Big Coyote Energy

Five people have told me "But I thought you'd like it!" In their own defense after they violated my consent, or had done something in play that we did not discuss. I'll speak about different things that have happened to me over the course of my involvement in the BDSM/Kink lifestyle. I've been active in the scene for about 4 years. I'm leaving the locations and names private so that I can cross post this to fettle. Feel free to PM me for the fet names of who these people were, except 2. I never got their fet name. The first time I ever encountered someone who did something non-consensually to me, I was at a public dungeon party at (now defunct but renamed) venue. I was negotiating a knife scene with someone I had never played with before, and part of our negotiation was them asking me the question "Are you ok with knives around your pussy?" I was, and informed them that I was fine with knives near my crotch. During this scene, this person took ...

This blog explains consent really, really well. You should read it. If you’re still struggling, just imagine instead of initiating sex, you’re making them a cup of tea.  You say “hey, would you like a cup of tea?” and they go “omg fuck yes, I would fucking LOVE a cup of tea! Thank you! * ” then you know they want a cup of tea.

But stop touching people without their consent. At the last 2 events I've been two, I've had THREE people touch me, two of them being complete strangers. Don't put your hand on someone's hip when you don't know them. Hell, don't put your hands on someone elses body or possessions if you don't know them. Don't stick your head and face on me without my permission when I'm doing sushi table stuff. You want to keep your sushi table, right? I want to keep being a sushi table, but I get way skeeved out when someones face comes at me from nowhere and goes right towards my crotch. Not cool. You know what's even shitter? When I call someone on doing that and then they just walk away without saying anything. If someone else does this again, venue management WILL be talking to you and if I'm up for it, I will also be saying something to you because you need to be called on your shitty behavior. I do not care if you're new. Do not pass go. Do not col...

Once upon the time, on the internet, I had a profile up on one of the many BDSM "looking for" sites. And the below is what someone thought would be even remotely appropriate to send to me. Let's see if we can't play creeper bingo. I actually think this dude read my profile, at least enough to see that I have a vagina, like things put in it, and am interested in a D/s relationship. Apparently to him anyone looking for D/s means M/s, because of the amount of times he refers to slaves. Fun fact bro, I'm not a slave. I'm not planning on being a slave, and sending emails like this to people is grounds to get horrible things done to your nads. My brain liquified and started seeping out my noise while I was reading this. I've left the message intact in it's appearance, formatting included. I just removed his initial at the end. PRO TIP: TREAT PEOPLE LIKE PEOPLE, AND NOT FETISH DELIVERY SYSTEMS. AND YOUR SHIT MIGHT TURN OUT BETTER. YOUR MILEAGE MAY V...

I was asked to put this in a writing: There was more of this that I wanted to address, but people have already gotten there. The one thing that is missing is this: These people are not healthy. Even if it is consensual. Consent doesn't make it OK to do harm. This is another way to say "bottoms have no agency." Or "bottoms are damaged people." STOP IT. JUST STOP. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Consent is exactly what makes it okay to do harm. Stop telling people that consent isn't enough. Because if consent is not enough than we are not adults and have no right to partake in any of this. I'm upset and frustrated at this train of thought being continued. It's been MONTHS of this; Bottoms can't consent. Bottoms can't this, or can't that. Bottoms are damaged people. Etc, etc, etc. Consent is what we do. Consent is what we deal with. If you aren't ok with someone else giving consent for an act, then you know what you do?...

I'm generally pretty good about dictating or negotiation my regular interactions with others. Sometimes I'm huggy, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I prefer a handshake, sometimes I want a kiss. I communicate these needs if you're someone I routinely interact with related to them. Close friends I'm generally ok with being hugged by. I will let you know if this is not the case (like if I've got a busted rib or other injury). Or if I just don't want to be glomped when arriving at an event. I don't like to be touched intimately by people I don't know well. It's not you, it's just how I am.  I'm generally very ok with these interactions but there is one thing I need to speak up about because I say something about it over and over again. Spanking me is a hard limit. I don't like spanking. I can't process spanking. For the love of whatever god is your homeboy, DO NOT SPANK ME OUTSIDE OF A SCENE.  Don't spank me when I'm o...

Grab a seat kids, this is gonna be fun. There seems to be something extremely difficult about whether or not you can post a picture on your fetlife account or not. Here are a few simple tips to help you figure out if an image is OK to post! Question 1: "Did you take this photograph?"  If the answer is YES, you CAN post it! The cool thing about copyright is that as soon as you snap a picture (in any format) you own the copyright to that image! How fucking cool! Generally you want to get permission from the people (assuming there are any people ) in the photograph before posting it. You can use something called a model release if it's some kind of photoshoot, but I'll let you google that term yourself. You're smart, I believe in you. Question 2: "Are you in this picture?" If the answer is YES, then you CAN post it! How fucking cool! Generally, during a photoshoot (assuming we're talking about pictures of people here) the model may receive copies ...

