Trigger warning: drowning, blood, ..fuck a lot of blood, and needles.
This write up explores most of my Sunday, it gives an inside perspective as to what i was feeling and how i was handled before my scene.
Sunday.
I wake up to a text from my sadist "How anxious are you?" My reply; "i was feeling fine until you said something.." I feel my anxiety spike and i work to keep it down. My phone goes off again: "I recommend that you stay hydrated today and this evening." "I'm trying to stay on top of it..". Phone buzzes again "That's scary." "What is?" "That you trust me." 'I do' i think to myself.. If i didn't trust him, we wouldn't be doing this. I would never have consented, and he does actually have my consent. I mean, i have to get in the tub right? I told him i wouldn't struggle for that, not physically anyway, i wasn't going to fight him to get in the tub, most accidents in the home happen in the bathroom and traumatic brain injuries are on both of our hard limits lists...I'm going to get in the tub and i'm going to do it willingly and i'm not going to hurt anyone. My phone buzzes again; "You can stop the drowning at any point and it will start slow and not violent. You'll be ok and I will not be disappointed if the scene doesn't go as planned." ...As planned. He actually has a plan? He's usually more in line with the "Do I look like a man with a plan?" to you level of planning. I only have one plan "don't die. Simple, one step, easy to remember. Don't die.
I know today is going to be tough. Of course we have the drowning planned, but we've also got two separate blood play scenes as well. One for him, with his blood and one for me, with mine. And THEN the drowning. How am i going to live? I text him "You're not going to kill me, right?" he texts back, for the 30th time "I'm not going to kill you. You'll be fine." Fine.. Everyone keeps telling me that i'll be fine. I don't really believe them. I speak to a few people about what is going on; @BalarianEsq, @MurphyBlue, @_Spiral_, @CurtisMercury, @lizardlappy, Daddy... A few other people. They all said the same thing "you'll be fine." I know the face i gave them, because it was the same face every time. I don't believe you, it says.
I send him another message "Do you think you've got time to see me before the scene tonight?" I need some precare. It's early in the morning and our scene set won't start until 8pm. I don't know if i can go that long.. I mean, i can, if i have to, but it'll be difficult. Precare is different than warm up. I've needed precare for scenes before, like the live burial and the first rape/CNC (consensual non-consent) scene we had. It's aftercare, but before a scene, or aftercare solely for my anxiety. Believe it or not i am a very anxious person. I generally do a good job of keeping it under control and managing it and have become a decent fear tamer over the years. But not today. Today isn't the day for that. I keep it in check enough to function mostly as normal. The one thing i couldn't override was my appetite loss. If i'm anxious, i absolutely lose my will to consume food. Which is terrible, because i absolutely love food, and it's sort of important if you want to do something later. "Yes, meet me in the lobby at 1:30, I'll make time."
I follow @Bettie_Rage to the Corner Bakery to get some breakfast. Stay hydrated. Eat. I have instructions. I get a salad, they were out of eggs. Bacon would have been better, but i figure healthier food is better. The salad tastes good. I meet some nifty new people and generally enjoy myself and forget about how i feel. I find @CurtisMercury and we browse vending for a while. I'd wanted to get myself either another chest harness or a set of suspenders. Suspenders are an important part of my imagined boy getup. I'm nervous, but i try to push it out of my mind. I'd taken a shower earlier in the morning and didn't hate the tub yet. I wonder if he'll make me hate the bathtub.
@CurtisMercury does a fantastic job of calming me down and distracting me. I haven't seen him in a while and it's nice to catch up. We browse vending and eventually end up at Leather By Danny. I've spoken to Danny at least half a dozen times, he always has time for me when i want to ask him about something product related, plus i love his work. We go over a set of custom suspenders, made in a more masculine cut. I'm in love. I put them on and prance around in all my queer gender fuckery. Eventually 1:30 rolls around, @CurtisMercury has somewhere to be and so do i. I make my way down to the lobby and meet up with my sadist. I stare at myself in the mirrored panel of the elevator as i ride it down.
