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I can't remember how to get out of this cage.

I just got done crying, because I got looped into an angry masturbation session, jacking it to things I shouldn't have been looking at [not a good bunch of erotica for me to read] anyway, and then needed to cum twice. I wanted to feel something other than the way I've been feeling for the past month.

I should be asleep because I took the horse tranquilizer over an hour ago.

It's hard.

I've had "problems" for 4 weeks and I'm super fucking done with it. I can't imagine how people live like this. I'm a poor chronic pain candidate. Exceptionally poor.

For those of you catching up: car accident, seatbelt failure, whiplash [pretty gnarly] and a much more severe concussion than first presented.

I can generally deal with the body pain. As long as it's not whatever happened to me on a week ago. Where the pain was so bad both myself and my doctor feared I'd torn my rotator cuff entirely. I suddenly couldn't lift my right arm above my head, 3 weeks after the accident. Good news, it's not torn, bad news, my body is made of failure and anti-inflammatories don't seem to be working.

They gave me one Rx that was working for a while to relieve some of my pain, a nerve blocker, that suddenly stopped working and killed my ability to orgasm. Apparently I'm the first case of that my doc has seen. Not the medicine not working, but not being able to orgasm as a result of a nerve blocker. Good job body, keep being a medical oddity.

PT is exhausting. And I don't really even do that much. Actually, almost anything is exhausting. Doing anything for more than a couple of hours is exhausting. Focusing for 3+ hours? Forget it. Dizziness, fuzziness, brain fog, vertigo, double vision. Those are my almost constant companions. Along with headache and nausea. Going up and down stairs makes it worse. Bending over makes it worse. I can't remember shit. Moments where I think I'm getting better are set back by the realization of things that roommate tells me I did, like taking in the trash can, but I don't remember doing at all. I'm so used to being able to juggle 12 things at once that barely being able to remember one is crushing.

I feel useless. I feel fat. I feel sad. I'm in pain. I'm doing all of this alone. The dog in the bed doesn't count.

"I can't remember." Is my most commonly uttered phrase.

I am going to be RELAXING at camp in an effort to heal what I can with this concussion. I will need help with so many things, and I hate it. Getting my shit out of my car. Putting up my tent. Getting ice.

I've been trapped in the cage of my own body and I don't remember where I put the key. I can't remember if there is a key..

---
These late night ramblings have been brought to you by the drugs I'm currently on.

* Yes I'm seeing a doctor.
* I have pain management in the form of muscle relaxers, I rejected narcotic pain relief.
* I have a hands-on physical therapist.
* You are not my doctor.
* Yes insurance is involved.
* I've retained an attorney.
* Roommate is the most amazing, supportive person. As are my friends. But nothing compares to missing someone curled up in bed with you.

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