[Originally published on 1/27/18]
I.. Try to be fairly transparent in how I operate and how I interact with others. Whenever someone tries to put me on a pedestal, I usually just calmly tell them that I'm just an asshole with a cigar. I have a wide knowledge base, and a lot of experiences.
I take those things and talk to other people about them, like cigar play, bootblacking or pet play.
Sometimes I stop talking about certain things. Like with polyamory.
I used to teach classes on poly. Since I no longer identify as poly, I feel like it's incredibly wrong of me to teach on that subject. Yes I've got a lot of experience (7+ years worth) and lots of suggestions and tips, but I don't have the emotional energy to talk about it at length with strangers. I have no passion for it, no drive. It's a subject best left to those practicing or identifying as poly. I've pulled my poly classes from my teaching list.
After my long-term-partner and I broke up, I was actually single for the first time in my adult life and I spent time reflecting on what I wanted in my next relationship. I came to the realization that poly, and non-monogamy with it, were not things I wanted to try for, and were not things I valued.
I had been once (well, a lot more than once) bitten on the subject of poly and non-monogamy as a whole, and I decided I didn't want to work through my issues or my baggage. So what did I do with it? I took it all into the closet and I shut the fucking door. I didn't lock it. I didn't put a sign on it.. I just shut the door. These things were not going to be issues, so why bother? I couldn't get RID of them, but I could close them away in a quiet place no one ever used.
I started seeing Silver, and we both really wanted the same kind of things; mostly monogamy, with the occasional fun with others.
Then.. The stuff happened where we realized the relationship we both want together isn't a realistic life choice at the moment... So we're both sort of free to see other people. Which is kind of a scenario I don't want to deal with, but it's a cost of admission thing and I'm alright with it.
And because I'm an idiot, I don't even warn him. I just let him in my house (brain), because I like him.
And he found the door to the closet (in my brain), because he was in my house.
And he opened it. Because I gave him permission to look around, and forgot about this shit.
And then all baggage fell on him. And it actually keeps falling on him? Like I'll go through and freak out and grab all the packages and shove them back into the closet, but one will usually fall back out before I can shut the door. Sometimes it's a little one and the fallout is a few non-breakable things, other times it's the fine china and now there is a mess, and I get cut picking up the pieces and he helps me try to clean it even though I'm hyper aware that this is Not His Mess and He Should Not Be In The Position of Having To Fix This. So the anxiety begats more anxiety and sometimes it spirals.
I hate even having to talk about this. But in an effort this year to talk more about uncomfortable things, I've been mulling over this writing for weeks trying to put it together. If you follow me on twitter (and you should if you want to hear more about my day-to-day and my personal feelings), I've been talking about this for a little bit.
Silver was never supposed to get within twenty feet of this closet. I shoved it all unceremoniously into that place because I felt like I was not going to have to deal with this for a long time. Whenever I found the energy and got around to it, I could go through it piece by piece and organize and catalog and compartmentalize and it would be fine.
Because Silver is awesome, he understands that these things are going to crop up. I do as good of a job as I can to clean them, and now at least warn him if I see the door pop open, and stuff start to fall out. Sometimes I can even warn him before shit hits him and he can get out of the way, and we can just have a conversation about it. There is some progress.
This clunky analogy worked a lot better in my head than it seems to be doing on paper, sorry guys.
I guess.. What I'm trying to say, is that there are ugly sides of non-monogamy that people tend not to talk about, and they can cause issues long after relationships end.
I don't think I really want to get into the specifics of what happened to cause those things? But the nut shell version is peoples words said one thing, and their actions consistently showed another. Big things, small things, dealing with metamours, kitchen table poly being the Standard Model my partner(s) wanted to operate with, and me being reprimanded when I voiced an issue with that. I was chided for voicing a lot of things actually. Being told I was nagging or jealous when attempting to express displeasure or worry at a situation (and my worries and anxiety were usually the things that were actually going on). It was just not a good situation.
I had great times, this wasn't some long slog of awfulness. It's just that eventually, the bad outweighed the good, and because I can only control myself and not other people, I decided this relationship model is not currently for me. Could I change my mind? Sure. I don't know what the future holds.
But mostly, I wanted to write some stuff about partners stumbling into shit they weren't warned about, because the person whose shit it was, didn't even know they had to warn them.