I'm apprehensive about approaching him. "When was the last time you ate?" "Around 8, for breakfast." "Come on, lets get some lunch." "Ok." We go over to Quiznos and he buys me lunch. When i protest to pay for my own sandwich he looks me in the eye and says "I'm going to drown you later, the least you can do is let me buy you lunch." I stop arguing and take my sandwich. We go down into the dungeon level to find a comfy place to sit and eat. I'm still not hungry. We sit and chat and cuddle. I slowly ease myself into forgetting my imminent doom. I'm laughing. That's usually a good sign. I try to eat some of my sandwich.
2:30 rolls around, he's going to a class and i need to find a way to occupy myself. My brain is racing. I don't think i should be alone. I look into the classroom across from the futon i was seated on and see it's @M0co and @Beemo's "Frogs, Hogs and Shrimps" class on floor related rope work. I'm in no mood to be tied, but being around friends would be beneficial. I find @Daria4 in the room as well. We partner up since the class requires partners, then we sit against the wall and watch everyone else tie. @Beemo feeds me a chip and pets me and tells me i'm a good puppy.
The class slot ends and i'm still looking for something to do. I know i shouldn't be alone. @Mister_Sean's interrogation class is scheduled next door. It's a difficult class to sit though, and i know because i've attended it before, but i don't think it will be an issue. I know what's coming and feel i'm prepared. I meet up with @lizardhappy and we sit together. @Mister_Sean gives me a shout out for one of his rules and i forget my anxiety and fangirl out for a moment. It feels good. @Tigerlilly_Purrs is the demo bottom. She suffers beautifully. I've let my sadist push me as far as needing aftercare for a class, but that is nothing compared to this. I'm sitting literally in the splash zone, but my own anguish is forgotten watching her. I eat my sandwich. Then, at the end of the class, @Mister_Sean starts taking volunteers for water boarding. Excuse me, water boarding? This wasn't part of the class last time i sat in ...Sadist had mentioned his interest in doing that to me at some future time as well. Several times. You've got to be kidding me. I look at @lizardhappy "...i should leave" but i don't. Because i'm incapable of making a good decision for myself. I watch at least 5 people get water boarded. It doesn't seem so bad from the outside. I wonder what its like under the cloth. I bet it's awful.
I leave the class worried. I should find people. I wander over to the boot blacking station and muse around for a moment. I'd like my suspenders conditioned. While i'm waiting for my turn i wander upstairs to the lobby and spot @IrisEnchanted @CurtisMercury and @MurphyBlue sitting around the couches. I take a seat on the floor and ask @CurtisMercury if i can put my head on his knee. He puts his boot on my thigh and i relax, sort of puppying out. @Irisenchanted shows me her new toy. It's a lollypop. Eventually i go back downstairs and get my suspenders conditioned and hang out with Daddy , @CupcakeNarcotic @DragonEmrys and @TheFingerbangKid for a little while. Sadist texts me and tells me to meet him in the lobby in 20 minutes.
I owe Daddy a drink so we go upstairs to the bar. He gets a gin and tonic and we chill out. "You'll be fine Babydoll, text me when you're done so I know you're alright?" I nod "Yes Daddy.. I'll text you." I'm not making eye contact with him. I'm constantly looking around the bar, sadist might sneak up on me to scare me. I see him and one of his other play partners, @Bedsquid coming and feel an unsettling combination of relief and anxiety. We aren't doing the drowning first, i tell myself. A few times, it sort of starts to settle in. We get to do blood play. And some of it will be his blood. We've never done blood play with blood from him before, it's always been mine. He had a few ideas for a photos and i was all to happy to oblige him on them. I'll always use my skills for a combination of sexy evil. "How are you doing?" I don't look at him. He picks up my chin and gives me a hug. "You'll be fine." Fine. That word... I don't even know what to do with it anymore. Fine has become this term in an alien language i no longer understand. A language in a world where no one is trying to drown me in a bathtub. That world no longer exists.
"I need to grab dinner. Would you like to join @Bedsquid and I?" I nod my head. I'm not hungry at all, my appetite has been gone for hours but being around him is comforting. @Bedsquid gives me a hug and looks at me like i'm doomed. I am doomed. She thanks me for being his partner, at least there is someone else to get subjected to his horrible ideas. I'd asked him if he'd ever drowned anyone before, no, i get to be the first one.