My title is a lie. This isn't Adventures with Vaginas. It's an adventure with one vagina. My vagina, Judas. I hate masturbating. Like a lot of people I suppose. The overall preference seems to be "well, yeah, partnered sex is better, but masturbation is ok." Or "masturbation is fun!" Or "but mutual masturbation is really different and I really enjoy it." Something about handsex. Something about not fucking with penises. Something something something. I hate masturbating. I didn't always hate masturbating. Before I had partnered sex, masturbating was pretty ok. I remember laying around, stuffing whatever I could find that would (safely) fit in my cunt, rubbing against a pillow and getting off that way. One day I had 23 orgasms in a row. I couldn't feel my parts. That was pretty fun. Usually I'd settle for fewer orgasms (and more time spent doing other things, like sleeping). That 23 thing was a one time deal. For a long, long tim...

I won't make out with you because i don't want to *give the wrong impression*. I won't make out with you because i consider that a very close intimate act and prefer only to do it with those i have plans on getting more intimate with later. I feel that lately people have been misconstruing my actions, and my words, and it is something i've found rather unsettling. People making up relationships when there are none, or assuming friendships when (to me) i clearly would have not used that label. I try to be clear. Sometimes to the point of being offensive, with my words, my sentences, my syntax, to make sure my exact, actual point gets across. I don't play with peoples' emotions. I don't sit here, planning on harming people. I'm a physical masochist not an emotional sadist. I have triggers, fears and issues just like everyone else, i don't think i'm exempt from being told i'm acting like an ass, or genuinely apologizing for my behavior o...

It really is feast or famine for me with this isn't it. Sorry everyone, stepped out of the country for a week and that basically consumed most of my July and August. I'm back now, getting my life in order and readjusting to 'murica. Drinking the tap water, it is awesome. In September, i'm doing a lot of stuff. I'm teaching the following classes at the following events, so feel free to come see me :3 FetFest 2013  - Do It Like an Animal: Pet Play (9/1) Touch of Flavor  2013 - BDSM 101 (9/7-9/8) BDSM Essentials Discussion Group  - Expecting the Inevitable: What to do when a Scene Goes Wrong (9/14) I've had a ton of play this week that i'm debating what to write about... I'll get there when i get there. I do need to do some reflective writing. Hope all you lovely people out there in internet land are doing well.

I get that male sexuality is something to be embraced. Guys start playing with themselves from the time they figure out they have something "down there." Us vagina-havers aren't always so familiar with our bodies. This is certainly something that should change if you are comfortable with the idea of masturbation.  Everyone loves orgasms, bla bla bla. That said. I don't really masturbate. I don't like it. It's like a chore for me. Masturbation is the last option before insanity for me. There is a reason for this and it has taken me years to figure out. Sex is an experience for me. Sex is something i do with someone else (or a few someone elses). Masturbation is something i do, to myself. There is no one else. Either i make up the fantasy or nothing happens. Either i dominate myself, or nothing happens. Honestly, nothing is better in most cases. I am incapable of dominating myself. I'm a submissive, dammit. There is very little difference to me between...

This article was written by Silk, a friend of mine. Daddy and i had just been discussing some of these exact issues yesterday on our way to work. Silk has given me permission to post the article he wrote (thank you). Please keep in mind when attending parties, events, etc, what the rules are for dealing with rape, sexual assault and other consent violations at the venue are. If you aren't sure then ask. You have a right to know how your safety is being looked at by the people hosting parties.  Why Would Somebody Not Report Sexual Assault/Rape In The Scene? There are many, many reasons why people may not report such terrible physical and emotional violations of their person. Adding that it happened with somebody from or in the scene makes it even more difficult. In the vanilla world alone 54% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police. (RAINN, 2012) It is estimated 97% of perpetrators won't spend a day in jail. (RAINN, 2012) So why not report both i...

