I was crying in my sleep again. I was crying when I woke up.
---
If you’re looking for a fun, sexy, kinky writing, this is not it. I won’t blame anyone for opting out 30 seconds or even half way through. I just.. Feel like I need to get this out, or else I’ll be doomed to keep talking about it individually (or just shutting down) with people and I don’t have the energy for that.
This is full of trauma, and parental death.
I think.. I just want people to understand why.. I’m a mess.
Or why my memory is terrible. Or why I’m in so much pain. Or why I’m so sad. Or why I’m not at X thing. Or why I’m quiet. Or why I lose time. Or forget people.
I’m gonna try a time line bullet list.. I’m NOT looking for ANY kind of suggestions for how to deal with any of this. **NO ADVICE. NONE**. I don’t even know if I’ll go re-read this or do anything past read comments once. I might even delete it. WHO KNOWS. I’m not making any promises. **Don’t PM me about it**.
---
Anyway… :
(Please keep in mind I live in a different state than all of these family members).
- October 2020 - I leave my job I’ve been at for 3 years because they continue to make me get ADA accommodation paperwork to continue working from home. Every 3 months. They recalled all back into the office in July of ***2020***. I did not feel safe going back into this environment.
October 2020 - I am hired at a new job that takes Covid more seriously
- Late December 2020 - my bio-paternal grandfather’s health is failing in ways we attribute to a long term degenerative condition he has had for almost 8 years. We now know he had Covid-19.
- Late december 2020 - My parents help get my bio paternal grandparents to appointments and doctors, they repeatedly test negative for Covid. There are no aides to help them and the assisted living facility they were at would not let other staff in to assist due to Covid-19. They were in independent living at this time, and could not get support from the assisted living facility they were attached to.
- Late December 2020 - My dad asks me to come up to see him and my grandparents for their anniversary. I don’t feel comfortable with this, but have not told them no, and was planning on attending, socially distanced with masks on, pending test results.
- New Years Eve - I see 4 people I had been seeing as part of my covid bubble.
- New Years Day 2021 - a human I was around for more than 15 minutes unmasked gets an alert that they had a positive covid result. I go into immediate isolation. I canceled on my parents and grandparents. We know now that this was a false positive test. These happenings keep me from going to PA to see my family.
- January 2 - My grandfather is admitted to the hospital, he tests positive for Covid.
- January 3- my grandmother is admitted to the hospital with pneumonia, she eventually tests positive for covid.
- January 4 - my grandfather passes from Covid.
- Early january - my dad is in and out of the ER with breathing issues, he tests positive for Covid. My younger sister also tests positive.
- Early January-My mom tests positive for Covid and is admitted due to pneumonia.
- Mid January - My mom seems to be getting better.
- Mid January - My dad is released with treatment.
- Mid January - My grandmother is released from the hospital, but her former living place refuses to allow her back in due to her positive covid test. She goes to my parents house, and is on oxygen.
- Mid january - My mom starts to decline and is placed on a ventilator
- Jan 17 - grandfather laid to rest
- Jan 24 - My dad, younger sister and grandma desperately need help with everything, my sister is well enough to go back home. My Dad asks me to come up to help him with my grandmother. My mother is declining.
- Jan 25 - I go to PA to support my family.
- Jan 26 - my mom passes, due to covid.
- Jan 26 - my dad and I take my grandmother to sign paperwork for her new assisted living apartment.
- Jan 31 - (outdoor) Memorial for my mom - it’s a literal blizzard.
- End of Jan - beginning of Feb 2021 - I’m now stuck in PA due to an unprecedented amount of snow falling in a series of storms. My original trip was planned for 2-3 days, it ended up being 10. I was working for most of this.
- Feb 2 - Me and my dad move my grandmother into her new assisted living facility. This was rescheduled twice due to weather.
- Feb 4 - I go back to Maryland and isolate.
- Feb 7 - Cousin’s zoom babyshower.
- Mid feb - a coworker dies suddenly (heart attack) work does basically nothing, past bringing in a grief counselor for 4 total hours over 2 days to support employees. This is someone who I had worked with a few times and knew.
- Mid Feb - I feel unwell, and assume it is my thyroid. Multiple covid tests are negative.
