I won't make out with you because i don't want to *give the wrong impression*. I won't make out with you because i consider that a very close intimate act and prefer only to do it with those i have plans on getting more intimate with later.
I feel that lately people have been misconstruing my actions, and my words, and it is something i've found rather unsettling. People making up relationships when there are none, or assuming friendships when (to me) i clearly would have not used that label.
I try to be clear. Sometimes to the point of being offensive, with my words, my sentences, my syntax, to make sure my exact, actual point gets across.
I don't play with peoples' emotions. I don't sit here, planning on harming people. I'm a physical masochist not an emotional sadist.
I have triggers, fears and issues just like everyone else, i don't think i'm exempt from being told i'm acting like an ass, or genuinely apologizing for my behavior or words when they offend someone. Having my words and actions brought to my attention allows me to fix the problem and ensure it does not happen again.
I don't talk about my triggers with a lot of people. And i say triggers, plural, but it really should be trigger, because there is only one i really can't deal with very well. People who have exhibited the behavior are told quickly, that it is not a thing i can personally deal with long term. I will do what i can, call the necessary help and then go on my way. This trigger isn't the kind of thing someone would carelessly step on, it isn't something that is so difficult for me to deal with or live with that the mere mention of the issue will send me into a sneaky hate spiral. I'm not sure if i should mention it or not, but when you do this thing you separate yourself from the rest of the general population. You will get the side-eye, you will get the whispered comments, you will make people feel uneasy, on a subconscious level, because of your actions.
For the most part i've done a lot to get past my issues. But when actions happen over and over again, i will remove myself from the situation. THAT is my defense mechanism. THAT is how i deal. If you are uncomfortable with how i deal with my issues (by withdraw) than i am really not sure what to tell you. I'm sorry my actions have offended you, but i can't offer an apology or an action greater than that, because i am a flawed human and after that i really don't know what else to do.
This writing is targeted at a general "you", which i hope everyone would understand. A conversation with someone i told more than once, that i didn't want to have, spurred this. It wasn't just that one conversation, this is a series of events i've been noticing for a while now.
I know i do education, and photography, and seem pretty confident and friendly in person, especially in public. Please just know this is me being friendly and open and welcoming. Please don't read into me being your best friend, your confidant or anything else if we haven't actually discussed it. I have a lot of acquaintances through fetlife, i use it as a social networking site. I tend to be pretty quiet about my issues and personal life except to a few very close people.
I'm really not sure what else to say here, other than, please ask me if you're unsure of our relationship. I am only too happy to explain myself and clarify anything that needs to be clarified.
If i hang out with you outside of events, please disregard most of this, it isn't about you. If you've got my phone number or my address, or come over to hang out with Daddy and the cats, then this doesn't apply to you. But if you've helped me one time, with one thing, we are not BFFs. If you've done me a favor or helped me out (most likely at a time when i really needed assistance) for that i am extremely grateful and i owe you the same. I'm not really looking to come off as an ass, or as ungrateful for the wonderful people i do know, just please think before you place pressures on me as a person, spare a second to think if i should be acting or behaving in a certain way towards you. Please come talk to me about it, rather than making assumptions.
I'm not sure what my goal was with this writing, i really feel like i've come off as a self-obsessed ass, which was not my goal. But i feel, as a female, as a member of this scene, that i need to voice my feelings when things have happened, multiple times regarding the same issue. I'm not a mind reader and i don't expect anyone on my feed to be either.
If i've hurt you, or pushed you away because of my own actions, please talk to me. Send me a message, an email, a call. We can discuss whatever has happened and try to get past it. If you don't want to, i also understand.
I guess i should also say, i'm not looking to be validated, or for someone to tell me how sorry they are that i've got some trigger issues, or anything related to that (please, if anything, spare me the "i'm sorry this happened to you" thing. It happened a long time ago, and most of it i'm really over, i really prefer to not rehash it. Maybe one day i'll talk about it), but not now, not today.
Thank you.
I feel that lately people have been misconstruing my actions, and my words, and it is something i've found rather unsettling. People making up relationships when there are none, or assuming friendships when (to me) i clearly would have not used that label.
I try to be clear. Sometimes to the point of being offensive, with my words, my sentences, my syntax, to make sure my exact, actual point gets across.
I don't play with peoples' emotions. I don't sit here, planning on harming people. I'm a physical masochist not an emotional sadist.
I have triggers, fears and issues just like everyone else, i don't think i'm exempt from being told i'm acting like an ass, or genuinely apologizing for my behavior or words when they offend someone. Having my words and actions brought to my attention allows me to fix the problem and ensure it does not happen again.
I don't talk about my triggers with a lot of people. And i say triggers, plural, but it really should be trigger, because there is only one i really can't deal with very well. People who have exhibited the behavior are told quickly, that it is not a thing i can personally deal with long term. I will do what i can, call the necessary help and then go on my way. This trigger isn't the kind of thing someone would carelessly step on, it isn't something that is so difficult for me to deal with or live with that the mere mention of the issue will send me into a sneaky hate spiral. I'm not sure if i should mention it or not, but when you do this thing you separate yourself from the rest of the general population. You will get the side-eye, you will get the whispered comments, you will make people feel uneasy, on a subconscious level, because of your actions.
For the most part i've done a lot to get past my issues. But when actions happen over and over again, i will remove myself from the situation. THAT is my defense mechanism. THAT is how i deal. If you are uncomfortable with how i deal with my issues (by withdraw) than i am really not sure what to tell you. I'm sorry my actions have offended you, but i can't offer an apology or an action greater than that, because i am a flawed human and after that i really don't know what else to do.
This writing is targeted at a general "you", which i hope everyone would understand. A conversation with someone i told more than once, that i didn't want to have, spurred this. It wasn't just that one conversation, this is a series of events i've been noticing for a while now.
I know i do education, and photography, and seem pretty confident and friendly in person, especially in public. Please just know this is me being friendly and open and welcoming. Please don't read into me being your best friend, your confidant or anything else if we haven't actually discussed it. I have a lot of acquaintances through fetlife, i use it as a social networking site. I tend to be pretty quiet about my issues and personal life except to a few very close people.
I'm really not sure what else to say here, other than, please ask me if you're unsure of our relationship. I am only too happy to explain myself and clarify anything that needs to be clarified.
If i hang out with you outside of events, please disregard most of this, it isn't about you. If you've got my phone number or my address, or come over to hang out with Daddy and the cats, then this doesn't apply to you. But if you've helped me one time, with one thing, we are not BFFs. If you've done me a favor or helped me out (most likely at a time when i really needed assistance) for that i am extremely grateful and i owe you the same. I'm not really looking to come off as an ass, or as ungrateful for the wonderful people i do know, just please think before you place pressures on me as a person, spare a second to think if i should be acting or behaving in a certain way towards you. Please come talk to me about it, rather than making assumptions.
I'm not sure what my goal was with this writing, i really feel like i've come off as a self-obsessed ass, which was not my goal. But i feel, as a female, as a member of this scene, that i need to voice my feelings when things have happened, multiple times regarding the same issue. I'm not a mind reader and i don't expect anyone on my feed to be either.
If i've hurt you, or pushed you away because of my own actions, please talk to me. Send me a message, an email, a call. We can discuss whatever has happened and try to get past it. If you don't want to, i also understand.
I guess i should also say, i'm not looking to be validated, or for someone to tell me how sorry they are that i've got some trigger issues, or anything related to that (please, if anything, spare me the "i'm sorry this happened to you" thing. It happened a long time ago, and most of it i'm really over, i really prefer to not rehash it. Maybe one day i'll talk about it), but not now, not today.
Thank you.
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