We end up back at the Corner Bakery and grab food. Not long after, sadist and i start making our way over to my hotel room. I'm trying to calm down. We get in the room and start prepping for the first image we planned on. I'd wanted to redo an old avatar shot of mine, it doesn't take much time at all. We laugh a lot, i have him act as a stand in model so i can mess with the camera settings. Sadist isn't a photographer but he does shoot me a lot and does a good job. Those pictures are fantastic but i don't think they'll ever see the light of day beyond my eyes.
I'm so turned on, and so scared. He comes over to me and we sit on the bed. I'm worried about where i'll be when we're done. I'm absolutely convinced that i will be in a bad place, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm worried i won't be able to be sexual when at that point either. He has a great track record for having me explore things i'm terrified of that i really end up liking. I'm either going to like drowning, or i'm going to be putting it back on my hard limits list, the one he actually mostly listens to, or something.
Now, for his blood play scene. He wanted a few shots of blood dripping out of his mouth. "You can stick me if you'd like" we're set up and ready to go, with a clean area a dirty area and plenty of chux. "No, i'd rather watch you stick yourself." I get a weird kind of sick pleasure at watching him cause himself pain. I'll take what i can get, after all, it's going to get bad for me later. I glove up and help supply him. I watch the needle piece the skin on his left arm and the blood flow into the bag. There's a pretty good amount of it. He pumps his fist and i take off the tourniquet. After a moment or two the blood flow starts to slow down and i grab him a piece of gauze. He has me grab his set of vampire teeth. "My life partner thought it would be hot if it's sort of a vampire related shoot." You know what, that works, a lot. Let's do it!" He puts on the sharp false canines.
I re-glove and grab a coffee stirrer out of a packet for him to use as a straw. Once he has everything i remove my gloves and grab the camera. I'm trying to stay in work mode as i watch him take the first sip of his own blood. Fuck that's hot. "It's still warm." I wonder what it would be like to kiss with a mouth full of blood. I bat the thought away. Shoot damnit. If we don't hurry it'll coagulate. I watch his eyes roll back as he takes another measure, this time letting some of it drip down his mouth and down his chest. My pussy is wet again. Fuck can i really be turned on? He's about to stick needles in me and then drown me. "All i can smell is pussy.." i look at him, pretty ashamed. He smiles. We progress with a few more pictures and eventually i put the camera down. He hops in the shower and cleans off and we review the images. They are hot.
I'm anxious again. He sits next to me and puts his arm around me. I'm scared and turned on again. I pull the mental image of him blissing out with a mouth full of blood. All i smell is pussy. Does this thing ever turn off? The energy is intense. I'm going to get needles shoved in my skin and drowned in a tub. Why am i turned on? What is even going on here. I let go of the negativity and bite on him a little. I need something; contact, sex, something. We wrestle around a little, naked. It's hot. He tells me what a worthless whore i am while he uses me and i love it.
I lay down on top of a chuk on the bed, floating from an orgasm. We decide on 18gauge, since i'm clearly not paying attention. "What do you think, 10?" "10 18s? I don't know if i can take that, can we go until i say stop?" "No. Give me a number." "8. 8 needles." There's your number. He grabs the skin on my chest above my right breast quite high. I wince. The area has been prepped, he can stick me whenever he feels like it. I don't want to watch the needles, the angle i have to hold my head at is uncomfortable. I breathe though the insertion as he slides the first one into my skin. He almost always triple sticks the needles and buries the tip in me. Every poke the needle gets duller and it hurts more and more. By the fourth needle i'm a crying mess. There are four more needles. Six go in horizontally. The next four go in, somehow. He grabs the other two to make it the original ten. I cower away, whimpering. "Where do you think you're going?" I stop moving around. He slides the second to last needle in vertically under the others. I'm sobbing. The pain is intense. Normally we play with much smaller needles, 25g, 22g. The puts the 10th needle in and i need a moment.