As a cis-female who has played the online dating game for a while, i feel like i can say with certainty that there are some serious pitfalls that some people fall into when trying to find a partner(s). Straight guys, this is for you. If you're looking for a partner online via; OKCupid, AdultFriendFinder, Fetlife, Match.com or any other community site or dating site, you may at least want to pretend you've read this. Or, read it for real and glean information and get results. Like real results that find you awesome people. Step 1. Read profiles. Seriously. Read profiles. Step 2. Read profiles . I needed to say it again. Step 3. Read the profile again. Maybe even a 5th time. Step 4. Messaging Identify people that stand out to you by reading profiles. Tailor individually made messages of appropriate length. I would say 2-10 sentences is enough. Don't spend eons on a message and then get heartbroken when you don't hear back from "her." Let me in on a little se...

As someone in a poly relationship, i hear all the time about how important communication and honesty is. It's beaten into our heads over and over again. "Problem? Talk about it." Sure, it makes sense, it's logical, it's what people should do. So then, why do people have such a hard time being honest? I'm going to say this very plainly. The truth is always better than a lie. As far as i'm concerned anyway. Just be honest, especially with your friends. This isn't always about romantic relationships, poly or otherwise. Friendships, play partnerships, they're all types of relationships. Don't want to hang out? Awesome. Say so. Don't make excuses. I get that people are busy, or have things to do, or are feeling not too social that day. Don't want to fuck? Awesome. Say so. Don't leave me wondering if i'm some sort of sexual predator because you say that you want to get intimate and because I trust you, I believe y...

If Dan Savage has taught me anything, it's that people cheat and really it is something that we should all kind of get over. I understand, if you make a monogamous commitment you should keep it, but people are people and people make mistakes. People cheat for all kinds of reasons. Your spouse and you are in a sexless marriage and you still have a sex drive (which is not something you should be ashamed about). Your spouse has some sort of condition that makes sex painful, embarrassing or downright unfeasible. You have kids and you don't want to leave your significant other because other than the lack of sex, the marriage works. You no longer have intimacy in your relationship and you crave it, like any sane human being. I get it. I completely understand. I don't really think people that stray or cheat are terrible human beings. BUT.... I refuse to closet myself. Being your "behind closed doors" kind of girl is in absolutely no way appealing...

I'll preface this by saying i have NOT read any of the books in the 50 Shades of Grey series . One more time. I have NOT read these books and while i did make what was an honest metal attempt to fit it into my schedule it is not going to happen. I am not an emotional masochist. 50SOG does is not a book about BDSM, sorry to break it to you. It is Twilight fan-fiction. I have read most of the books in the Twilight series, because there just isn't a lot of quality werewolf shit around these days. They were also not something i would consider "good" writing. Sorry Twilight fans. 50SOG is a book that describes a horribly dysfunctional "BDSM type" relationship. It goes on to talk about how people who are into these kinds of things must have been damaged at some point or another because "normal" people aren't into this sort of shit. The girl feels like she can "fix" the boy of his horrible ways. THIS IS NOT HOW RELATOINSHIPS WORK. I...

 A friend of mine sent me this article, and like usual i get to sit here and get pissed off about it. At least the media is catching on. Really. I'm female, not inferior. More updates on this later, i've got to get to work. Subject for Debate: Are Women People? I’ve always assumed that women are fully autonomous human citizens—who vote, even!—but now I’m not so certain By Jessica Winter | @winterjessica | March 7, 2012 | Read more: http://ideas.time.com/2012/03/07/subject-for-debate-are-women-people/#ixzz1qKadUKgz All my adult life, I’ve been pretty sure I’m a sentient, even semi-competent human being. I have a job and an apartment; I know how to read and vote; I make regular, mostly autonomous decisions about what to eat for lunch and which cat videos I will watch whilst eating my lunch. But in the past couple of months, certain powerful figures in media and politics have cracked open that certitude. You see, like most women, I was born with the chromosome abnorma...

Just keep digging, just keep digging. There are 18,000 married gay and lesbian couples in California and at least 131,000 nationwide according to the 2010 census, conducted before New York state legalized same-sex marriage in July. Rick Santorum says he'll try to unmarry all of them if he's elected president. Once the U.S. Constitution is amended to prohibit same-gender marriages, "their marriage would be invalid," the former Pennsylvania senator said Dec. 30 in an NBC News interview. "We can't have 50 different marriage laws in this country," he said. "You have to have one marriage law." The comments didn't attract nearly as much attention as Santorum's recent invocation of his Catholic faith to denounce government support for birth control, prenatal testing and resource conservation - which, in the last case, he attributed to President Obama's "phony theology." But his declared intention to nullify past as wel...

And it just keeps on coming. March is officially WTF Rick? Month. It's been declared, try to change it, i dare you! Also, regular updates intermittently as well because no one can stand that much Santorum.

Click on the picture for the associated article.  I feel exactly the same way GOP. Stay out of my vagina.