I.. Try to be fairly transparent in how I operate and how I interact with others. Whenever someone tries to put me on a pedestal, I usually just calmly tell them that I'm just an asshole with a cigar. I have a wide knowledge base, and a lot of experiences.
I take those things and talk to other people about them, like cigar play, bootblacking or pet play.
Sometimes I stop talking about certain things. Like with polyamory.
I used to teach classes on poly. Since I no longer identify as poly, I feel like it's incredibly wrong of me to teach on that subject. Yes I've got a lot of experience (7+ years worth) and lots of suggestions and tips, but I don't have the emotional energy to talk about it at length with strangers. I have no passion for it, no drive. It's a subject best left to those practicing or identifying as poly. I've pulled my poly classes from my teaching list.
After my long-term-partner and I broke up, I was actually single for the first time in my adult life and I spent time reflecting on what I wanted in my next relationship. I came to the realization that poly, and non-monogamy with it, were not things I wanted to try for, and were not things I valued.
I had been once (well, a lot more than once) bitten on the subject of poly and non-monogamy as a whole, and I decided I didn't want to work through my issues or my baggage. So what did I do with it? I took it all into the closet and I shut the fucking door. I didn't lock it. I didn't put a sign on it.. I just shut the door. These things were not going to be issues, so why bother? I couldn't get RID of them, but I could close them away in a quiet place no one ever used.
I started seeing Silver, and we both really wanted the same kind of things; mostly monogamy, with the occasional fun with others.
Then.. The stuff happened where we realized the relationship we both want together isn't a realistic life choice at the moment... So we're both sort of free to see other people. Which is kind of a scenario I don't want to deal with, but it's a cost of admission thing and I'm alright with it.
And because I'm an idiot, I don't even warn him. I just let him in my house (brain), because I like him.
And he found the door to the closet (in my brain), because he was in my house.
And he opened it. Because I gave him permission to look around, and forgot about this shit.
And then all baggage fell on him. And it actually keeps falling on him? Like I'll go through and freak out and grab all the packages and shove them back into the closet, but one will usually fall back out before I can shut the door. Sometimes it's a little one and the fallout is a few non-breakable things, other times it's the fine china and now there is a mess, and I get cut picking up the pieces and he helps me try to clean it even though I'm hyper aware that this is Not His Mess and He Should Not Be In The Position of Having To Fix This. So the anxiety begats more anxiety and sometimes it spirals.
I hate even having to talk about this. But in an effort this year to talk more about uncomfortable things, I've been mulling over this writing for weeks trying to put it together. If you follow me on twitter (and you should if you want to hear more about my day-to-day and my personal feelings), I've been talking about this for a little bit.
Silver was never supposed to get within twenty feet of this closet. I shoved it all unceremoniously into that place because I felt like I was not going to have to deal with this for a long time. Whenever I found the energy and got around to it, I could go through it piece by piece and organize and catalog and compartmentalize and it would be fine.
Because Silver is awesome, he understands that these things are going to crop up. I do as good of a job as I can to clean them, and now at least warn him if I see the door pop open, and stuff start to fall out. Sometimes I can even warn him before shit hits him and he can get out of the way, and we can just have a conversation about it. There is some progress.
This clunky analogy worked a lot better in my head than it seems to be doing on paper, sorry guys.
I guess.. What I'm trying to say, is that there are ugly sides of non-monogamy that people tend not to talk about, and they can cause issues long after relationships end.
I don't think I really want to get into the specifics of what happened to cause those things? But the nut shell version is peoples words said one thing, and their actions consistently showed another. Big things, small things, dealing with metamours, kitchen table poly being the Standard Model my partner(s) wanted to operate with, and me being reprimanded when I voiced an issue with that. I was chided for voicing a lot of things actually. Being told I was nagging or jealous when attempting to express displeasure or worry at a situation (and my worries and anxiety were usually the things that were actually going on). It was just not a good situation.
I had great times, this wasn't some long slog of awfulness. It's just that eventually, the bad outweighed the good, and because I can only control myself and not other people, I decided this relationship model is not currently for me. Could I change my mind? Sure. I don't know what the future holds.
But mostly, I wanted to write some stuff about partners stumbling into shit they weren't warned about, because the person whose shit it was, didn't even know they had to warn them.
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