUE. My right to exist in the world as a complex human being. Using my words to ask for the things I wanted. Try to come to a place of peace with how I've been feeling in the universe. I really, reall...

I've already started letting details slip. Not because I want to, but because my brain just isn't working properly. Literally. I now have medical documentation that states I'm essentially, on a bran function level "just kinda drunk" ALL THE TIME. And you know what, it feels like it. It's hard to concentrate. It's hard to verbalize. I have difficulty finding words or expressing myself or my feelings. It's been like that since the accident, not just camp. I actually felt some of the best I have felt since the accident, I just keep running into new problems. I essentially haven't been hungry in 5 days, which is alarming to me. You guys know how much I love food. I didn't get to play very much at camp. I also didn't feel very much like playing. The drive from PT to the grounds was absolutely exhausting. And the new trend of people arriving earlier and earlier every event is actually causing me a lot of issues. I like being one of the first ...

### A list of things that should be talked about. --- I found some words in my brain to vomit up and put on the internet. The following are my viewpoints, and my view points only. I'm concussed, so if this doesn't flow worth shit, file it under "things Ren does with a concussion." I will probably not be responding to comments in the long term. I may delete shitty off topic comments, or I might leave them and mock you, mercilessly. For transparency: I've done work for and gotten comped by DO for quite a few events. I host CBC for fusion, I boot black at Winter Fire, I have taught at previous events, I have run IONs. I have not paid to go to a DO event, short of this camp, in a hot minute. DO is my kink home and has been for a long time. I struggled for a while to figure out what to say, if anything, and how to say it, when I did figure out I wanted to talk. When you care about something, you should be honest. I care about the people who attend, my friends, ...

I just got done crying, because I got looped into an angry masturbation session, jacking it to things I shouldn't have been looking at [not a good bunch of erotica for me to read] anyway, and then needed to cum twice. I wanted to feel something other than the way I've been feeling for the past month. I should be asleep because I took the horse tranquilizer over an hour ago. It's hard. I've had "problems" for 4 weeks and I'm super fucking done with it. I can't imagine how people live like this. I'm a poor chronic pain candidate. Exceptionally poor. For those of you catching up: car accident, seatbelt failure, whiplash [pretty gnarly] and a much more severe concussion than first presented. I can generally deal with the body pain. As long as it's not whatever happened to me on a week ago. Where the pain was so bad both myself and my doctor feared I'd torn my rotator cuff entirely. I suddenly couldn't lift my right arm above my he...

The jaguar is an animal of great power and meaning to me, my guardian. That is why the jaguar is my Patronus. But when I close my eyes and look inside, there is a dog. The dog is the embodiment of who I am, what I am. It's always been that way. The dog is my loyalty, my joy, my fear, my submission. It ties into every aspect of my being, it's the way I make sense of my world. I've been wanting to write about submission and 'what it is' to me for a long time, but I've never been able to find the right words. With the dog analogy, it finally started to make sense. I have never seen myself as a slave. The biggest reason I don't identify as a slave is because at the end of the day, slaves are still human. I identify as property. What is property in the eye of the law? Animals... dogs. Dogs are property. The Owner/canine relationship really appeals to me in a way that is entirely separate from puppy play. My submission doesn't involve pretending to be a do...

Five people have told me "But I thought you'd like it!" In their own defense after they violated my consent, or had done something in play that we did not discuss. I'll speak about different things that have happened to me over the course of my involvement in the BDSM/Kink lifestyle. I've been active in the scene for about 4 years. I'm leaving the locations and names private so that I can cross post this to fettle. Feel free to PM me for the fet names of who these people were, except 2. I never got their fet name. The first time I ever encountered someone who did something non-consensually to me, I was at a public dungeon party at (now defunct but renamed) venue. I was negotiating a knife scene with someone I had never played with before, and part of our negotiation was them asking me the question "Are you ok with knives around your pussy?" I was, and informed them that I was fine with knives near my crotch. During this scene, this person took ...

