Big Coyote Energy

I want to do so much, and have the energy for so little. Kinking with a concussion is serious bad news bears. In fact, existing at all is a struggle. I registered for RambleGrue at the same time I registered for DO Summer Camp, before the concussion. I didn't imagine myself playing much, if at all at Grue, which turned out to be true, but okay. I've come to accept I have limitations and the concussion business makes it hard to remember things and does things in my brain that make play difficult. My pain tolerance sucks because I'm so tired all the time, or my brain gets caught up on things it has no business thinking about ---the brain weasels. So I'd mostly taken play off the table. What I did want to exercise and experience were a few things; Experience GRUE. My right to exist in the world as a complex human being. Using my words to ask for the things I wanted. Try to come to a place of peace with how I've been feeling in the universe. I really, reall...

I've already started letting details slip. Not because I want to, but because my brain just isn't working properly. Literally. I now have medical documentation that states I'm essentially, on a bran function level "just kinda drunk" ALL THE TIME. And you know what, it feels like it. It's hard to concentrate. It's hard to verbalize. I have difficulty finding words or expressing myself or my feelings. It's been like that since the accident, not just camp. I actually felt some of the best I have felt since the accident, I just keep running into new problems. I essentially haven't been hungry in 5 days, which is alarming to me. You guys know how much I love food. I didn't get to play very much at camp. I also didn't feel very much like playing. The drive from PT to the grounds was absolutely exhausting. And the new trend of people arriving earlier and earlier every event is actually causing me a lot of issues. I like being one of the first ...

Like i surmised.. Fusion was a weird event for me. Don't get me wrong, i really did have a good time. But for the most part, navigating that event was like wandering through a maze. I made it out at the end but i'm not sure how i got there. I've been processing a lot of stuff since i got home, when i'm not sleeping. Good, amazing and wonderful things I asked someone i've never really met before to play, or at least talk about playing. That didn't happen, but we did chat and i've got the biggest fangirl crush ever. This was a huge step for me because i am god awful at asking others for play, especially if i don't know them that well.  Had a scene with someone i've played with before that involved a lot of punching, including cunt punching! I like cunt punching. I was so sore. Taking out my VCH is a really good idea before hand...  I had an *amazing* rope scene with someone i've played with very very lightly before that pushed me in ways i d...

I'll be there, teaching and hosting Cigars Boots & Chocolate with Kamm. :)

Hey everyone, sorry for the lack of updates. There wasn't a lot going on in May and now June is going to be insane. I'll try to do write ups in between things. This month we have the following: Private Event (KBW) this weekend. Private BBQ (PIBBQ) Sunday  Private Event (EL) next weekend, also Fathers Day. DO Fusion the week after. Krakens Lair the week after Fusion So this month will basically be a whirlwind of debauchery. I can live with this.

Hey everyone, I am here, i've just been busy, and or lazy and or distracted by cats. I've been doing a lot of event work and less chilling out and blogging. Have no fear, i will get some good writing ready to submit in the next couple of months. If you are in the Maryland area and would like to see me teach, i'll be at Touch of Flavor this weekend teaching Bottom's 101; safety in the dungeon, moderating their relationships panel and acting as a demo bottom for the butt drumming class. I'll also be attending two other events this weekend (i'm gonna be BUSY).

I've been trying to write on the blog about FetFEST since Monday, and that's not happening. Let's try a different approach... --- FetFest, like other large events seemed to be a culminating event for me. I worked through a lot of shit, one of my regrets is not working through, and accepting more things. I never realized how much the storm at Fusion12 impacted me. Having a full 3 nights and 4 days to play and connect really showed me what this is about. My attitude coming out of FetFest12 is entirely different, probably because i didn't spend 48 hours trying to trick myself out of having a panic attack. Daddy and i arrived at camp Thursday evening and set up the tent in the dark. It was fun, and we finally got everything set up around 10pm. Friday was spent running around doing volunteer work and helping TNG Village come to life, taking time to swim nude. It was strange, while i had a welcome overabundance of amazing friends and chosen family i was lack...

So... Fusion. That happened. It happened hard. And this is gonna be loooong and disjointed like most of my entries. Others seem to be more efficient in getting their feelings out. Reading their experiences, their scenes, their torment, their fears, it has an energy. I'm not a person for "energies" or "feelings" but something in me is tied to camp. I left part of myself there, and i found parts of myself that have been buried for a long, long time. Parts of me i believe only Kamm has ever known to exist. The parts of me that truly know fear, panic and exhaustion.  Fusion really was a good event for me, but there were parts i would prefer to never experience again, namely the storm. Friday ; On the way up to Ramblewood we stopped at a Tobacco outlet and a great dollar store to pick up some cigars for Kamm and a cooler for drinks. And i finally replaced my knife. Daddy and i arrived around 11am met Bettie_Rage at registration.  Friday it was over 90 degrees. N...

This is probably going to encompass a lot of things other than *just* went on a Winter Fire. I think Winter Fire was a culminating event for me. Kamm routinely points out that almost every scene i do pushes my own personal boundaries, and for some reason i don't actually think about that a lot. I haven't even been here for a year, i entered the scene on May 21, 2011, Kamms birthday. I was afraid of everything! I was afraid of the doorbell that Kamm rang to get us into the PlayHouse that very first time, so scared i jumped and knocked into the trashcans at the door and scared myself *again*. Now look at me. I'm a badass. But not as badass as Kamm... He got fucking abducted. Winter Fire gave me a lot of input on the direction in which i'd like to grow as a submissive. I still see myself as a submissive (with a curious, sly, bratty side) and maybe a little toppy, for rope especially, but the type of play i'd like to get into is a lot clearer now. I want...

-Kamm- and i just got back from DOWF. We're lucky enough to live close enough to the hotel that we could take the metro in. We got a nice short lunch at Zen and got some nice healthy foods. Winter Fire was amazing. I feel like i'm bursting with energy to do more things. I wanted to make a short list of scenes and stuff i experienced before i spaced and forgot something. Scenes breast bondage and rope with Curtis Mercury floor ties, spanking (with water bottles!) and biting with HarshJudgement awesome bitey cuddles with HarshJudement fear play (stungun), knife play, intimacy and more with Lynk needle play (first time) with Lynk intense knife play and horrible biting with Lynk All the things working volunteer shift saturday morning and being called an assistant manager, that was a highlight. sex with Kamm cowering with Beemo during Kamms take down watching lynk's wing scene. plotting more scenes being poked and hugged by everyone. so many buttons. Ok, sho...