I too can do this thing that other people do all the time. ...Maybe.

So.. Winter Fire is coming up. I'm purposefully not planning much other than my classes and maybe one scene with someone who actually has stuff to do. But i'd like to play with others... maybe. I don't know. Mostly i'll be playing with people i've played with before.

How do you pickup play? I feel like i'm trying to do calculus when all i've completed is trig. I must be missing something integral or else this wouldn't be so.. bad.

I am terriblebad at pick up play. Horriblebad. I forget to communicate something important, i try to play when i don't feel a connection, i give people the benefit of the doubt. They can't read me, they don't know me, i can't explain it to them. Those are the reasons i've effectively stopped doing pickup play.

I think part of my problem is that i'm a submissive. I don't top people, even really for demos (although i can). It isn't where my heart is. People either 1. don't see me play or 2. assume i don't want play.

I'd like to play with new people, but i don't really know how to form the trust level i need to play. I can't just 'play with someone new.' I already know i won't enjoy the first scene or three (potentially, it's happened, albeit, rarely where there is instachemistry). I know not to go into subspace, although sometimes if my triggers are really fresh or raw it's easy to almost get there. I have no problem using my safe words. But it's like the other person just doesn't listen. I end up getting hurt, either physically or emotionally, and then it just makes me cagey to do it *yet again.*

I don't really do superficial play. I like my scenes to be involved, and emotional and pretty troubling. I don't do ..'nice' play. I've enjoyed rope scenes but i don't really do flogging or rough body play by itself. I'm a terrible suspension bottom and i'd really prefer not to be suspended again.  I like to bite and drool and headbutt my partners. I like to grab and claw. I like to get fucked. I like to be humiliated, degraded. I want you to get in my head and fuck around. I want to be terrified or curious or hot, or all three at once. If i'm not physically close i'm not interested. I crave an energy exchange (although not necessarily a power exchange). I like being physically overpowered. +10 hot points if you're; bigger than i am, stronger than i am, able to make me melt with your gaze or are into rape scenes and other consensual non-consent, or knife play.

I want to give myself to my partner in my scenes.  I want to know i'll get the kind of aftercare and time i'll need with them after doing these kinds of things. I want to know that the play we do makes their dicks* hard and their minds sharp.

I'm not really sure where i'm going with this. Maybe its a reminder for me to read before i try to play with someone new. Or maybe im trying to get the word out there that yes, i have a collar but i also want to play with people (D/s dynamics included). Maybe someone who is into similar kinds of play will see it and say something. Maybe someone who knows someone will see it. I'm trying to get better about asking people i'm curious about or interested in to play.

If you read this, thanks. And if you've got any advice for me i am all ears.

*i'm straight, i'm sorry. i'm really only interested in this kind of play with guys.