"Can you sit up?" "I think so.." I'm not looking forward to trying. I know the needles will shift and i'll be in more pain. I can already feel the endorphins flooding my system. I feel floaty. I struggle to sit up and he helps me off the bed. We walk to the bathroom and he sits me down in the tub. I sit down facing him, shoulders slouched, looking up at him and then down at the needles. I see the tips of the vertical ones have slid back under my skin, they were exposed before i got up. Fuck. He grabs the hub of one of the vertical ones and pulls one out. It hurts. He removes the second one. "Now the fun can begin." I look up at him. He told me he found out an even more painful way to remove needles. I know what's coming. I'm so worked up when he grabs the next hub that i flinch roughly backwards and rip the needle out of myself. I yell and he laughs. "That sucked, didn't it? And I didn't even do it!" My vision is red. I huddle down in the tub, blood starts dripping down my chest. It's warm. I work my way though the pain and he grabs another hub and twists it out of me. A good number of the rest of the needles are removed in this same rough manor. I'm crying. My tears are mixing with my own blood on the floor of the bathroom, that's hot, i think to myself. I'm turned on. There are points i relish in the pain. I know i was smiling and laughing at some point, the rush was incredible. I want him to use me but that isn't the next thing on the list and the order of operations is very important. The next needle, the last needle he begins to slide out, and every time he pulls the tip back into my skin he moves it down a few millimeters and pushes it back through. It's agony. The tip gets duller each time. He does it at least four times before removing the needle entirely and sticking it in our sharps bin. They're all out. More blood drips down my chest onto my breasts and thighs. I like the way it feels.
He sits here with me, watching me bleed and we mutually enjoy the blood. Eventually it dries and coagulates. "Time to get cleaned up?" "I look up at him. I can stay here, in this cold empty tub. That's fine. Because if the tub is dry than he can't drown me in it. Flawless logic. "Come on." He helps me up and goes to turn on the shower. "PLEASE NOT COLD!" i grab his wrist with my left hand as he goes to turn on the water. He looks down at my hand "There had better not be blood on your palm." I release my grip immediately. Luckily earlier in the scene i had checked both my palms for blood to see if it was safe for me to touch anything. I was fine but in the moment i completely forgot. After my panic i show him my clean palm. He loves making me go into shock, and uses cold showers on me often. I don't think i can handle it right now. I whimper. "The water will be warm, here, you can control the temperature." I make the water as hot as i can stand it and clean off the blood. I call him back in to check me and make sure i'm clean and have stopped bleeding. He goes out to prep something and i stand staring at the shower knob knowing bad things will happen when i shut off the water.
I struggle to gain the nerve to turn off the water. I can feel myself tearing up. I think it took about five minutes to work up the nerve. I need to shut it off. He's going to drown me. I need to turn off the water. I watch my hand reach out and shut off the water. It's like something else is controlling it. The air stays warm for a little while. I don't move to get out of the shower. I told him i wouldn't fight him to get in the tub and if i'm already in it, well... That's half the battle isn't it? I'm facing outside. He comes back into the bathroom and looks at me. "How are you doing?" I don't say anything, or if i do i don't remember. He goes to turn on the water and makes it warm, but he doesn't turn on the shower or stop up the tub. I watch the water start to slowly fill the bottom of the tub. I cower away from him. He reaches out and puts his hands on either side of my face, letting me lean against him. He looks into my eyes watching for the panic. I hate how turned on i am. The tub seems to take an eternity to fill. I'm staring at the water, wide eyed. It's clear and warm and rising on my ankles.
"Sit down." The instruction is clear and simple. I shake my head no. I don't want to. "You can sit down, and do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way." I whimper. I know what the hard way is. It involves ice. "Please don't..Please.." I'm not fighting the panic anymore. The time for that is done. He's naked. I know he's getting in the tub with me. That was something i'd asked for. Having him be close to me would make it easier for me to deal with what was going to happen. "Sit down." He looks me in the eye and my knees buckle. I sit down in the tub. I'm shaking. It's cold but the water is warm and soothing. The water is still running but the sound is peaceful and calming. He instructs me to lay down with my head towards the back of the tub. "Don't hit your foot on the faucet if you start struggling around. That will fucking suck." I make a mental note of it. I don't need a broken toe. I mentally acknowledge the irony of the man who is about to drown me telling me to be careful. I shake my head.