It's been 19 days since I accepted that someone important to me no longer seemed to want me in their life. I'm still not sure what happened and I'm still not sure what to do about it, so for now that is on the back burner. This person has their own things to deal with right now and at the moment I don't think I'm comfortable being part of that.   I'm upset, hurt, and angry that I allowed someone I trusted so deeply to blindside me like this. But I've worked through a lot of my feelings, the remainder are being sorted slowly, with a lot of backsliding and a lot of hesitnacy. I learned a lot. About myself. About how to interact with people, about how to listen to my gut when it says "hey, this thing seems werid, maybe you shouldn't do it." There was a lot of that. I may be done bending over backwards to please other people and that kills me. I may only offer that compersion if I find it being returned.  I have to work to be able to give o...

[Erotica]: ----- "Get on your knees." His voice is cold and sterile. It's a demand but there is no anger behind it. I feel his hand thread through my collar and shove me down. I would have been willing to comply, but with my hands uncomfortably bound behind my back, getting on my knees without falling over is a harder task than normal. Gear ties. I hate gear ties. The rubber coating pinches at my skin. I try to rotate my wrists inside them to get them to sit more comfortably. It's a warm sunny day. I should be happy. But i'm not, i'm scared. My knees buckle and i drop my weight. He'll catch me. ..Or he won't. It doesn't really matter anymore. My thought stream is interrupted by the pressure on my neck changing direction. I know what he wants me to do, but i can't do it. I see the bucket sitting out on the grass. It's filled with cold water. It's orange and it's plastic and i hate it. I even have a healthy level of hatred for him...

So.. Winter Fire is coming up. I'm purposefully not planning much other than my classes and maybe one scene with someone who actually has stuff to do. But i'd like to play with others... maybe. I don't know. Mostly i'll be playing with people i've played with before. How do you pickup play? I feel like i'm trying to do calculus when all i've completed is trig. I must be missing something integral or else this wouldn't be so.. bad. I am terriblebad at pick up play. Horriblebad. I forget to communicate something important, i try to play when i don't feel a connection, i give people the benefit of the doubt. They can't read me, they don't know me, i can't explain it to them. Those are the reasons i've effectively stopped doing pickup play. I think part of my problem is that i'm a submissive. I don't top people, even really for demos (although i can). It isn't where my heart is. People either 1. don't see me play or ...

I won't make out with you because i don't want to *give the wrong impression*. I won't make out with you because i consider that a very close intimate act and prefer only to do it with those i have plans on getting more intimate with later. I feel that lately people have been misconstruing my actions, and my words, and it is something i've found rather unsettling. People making up relationships when there are none, or assuming friendships when (to me) i clearly would have not used that label. I try to be clear. Sometimes to the point of being offensive, with my words, my sentences, my syntax, to make sure my exact, actual point gets across. I don't play with peoples' emotions. I don't sit here, planning on harming people. I'm a physical masochist not an emotional sadist. I have triggers, fears and issues just like everyone else, i don't think i'm exempt from being told i'm acting like an ass, or genuinely apologizing for my behavior o...

Warning: This is insanely long. "Play Hard or Go Home" was my fusion motto. No offense to those who don't want to play hard or who did go home, this was just my personal thing. I wanted to push myself to my limit, and basically got there. Summing up DOFusion13 in numbers; 1 hole. 1 shovel. 1 bucket. 1 sprained rib. 1 bottle of alcohol. 1 box. 1 gift. 1 hit to the face. 2 punches to the chest. 2 cigar socials. 3 fireballs. 4 partners. 6 great meals with friends. 14 strips of bacon. 43 bruises. Countless bites. Countless screams. Countless orgasms. Countless tears. Countless friends. I stole this layout from @Harley_Quinzel. I loved the idea and it really helped me organize my thoughts into something coherent. Overview: DOFusion13 was amazing. I was surrounded, every moment by people who love me and care about me. I got to spend more time with my sadist than ever before. I got to present Daddy with the gift i've been planning for months (with t...

