Big Coyote Energy

T he following text was written by @SilverTonguedOne. He sent this to me, as we talked and decompressed after a weekend of intensity shared with new friends. When I met you a year ago, you were a wounded and distrustful Coyote. Mangy because no one had groomed you in ages. Your ribs showed because your meals came as often as you could steal or scavenge something off the side of the road. Don't get me wrong, you were very friendly and loved silly games like tug of war with my boots. But you were generally sad and suspicious. You had a collar on, but it was old and faded and clearly the owner that put it on you wasn't around enough to fix it. But the one thing that was clear on the collar was the name... A year later, your hair is cleaner, longer, healthier. Your ribs don't show and you don't wolf your food anymore because you're no longer afraid each meal may be the last in a while. Your teeth are clean and healthy. You've had your shots and take your medicin...

[Originally published on 1/27/18] I.. Try to be fairly transparent in how I operate and how I interact with others. Whenever someone tries to put me on a pedestal, I usually just calmly tell them that I'm just an asshole with a cigar. I have a wide knowledge base, and a lot of experiences. I take those things and talk to other people about them, like cigar play, bootblacking or pet play. Sometimes I stop talking about certain things. Like with polyamory. I used to teach classes on poly. Since I no longer identify as poly, I feel like it's incredibly wrong of me to teach on that subject. Yes I've got a lot of experience (7+ years worth) and lots of suggestions and tips, but I don't have the emotional energy to talk about it at length with strangers. I have no passion for it, no drive. It's a subject best left to those practicing or identifying as poly. I've pulled my poly classes from my teaching list. After my long-term-partner and I broke up, I was ac...

[Coyote] She knows it is time to leave. He took off the collar, and with it, everything they ever were melts into memory. She will go, for a time, but always return. The range of her territory, grows slowly outward, in a spiral. She returns to him, his love, his home, his arms. Less and less often. One little thing at a time. He can't be there to feed her today. But maybe tomorrow. She'll stay around hungry for a couple of days, but after that she'll go off on her own. Hunting, scavenging, scrounging. Doing what she's always done. Then the new of 'it will be weeks' until she sees him. She knows. She's always known. This is just not a thing she can have. She is not His, not anymore. Not now. She will check his home often at first, and less often as time goes on. Checking for signs of a fresh scent or activity. Food or treats left out, so she knows he's thinking of her, even if he can't be there. But she knows these things too, will fade and...

I've been having a lot of issues with my anxiety lately, and some depression. The last one isn't common for me. Usually it's just anxiety. But depression has moved in, and it gets to drain the color out of my world. It saps me of my motion. Mires me in a bog of nothingness and I don't know where or how to find the energy to change it. The wounds are fresh and they bleed. I hate it. Even typing this causes me to snarl. It's true. I hate it, but I hate admitting it even more. I hate the way my anxiety locks me up. It isn't just flight or flight... There is a third option, freeze, which is what my anxiety does to me. That's an old battle. The scars are few now, but those that remain are long, and deep. New feelings come from inadequacy. The weasels start to run and shift through my brain like a water in a stream. They sneak into nooks and crannies and eat away the good, and there they stay. Eating. Moving. Writhing. Deeper and deeper. Working towards the...

*Note this writing was originally written over a year ago* Spoiler alert: I don't think I know how to date. Outside the scene, or inside of it. Especially inside of it. I've had a large number of negative experiences with poly, or non-monogamy in general. Veto power is pretty much a no-go for me at this point. I don't want to get involved with anyone with at least one additional serious relationship because I don't feel like there is any room for me within the relationship. Poly is not all fun and games. I'm not a unicorn. I don't want to date your; wife, girlfriend, partner or submissive. I don't want to be a triad or a V. I don't want to compete for attention or love or time. I am  super  over that right now. The local area here seems to be super into casual play or party-only play, but nothing more serious. I can't do casual kink. I've tried. It's where I've had my consent violated, multiple times. It's left me feeling repla...