He has me lay back and i comply. I'm afraid, but not as terrified as i think i should be. He climbs into the tub with me and straddles me. His legs on either side of my hips. I'm propped up on my elbows to keep myself out of the water. My cheek is against his leg. I'm still shaking. He takes his hands and moves my face away from his leg. "Are you ready?" "Nn..n...no." I'm not ready, i don't know if i'll ever be ready. "We're going to start slow, remember?" I vaguely recall the conversation.. "10 seconds. You can hold your breath for 10 seconds, I know you can. Take a deep breath. Count in your head." I'm not ready when he covers my mouth with his hand and pinches my nose with the other. I struggle and sputter and waters gets up my nose, i rush back up for air. More shaking. "Let's try again. Let me know when you're ready." I take a moment to breathe and take a deep breath. He pushes my face under. The water comes up over my face and nose and the world goes quiet, just like he said. The water is warm. The filling of the tub is a low din in the background. I open my eyes under water and look up at him. I have no idea what he sees, i lost count at 3. He lets me up easily and i take another breath.
"20 seconds." That's too many. "15?" "20." "15.." "How about 17?" "15." I'm pretty adamant. "Alright, 15 seconds. Take a deep breath." I feel his hands back over my nose and mouth and i go under again. I grip his forearms with my hands but i don't struggle much. I can't count, i just wait for him to let me back up, and he does. We keep going through 25 seconds. He had turned off the water, the tub slowly drains but i know we aren't done. The going slowly part is over. He pulls me back up and tells me to take a deep breath. I don't even get a word in before he plunges me back down. There is no counting, there is no known time i've got to be down there. I struggle against him, i want to breathe. I barely miss his face with a flailing hand. I look up at him from under the water. The water burns my eyes.. DC has really chlorinated water i think. I blink. I'm back under. The time between each dunk is shrinking. I barely have any time to let the water run off my face and nose so i don't aspirate or inhale it while taking the next breath. I swallow some.
He turns the water back on, this time it's cool. I don't like it. He can't cover my face effectively with the water level where it is at. I feel the temperature change from my legs and ass work up my body, it never really gets to my face. I'm pleased that he's sitting in the cold water with me. Suffer, asshole. I think. He isn't suffering. He takes cold showers because he likes them. I conveniently forget about that.
I don't know how many times he shoved me under. I barely remember speaking at all. The whole scene becomes a blur of muffled noise, wetness and air. I'm so turned on and i hate it. I loathe myself, feeling this way. I love the way my body feels as it struggles against his. Like an anchor sitting on top of me. I absolutely can not throw him in this position, and i wouldn't try. Maybe that is why my mind went there, to a place where it was OK to be sexual. He checks in on me periodically. I see his face, cold and calculating looking down at me, blurry from under the water when i do happen to open my eyes and look up. I wonder what he is thinking. I know this isn't sexual for him. We've called it 'serial killer' play.
At some point i mistime my breathing and water rushes into my mouth, thankfully only my mouth. One of the few pieces of advice i had received prior to ...agreeing to do this was do NOT breathe in through your nose. I cough and sputter getting just enough air and he shoves me under again. After that, he lets me back up and looks into my eyes. "Have you had enough?" "Yes" speaking is difficult. I'm in a weird place. The tub is still draining. I can't remember him getting off me but eventually he pulls me out of the water and the tub and dries me off. I'm shaking. Once i'm mostly dry he takes me back over to the bed where i collapse against him and cry.
This write up explores most of my Sunday, it gives an inside perspective as to what i was feeling and how i was handled before my scene.
Sunday.
