It's been 19 days since I accepted that someone important to me no longer seemed to want me in their life. I'm still not sure what happened and I'm still not sure what to do about it, so for now that is on the back burner. This person has their own things to deal with right now and at the moment I don't think I'm comfortable being part of that.
I'm upset, hurt, and angry that I allowed someone I trusted so deeply to blindside me like this. But I've worked through a lot of my feelings, the remainder are being sorted slowly, with a lot of backsliding and a lot of hesitnacy. I learned a lot. About myself. About how to interact with people, about how to listen to my gut when it says "hey, this thing seems werid, maybe you shouldn't do it." There was a lot of that. I may be done bending over backwards to please other people and that kills me. I may only offer that compersion if I find it being returned.
I have to work to be able to give out my compersion. That love, that gift, that giving, will not come so easially now. My current partners are already dealing with this. They're doing a really good job in all honesty and it gets easier by the day.
I can't even begin to tell those close to me how truly greatful i have been for their support, advice and shoulders. When I needed someone to cry on, they were there. When I needed someone to bitch to, they were there. When I needed advice on what to do, or what to say, they were there. When I needed a lap to curl up in, or a cup of tea, or a hug, they were there. When I needed someone to make me cry, when I needed someone to fuck me and not respect me, they were there. Not that I won't continue to need these things, but I know I don't have to worry about being an emotional burdeon on those I love, cherish and hold close.
I've been at camp twice this year while things were bad for me. I want, so badly, to say "off" or "weird" or downplay it, but it wasn't that. It was bad. And that's OKAY. That's not to say I didn't have amazing times at camp (for both Fusion and SummerFest) I DID, and to those of you who assisted me in any way, I am extremely appreciatve. But I'm finding more and more that what I bring to camp when I arrive is what I experience and that was very very evident for me.
There were things I usually enjoy a lot that I couldn't even find the taste for, like service and sex. I had to work every day of camp (at Summer Fest), and my service brain melded my existing want to serve to support work. I'm not in service to my job but that was how it felt. I was honoring my boss by doing work with a shitty internet connection from my cabin bed every morning and assinsting customers and answering their question and quelling their anger if their orders were botched. I spent at least two hours every day with one foot in my vanilla world and I can't do that again.
I arrived at camp late Friday night, also because of work. I'm a person with social anxiety. It's not always there and sometimes I do a really good job pretending I'm an extrovert but that really isn't the case. I fool people a lot. Getting to camp sometime on Thursday is good for me because i get to slowly fill the people bucket (that's less kinky than it sounds). I'm old news for most people by Friday because I've been there for a day. There's no rush to say hi to the puppy or hug me or something. I can go along at my own pace and everything is fine. Getting there Friday after registration is.. asking a lot out of me emotionally.
Fusion was equally weird, you can read about that write up, its back in my writing history. I don't want to dig it up right now.
I had a scene get rescheduled from Saturday night to Sunday that fucked with me a lot. I'd refrained from doing a few things earlier in the day that I would have done otherwise, but when at camp stuff can change, people do things, get their energy drained, shit comes up, whatever. I understand that. I always have a "but it's camp" clause at the end of my scheduled scenes that gives my scene partner an out if they need it because I only want to play if my play partner feels like THEY want to play with ME. See, I'm not comfortable playing if you aren't pretty much 100% into doing something with me. You might not be super gun-ho on the exact thing we're doing, but you should be enthusiastic about your interactions with me. For the record, I did eventually get that scene and it was transformative.
It's been a long, long time since I've felt like someones priority, kink-wise. My limitation in partners does not help, this I know. I'm only comfortable with male ID'd people with whom I am attracted to and who can take certain roles. I like involving penetrative sex in my kink. I'm beginning to top, and branch out a little, but my true love is to bottom, to take the pain and the suffering from another that I trust. The fact that I'm involved with polysaturated people doesn't help. I'm not sure what does help but as a rough bottom flying solo at events is hard for me. (In before "but you're not alone, you have Kamm!"). Kamm and I don't have an extended D/s dynamic, and the parts of D/s that we do, aren't really campy. When we're at camp or kink events, his relationship with his D/s partner takes priority. This is our negotaited terms and I am comfortable with this.
Kamm seems to have such an easy time finding play and romantic partners, and I'm too cagey. I'm too hesitant. It takes me so long to warm up to people emotionally or sexually or submissivly. Sometimes it can be years. Generally the connections I do end up forming are fufilling on some level. My biggest problem tends to be that my partners can't find enough time for me. That's not a terrible problem to have, but the priority thing. That hurts. And it isn't really even anyones fault.
Something something, it gets better. Something someting, positive outlook. Something something, something something.
I've been exploring different types of pain and play than those I used to do with someone else. I find myself needing to reclaim myself and my pain. That's why you might see me doing rope, or topping, or bottoming to people I wouldn't have bottomed to before. I'm exploring my own existance. I think I've lost my taste for D/s for the moment. That is related to the same circumstances I spoke about above. None of the dynamic I lost was D/s involved but the amount of trust I'd need to let someone be that close isn't a level where I'm willing to let others in to that point. I don't think it's fair to give someone unrealistic hurdles to clear.
I've used bootblacking as a coping mechinism which has helped a lot. Being able to give that much of myself to something that, by it's very nature can't hurt me or disapoint me has been good. I did get to work on a lot of leather at camp.
I tried topping for the first time. I had a lot of fun but some stuff was really confusing for me. I'll see if I can work through that.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this writing. I wanted to vent a little, and talk about why I've been more down than usual lately. But also talk about some good things. Maybe I just needed to get out some of the sads. I haven't written in a while and this stuff has been rolling around my brain for a good minute.
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