The following text was written by @SilverTonguedOne. He sent this to me, as we talked and decompressed after a weekend of intensity shared with new friends.
When I met you a year ago, you were a wounded and distrustful Coyote. Mangy because no one had groomed you in ages. Your ribs showed because your meals came as often as you could steal or scavenge something off the side of the road. Don't get me wrong, you were very friendly and loved silly games like tug of war with my boots. But you were generally sad and suspicious. You had a collar on, but it was old and faded and clearly the owner that put it on you wasn't around enough to fix it. But the one thing that was clear on the collar was the name...
A year later, your hair is cleaner, longer, healthier. Your ribs don't show and you don't wolf your food anymore because you're no longer afraid each meal may be the last in a while. Your teeth are clean and healthy. You've had your shots and take your medicine like a good girl. You love to play and snuggle with Daddy. You still get shy (not scared, just shy) and you like to stay within paws' reach of Daddy's legs in case you need a safety.
Sometimes I'll catch you walking sideways towards something to sniff it out, unsure if it's dangerous or if you like it. But as you inch closer, you never once look back at me. Because you know I'm there if you need me or the safety of my legs. You know that Daddy will always be there. And you didn't have that a year ago.
General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is something I've struggled with for literally as long as I can remember. I've talked about my struggles with GAD before. I've been to therapy for my anxiety, I've learned a lot of tools to help deal with and manage my anxiety. The biggest help (other than a concussion) with managing my anxiety has been my friends, and my partner.
My anxiety lies. That's all anxiety is to me. Intrusive thoughts in my head that beat me down and tell me things like "you're not good enough" "you don't deserve love" "you're too broken to be fixed" and "no one will ever want you." I've referred to these collective shitstains as the brain weasels before. Because they weasel into every nook and cranny of my insecurities.
April 1, of last year is the first time Silver and I met in person. We'd spent a few weeks chatting on apps and getting a feel for each other. It was the banter that really got me into him. Talking about bacon, and food and travel. I just felt the kind of connection I feared would never actually exist between myself and another person. Meeting in person only solidified that connection.
As the anniversary of our first date approaches, I've been doing a lot of thought on who I am as a person and how all the new experiences I've had this past year have changed me.
I still fear my old relationship baggage is too much. I've spent a lot of time talking out my actual issues and identifying where my fears come from and replying that information back to Silver.
I've also talked a lot about why the coyote is my identifier, and why I've chosen to represent myself as one in art and metaphor. Silver had been talking to me about the progress he's seen me make since we started seeing each other a year ago. And in my blindness to my own progress, I had been unable to see it. Worried, almost to a panic level that I WAS NOT progressing and was actively backsliding into abject failure and creating a burden for him to deal with.
His words have made me realize that there is progress and he does see it, and maybe if he sees it, I can see it too and finally step back from the ledge that the weasels constantly try to push me to.
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