I wake up to a text from my sadist "How anxious are you?" My reply; "i was feeling fine until you said something.." I feel my anxiety spike and i work to keep it down. My phone goes off again: "I recommend that you stay hydrated today and this evening." "I'm trying to stay on top of it..". Phone buzzes again "That's scary." "What is?" "That you trust me." 'I do' i think to myself.. If i didn't trust him, we wouldn't be doing this. I would never have consented, and he does actually have my consent. I mean, i have to get in the tub right? I told him i wouldn't struggle for that, not physically anyway, i wasn't going to fight him to get in the tub, most accidents in the home happen in the bathroom and traumatic brain injuries are on both of our hard limits lists...I'm going to get in the tub and i'm going to do it willingly and i'm not going to hurt anyone. My phone buzzes again; "You can stop the drowning at any point and it will start slow and not violent. You'll be ok and I will not be disappointed if the scene doesn't go as planned." ...As planned. He actually has a plan? He's usually more in line with the "Do I look like a man with a plan?" to you level of planning. I only have one plan "don't die. Simple, one step, easy to remember. Don't die.
I know today is going to be tough. Of course we have the drowning planned, but we've also got two separate blood play scenes as well. One for him, with his blood and one for me, with mine. And THEN the drowning. How am i going to live? I text him "You're not going to kill me, right?" he texts back, for the 30th time "I'm not going to kill you. You'll be fine." Fine.. Everyone keeps telling me that i'll be fine. I don't really believe them. I speak to a few people about what is going on; @BalarianEsq, @MurphyBlue, @_Spiral_, @CurtisMercury, @lizardlappy, Daddy... A few other people. They all said the same thing "you'll be fine." I know the face i gave them, because it was the same face every time. I don't believe you, it says.
I send him another message "Do you think you've got time to see me before the scene tonight?" I need some precare. It's early in the morning and our scene set won't start until 8pm. I don't know if i can go that long.. I mean, i can, if i have to, but it'll be difficult. Precare is different than warm up. I've needed precare for scenes before, like the live burial and the first rape/CNC (consensual non-consent) scene we had. It's aftercare, but before a scene, or aftercare solely for my anxiety. Believe it or not i am a very anxious person. I generally do a good job of keeping it under control and managing it and have become a decent fear tamer over the years. But not today. Today isn't the day for that. I keep it in check enough to function mostly as normal. The one thing i couldn't override was my appetite loss. If i'm anxious, i absolutely lose my will to consume food. Which is terrible, because i absolutely love food, and it's sort of important if you want to do something later. "Yes, meet me in the lobby at 1:30, I'll make time."
I follow @Bettie_Rage to the Corner Bakery to get some breakfast. Stay hydrated. Eat. I have instructions. I get a salad, they were out of eggs. Bacon would have been better, but i figure healthier food is better. The salad tastes good. I meet some nifty new people and generally enjoy myself and forget about how i feel. I find @CurtisMercury and we browse vending for a while. I'd wanted to get myself either another chest harness or a set of suspenders. Suspenders are an important part of my imagined boy getup. I'm nervous, but i try to push it out of my mind. I'd taken a shower earlier in the morning and didn't hate the tub yet. I wonder if he'll make me hate the bathtub.
@CurtisMercury does a fantastic job of calming me down and distracting me. I haven't seen him in a while and it's nice to catch up. We browse vending and eventually end up at Leather By Danny. I've spoken to Danny at least half a dozen times, he always has time for me when i want to ask him about something product related, plus i love his work. We go over a set of custom suspenders, made in a more masculine cut. I'm in love. I put them on and prance around in all my queer gender fuckery. Eventually 1:30 rolls around, @CurtisMercury has somewhere to be and so do i. I make my way down to the lobby and meet up with my sadist. I stare at myself in the mirrored panel of the elevator as i ride it down.
I'm apprehensive about approaching him. "When was the last time you ate?" "Around 8, for breakfast." "Come on, lets get some lunch." "Ok." We go over to Quiznos and he buys me lunch. When i protest to pay for my own sandwich he looks me in the eye and says "I'm going to drown you later, the least you can do is let me buy you lunch." I stop arguing and take my sandwich. We go down into the dungeon level to find a comfy place to sit and eat. I'm still not hungry. We sit and chat and cuddle. I slowly ease myself into forgetting my imminent doom. I'm laughing. That's usually a good sign. I try to eat some of my sandwich.