- Feb 26 - I go to my endo for bloodwork. My endo was the last dr appointment I went to in March 2020.
- Early March - work requests that they want me to start coming into the office more, I tell them I can’t.
- March 3 - video appointment w/ endo. He says this is the healthiest I’ve ever been (according to my bloodwork…) I tell him I’m having A LOT of problems. He says he can’t help me.
- March 13 - an amazing friend helped me get access to a Covid vaccine shot, I get my first dose of Pfizer. I cry in a CVS while waiting the 15 mins for allergic reactions.
- Mid march - I try to reach out to my old therapist to get some support, and that process is so BAD, and ends up leaving my already bad mental health in shambles.
- March 17 - my eldery cat has to go to the vet because he’s had a cold for weeks that he hasn’t kicked. My vet is concerned because he’s lost weight.
- March 31 - eldery cat goes for blood work - they want more tests
- April 1 - Some FUCKING NONSENSE in the form of texts that had no business being in my inbox.
- April 2 - 2nd dose of Pfizer. Also more text nonsense from the same person above. More crying in a CVS.
- Early April - Work wants me to come in 2 days a week for in-office work. I managed to do this for exactly 2 weeks.
- April 16 - eldery cat goes for ultrasound
- April 16 - I finally see my primary care provider, I am diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I ask for a referral for mental health support.
- April 20 - replace armstick (birth control)
- April 23 - go to PA - all the jewelry and pieces that were made from my mom's ashes have arrived and need to be given to their homes. These meets are mostly outdoor and almost all attendees are vaccinated.
- End of april - My uncle is diagnosed with covid and is in and out of the hospital. He has a lot of comorbidities. We are worried.
- End of April - I reach out to the recommended mental health support I was given by my primary doc - they cannot help me.
- Early May - 2nd opinion vet wants my elderly cat to have an extremely expensive surgery with a lot of extra things (biopsies, no cancer tho) and I tell them I need more information before this happens.
Early May - Work requests 3 days a week in office - I have yet to comply.
- May 24 - my uncle passes from covid after being hospitalized for over 50 days.
- May 24 - I edit his obituary photo for my Aunt, who I love dearly.
- End of May - I go to my primary doctor to have ADA accommodation paperwork filed out. AGAIN. Work has advised that Covid is no longer a “good enough” reason to continue WFH and ADA is my only option.
- May into June - I am in Physical Therapy to help with Fibro shit
I wrote this out in google docs before putting it on Fet.. Mostly so I could get my thoughts together. This point is where I’ve hit 4 pages in a google doc. Single spaced…
The person I lost at the end of January was my adopted mom. She’d been in my life for over 25 years. I lost my bio mom when I was a kid. So you can imagine the garbage fire my mental health is right now. I was lucky enough to have two mothers I love dearly.. And unlucky enough to lose both of them before I turn 35.
Add in, work wants to “go back to normal” because covid is over, right? And I’ve had to do a lot of work to make sure I don’t become a shut-in. My anxiety is out of control some days. My pain, fatigue and memory are bad because of the fibro.. And the grief. Everything is so fucking much right now. I've been struggling with Mom death (x2) trauma, feeling entirely abandoned by people, struggling to remain a functional human in the wake of all of this, living essentially alone.. I don't think I've done a good job conveying the dread and despair that I've been struggling with. I'm not a danger to myself, but I've seen some ugly truths about myself and looked down some roads where I know where they end.. and have managed to pull myself back. But to say it has been any kind of easy would be a lie I can’t even pretend is true.
I’m not in a hurry to “get back to” anything. Groups of more than 8 people set off my anxiety. I’ve had to leave grocery stores for having too many people in them, or around me. Driving is back to causing me a lot of issues. And I’m “working on” getting accommodation to continue working from home (now due to fribo because according to work “covid isn’t a good enough reason to stay home anymore) so… I'm FINALLY at a point where I'm not losing it daily, but there are still a lot of bad days. The weirdest shit sets me off into a sneaky hate spiral, or a grief spiral or an anxiety spiral and the weasels are so bad.
That’s been the last 6 months of my life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
If/when you see me next, keep in mind I might have gone entirely feral.
Comments
Post a Comment