We've all had it happen; something horrible happens during your scene. It doesn't matter whether you were topping, bottoming, serving or being served. You've had a scene that just didn't come out the way you wanted it to. Expecting the Inevitable (a discussion class taught by Jaine Lane, aka EroticWetAtomic) will address pitfalls and injuries that occur during all kinds of scenes, and what to do about them. In this class we will cover: * Flexibility * Adaptability * Understanding realistic expectations * Personal responsibility * How to talk to someone who has injured you unintentionally * Negotiating a scene for next time * And more Not everything that "goes wrong" during scenes is horrible or traumatic. Not everything that stops a scene is something anyone else besides the participants would notice. If you haven't had a scene go wrong yet, consider yourself lucky, as this is a situation of "when" not "if...

A few weeks ago i went to visit Lynk. Our play tends to get very intense very quickly because we don't get to see each other that often. We do a lot of biting, rough body play and other more sadistic stuff.  We'd been discussing drowning, actually. I'm very curious about drowning, but something more interesting came up; blood play. Daddy and Lynk are planning something big for an outdoor event later in the year that i am going to be involved in. That involves a lot of blood play. I asked Lynk if we could try some blood play, on a small scale, just to see if it was something i was even into. I've seen other blood play scenes before and while i could appreciate it, i was missing something. Once i figured out what it was that was missing, Lynk was happy to help. The thing i was missing was context; It was(is) very important that the blood that is in the scene is at least partly mine. For me the act of suffering and bleeding at the hands of another is arousing as fuck a...

I know i've addressed this before, but this is the new topic of interest flying around the fetlife, so i figured i would address it. I know i have other things i need to write about (hello Charm City Fetish Fair) but i'll get to those next week. Lets talk about safe words. We'll start with a basic definition. A "safe word" is a word or phrase than when said in the context of a BDSM scene, will stop the scene. This can be something general like "red" or it can be something that would not generally come up in the context of a scene ie "fruit basket" "platypus" or "Fluggaenkoecchicebolsen." Words like "no" "stop" and "oh fuck" are poor choices for safe words, as they are generally uttered during scenes anyway. In theory they sound like a great idea. Of course safe words have their place in the context of BDSM. The problem with them is twofold. 1. Safe wording can be seen as a "...

This article was written by Silk, a friend of mine. Daddy and i had just been discussing some of these exact issues yesterday on our way to work. Silk has given me permission to post the article he wrote (thank you). Please keep in mind when attending parties, events, etc, what the rules are for dealing with rape, sexual assault and other consent violations at the venue are. If you aren't sure then ask. You have a right to know how your safety is being looked at by the people hosting parties.  Why Would Somebody Not Report Sexual Assault/Rape In The Scene? There are many, many reasons why people may not report such terrible physical and emotional violations of their person. Adding that it happened with somebody from or in the scene makes it even more difficult. In the vanilla world alone 54% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police. (RAINN, 2012) It is estimated 97% of perpetrators won't spend a day in jail. (RAINN, 2012) So why not report both i...

The problem with drama isn't that it exists. Drama is drama, it sucks, it's annoying, it happens. This we know. Think about the scene as a conveyer belt. Something happens at some point on the belt, people freak out, yell, scream, divide, do whatever it is that they do, and then they move on. As new people get into the scene (or hop onto the conveyer belt) they begin to hear bits and pieces of the old stories and the old drama, but they can't access the old part of the conveyer belt. They can't see the actual happenings for themselves. But they begin to form opinions based on hearsay or partial facts, or worse, get shrouded under the influence wings of the people who have "caused problems" before and are changing the stories to make themselves no longer the villain. I have read no less than 3 writings today alone on issues that are (to the best of my knowledge, and my knowledge is pretty fucking extensive) absolute idiocy at worst and grossly misinformed a...