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DO Fusion '16: In Which I am the Hottest Mess

So... Fusion. 2o16. Holy shitoley.

Warning; this is quite a feels dump.

I had exactly the camp I needed. I was so worried that it was going to be bad. And don't get me wrong... Wednesday and Thursday were sort of clusterfuckey for me. I wasn't sober much those two days because I was having trouble dealing with my own head.

I had to come to terms with the depths of my own loneliness and actually accept it. For real, not just for pretend. It's been a really hard road. This was the first event I've been to as a single, functional person. I felt incredibly alone Wednesday and Thursday nights. I actually had pangs of it all throughout the event but some days were easier to deal with than others.

I'm really impressed with myself for being able to form meaningful connections with new people and actually enjoy myself. I find it so incredibly difficult to trust people. I identify strongly with the Stray Dog. Once upon a time had a home and a warm bed with someone to curl up with and feel safe with, and a collar and I no longer have those things. Although I think camp was the first time in a long, long time I didn't feel myself instinctively reaching for my used-to-be collar. Going to bed alone was even more difficult than usual because I could see the couples in my cabin having good times with their partners and every night I got into a cold bed alone.

I found myself unable to talk to people, especially people I was interested in, at all. I don't know what my brain was doing or why it was having such a problem but I am glad I was able to get over it. I used non-sober me to go up to people and talk to them and tell them to find me when I was sober because I was not in a place where I could consent to anything at all. And some of them did actually come back and find the next day when I could talk about things. AND THEN SOME OF US ACTUALLY DID THINGS TOGETHER. What a novel idea, playing with people at sex camp.

I had a ton of vanilla sex and that was exactly what I needed. Being able to connect with people physically. Be ok being touched, in a lot of really intimate and non-typical ways for me. I spent a lot of time with hands and mouths on me and that isn't usually how I have sex, but I really, really enjoyed myself.

I let my big fucking mouth get me into trouble. Twice. And it was totally worth it. I gave my roommate instructions to find me some pretty people with some specific things (gender identity, kink orientation, ec] and she TOTALLY delivered.

I found my love for hosting cigar socials all over again.

I left camp so very happy.
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