Big Coyote Energy

 Yes this is a camp writing, just bear with me.  I haven’t tagged people because I haven’t gotten permission, so if you ID yourselves or want me to specify you, let me know and I will include you <3  [ **Content warning: loss/loneliness/grief/depression]** --- I keep no secrets on my identifier as a coyote. Something that has started to make more and more sense as time passes. I’ve been using a coyote or coyote hybrid as a personal character of mine for at least 15 years, probably a lot longer if I actually go do the math. Originally, I picked Coyote as my inner creature because I didn’t feel powerful or magestic enough to be a wolf or other distinguished canine. I knew I wasn’t meant to be a dog, domesticated and immersed in service and obedience. A coyote always seemed to fit. Not a large and powerful predator, but a predator all the same. Adaptable and curious, and a spectacular example of duality. Coyote mythos shows a creature who learns lesson after lesson at the...

*Note: This post is 7 months old, and about DOFusion17 * Fusion is a blur for me. A blur of emotions, almost all of them in the positive category. This is the first event I have felt present at, in a long time. The car accident last July did a number on me, that year anniversary is coming up and I will not be 100% back to my old self. Fusion was a lot of realizing what my new normal is, and my health problems seem to continue to grow, and some days that's ok, and other days it's crushing, and all of that is also ok. I was distracted, for camp. I spent weeks, even a couple months prepping everything for myself and Silver (@SilverTonugedOne if you want to friend him), and assisting with general Compound things and buying supplies and trying to be a helpful, if not distracted dog. I didn't know until the Thursday 2 weeks before camp that Silver was 100% coming to Fusion. I wouldn't let myself get my hopes up, because I've been there before, hoping with my heart of...

I've already started letting details slip. Not because I want to, but because my brain just isn't working properly. Literally. I now have medical documentation that states I'm essentially, on a bran function level "just kinda drunk" ALL THE TIME. And you know what, it feels like it. It's hard to concentrate. It's hard to verbalize. I have difficulty finding words or expressing myself or my feelings. It's been like that since the accident, not just camp. I actually felt some of the best I have felt since the accident, I just keep running into new problems. I essentially haven't been hungry in 5 days, which is alarming to me. You guys know how much I love food. I didn't get to play very much at camp. I also didn't feel very much like playing. The drive from PT to the grounds was absolutely exhausting. And the new trend of people arriving earlier and earlier every event is actually causing me a lot of issues. I like being one of the first ...

### A list of things that should be talked about. --- I found some words in my brain to vomit up and put on the internet. The following are my viewpoints, and my view points only. I'm concussed, so if this doesn't flow worth shit, file it under "things Ren does with a concussion." I will probably not be responding to comments in the long term. I may delete shitty off topic comments, or I might leave them and mock you, mercilessly. For transparency: I've done work for and gotten comped by DO for quite a few events. I host CBC for fusion, I boot black at Winter Fire, I have taught at previous events, I have run IONs. I have not paid to go to a DO event, short of this camp, in a hot minute. DO is my kink home and has been for a long time. I struggled for a while to figure out what to say, if anything, and how to say it, when I did figure out I wanted to talk. When you care about something, you should be honest. I care about the people who attend, my friends, ...

So... Fusion. 2o16. Holy shitoley. Warning; this is quite a feels dump. I had exactly the camp I needed. I was so worried that it was going to be bad. And don't get me wrong... Wednesday and Thursday were sort of clusterfuckey for me. I wasn't sober much those two days because I was having trouble dealing with my own head. I had to come to terms with the depths of my own loneliness and actually accept it. For real, not just for pretend. It's been a really hard road. This was the first event I've been to as a single, functional person. I felt incredibly alone Wednesday and Thursday nights. I actually had pangs of it all throughout the event but some days were easier to deal with than others. I'm really impressed with myself for being able to form meaningful connections with new people and actually enjoy myself. I find it so incredibly difficult to trust people. I identify strongly with the Stray Dog. Once upon a time had a home and a warm bed with someone to ...

It's been 19 days since I accepted that someone important to me no longer seemed to want me in their life. I'm still not sure what happened and I'm still not sure what to do about it, so for now that is on the back burner. This person has their own things to deal with right now and at the moment I don't think I'm comfortable being part of that.   I'm upset, hurt, and angry that I allowed someone I trusted so deeply to blindside me like this. But I've worked through a lot of my feelings, the remainder are being sorted slowly, with a lot of backsliding and a lot of hesitnacy. I learned a lot. About myself. About how to interact with people, about how to listen to my gut when it says "hey, this thing seems werid, maybe you shouldn't do it." There was a lot of that. I may be done bending over backwards to please other people and that kills me. I may only offer that compersion if I find it being returned.  I have to work to be able to give o...

Like i surmised.. Fusion was a weird event for me. Don't get me wrong, i really did have a good time. But for the most part, navigating that event was like wandering through a maze. I made it out at the end but i'm not sure how i got there. I've been processing a lot of stuff since i got home, when i'm not sleeping. Good, amazing and wonderful things I asked someone i've never really met before to play, or at least talk about playing. That didn't happen, but we did chat and i've got the biggest fangirl crush ever. This was a huge step for me because i am god awful at asking others for play, especially if i don't know them that well.  Had a scene with someone i've played with before that involved a lot of punching, including cunt punching! I like cunt punching. I was so sore. Taking out my VCH is a really good idea before hand...  I had an *amazing* rope scene with someone i've played with very very lightly before that pushed me in ways i d...

I'll be there, teaching and hosting Cigars Boots & Chocolate with Kamm. :)

I'm mostly writing this whole series of entries to 1. remember shit, and 2. prove to everyone that i'm not an emotionless wash bucket and that this shit scares me. My play has shifted to the place that usually falls on most peoples hard limits list, and this isn't a story about "you must be this kinky to ride." I can do this kind of play because i have the right kind of trust and support system and fucked up people who love to push me.  So, if you've read the last two entries i've posted, you probably have a good idea of what happened at my DO Winter Fire event. I left out the scene with the stun gun and the stun baton because.. Well, i'm not really sure. Sadist and i did another scene on Saturday after my Pet Play class (which went amazingly well by the way, that class is always so fun to teach. Petplayers have some of the most amazing energy and they always bring it to the class) that was based on pain. And for some reason i agreed to it. Stun ...

Trigger warning: drowning, blood, ..fuck a lot of blood, and needles. This write up explores most of my Sunday, it gives an inside perspective as to what i was feeling and how i was handled before my scene.  Sunday. I wake up to a text from my sadist "How anxious are you?" My reply; "i was feeling fine until you said something.." I feel my anxiety spike and i work to keep it down.  My phone goes off again: "I recommend that you stay hydrated today and this evening." "I'm trying to stay on top of it..". Phone buzzes again "That's scary." "What is?" "That you trust me." ' I do ' i think to myself.. If i didn't trust him, we wouldn't be doing this. I would never have consented, and he does actually have my consent. I mean, i have to get in the tub right? I told him i wouldn't struggle for that, not physically anyway, i wasn't going to fight him to get in the tub, most accidents in t...

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