Big Coyote Energy

* (Note: This post is old, about a year old, but relevant in my life.) * This is hard to write. I get jealous. I shame myself about what gets me off. My name is Ren and the above two sentences are honest statements. I haven't posted a Winter Fire write up (this would have been Winter Fire 2017). I know. I'm slow. But I think, part of that, is because I need to get this out first. I needed to wrangle my feelings. I've done a lot of consensually fucked up stuff with people. My carefully crafted tower of kink cards began the slow descent to chaos a few years ago when I had a series of break ups in quick succession. I  had  lovely, supportive partners who communicated with me, and were open, and understanding. ... I thought. But I didn't have that. I thought I did, for a long time. That my relationships were good, and they were fulfilling. And they brought me joy. And those things are true, I was always given  just  enough to keep me craving more. Even today...

I just got done crying, because I got looped into an angry masturbation session, jacking it to things I shouldn't have been looking at [not a good bunch of erotica for me to read] anyway, and then needed to cum twice. I wanted to feel something other than the way I've been feeling for the past month. I should be asleep because I took the horse tranquilizer over an hour ago. It's hard. I've had "problems" for 4 weeks and I'm super fucking done with it. I can't imagine how people live like this. I'm a poor chronic pain candidate. Exceptionally poor. For those of you catching up: car accident, seatbelt failure, whiplash [pretty gnarly] and a much more severe concussion than first presented. I can generally deal with the body pain. As long as it's not whatever happened to me on a week ago. Where the pain was so bad both myself and my doctor feared I'd torn my rotator cuff entirely. I suddenly couldn't lift my right arm above my he...