2:30 rolls around, he's going to a class and i need to find a way to occupy myself. My brain is racing. I don't think i should be alone. I look into the classroom across from the futon i was seated on and see it's @M0co and @Beemo's "Frogs, Hogs and Shrimps" class on floor related rope work. I'm in no mood to be tied, but being around friends would be beneficial. I find @Daria4 in the room as well. We partner up since the class requires partners, then we sit against the wall and watch everyone else tie. @Beemo feeds me a chip and pets me and tells me i'm a good puppy.
The class slot ends and i'm still looking for something to do. I know i shouldn't be alone. @Mister_Sean's interrogation class is scheduled next door. It's a difficult class to sit though, and i know because i've attended it before, but i don't think it will be an issue. I know what's coming and feel i'm prepared. I meet up with @lizardhappy and we sit together. @Mister_Sean gives me a shout out for one of his rules and i forget my anxiety and fangirl out for a moment. It feels good. @Tigerlilly_Purrs is the demo bottom. She suffers beautifully. I've let my sadist push me as far as needing aftercare for a class, but that is nothing compared to this. I'm sitting literally in the splash zone, but my own anguish is forgotten watching her. I eat my sandwich. Then, at the end of the class, @Mister_Sean starts taking volunteers for water boarding. Excuse me, water boarding? This wasn't part of the class last time i sat in ...Sadist had mentioned his interest in doing that to me at some future time as well. Several times. You've got to be kidding me. I look at @lizardhappy "...i should leave" but i don't. Because i'm incapable of making a good decision for myself. I watch at least 5 people get water boarded. It doesn't seem so bad from the outside. I wonder what its like under the cloth. I bet it's awful.
I leave the class worried. I should find people. I wander over to the boot blacking station and muse around for a moment. I'd like my suspenders conditioned. While i'm waiting for my turn i wander upstairs to the lobby and spot @IrisEnchanted @CurtisMercury and @MurphyBlue sitting around the couches. I take a seat on the floor and ask @CurtisMercury if i can put my head on his knee. He puts his boot on my thigh and i relax, sort of puppying out. @Irisenchanted shows me her new toy. It's a lollypop. Eventually i go back downstairs and get my suspenders conditioned and hang out with Daddy , @CupcakeNarcotic @DragonEmrys and @TheFingerbangKid for a little while. Sadist texts me and tells me to meet him in the lobby in 20 minutes.
I owe Daddy a drink so we go upstairs to the bar. He gets a gin and tonic and we chill out. "You'll be fine Babydoll, text me when you're done so I know you're alright?" I nod "Yes Daddy.. I'll text you." I'm not making eye contact with him. I'm constantly looking around the bar, sadist might sneak up on me to scare me. I see him and one of his other play partners, @Bedsquid coming and feel an unsettling combination of relief and anxiety. We aren't doing the drowning first, i tell myself. A few times, it sort of starts to settle in. We get to do blood play. And some of it will be his blood. We've never done blood play with blood from him before, it's always been mine. He had a few ideas for a photos and i was all to happy to oblige him on them. I'll always use my skills for a combination of sexy evil. "How are you doing?" I don't look at him. He picks up my chin and gives me a hug. "You'll be fine." Fine. That word... I don't even know what to do with it anymore. Fine has become this term in an alien language i no longer understand. A language in a world where no one is trying to drown me in a bathtub. That world no longer exists.
"I need to grab dinner. Would you like to join @Bedsquid and I?" I nod my head. I'm not hungry at all, my appetite has been gone for hours but being around him is comforting. @Bedsquid gives me a hug and looks at me like i'm doomed. I am doomed. She thanks me for being his partner, at least there is someone else to get subjected to his horrible ideas. I'd asked him if he'd ever drowned anyone before, no, i get to be the first one.
We end up back at the Corner Bakery and grab food. Not long after, sadist and i start making our way over to my hotel room. I'm trying to calm down. We get in the room and start prepping for the first image we planned on. I'd wanted to redo an old avatar shot of mine, it doesn't take much time at all. We laugh a lot, i have him act as a stand in model so i can mess with the camera settings. Sadist isn't a photographer but he does shoot me a lot and does a good job. Those pictures are fantastic but i don't think they'll ever see the light of day beyond my eyes.
I'm so turned on, and so scared. He comes over to me and we sit on the bed. I'm worried about where i'll be when we're done. I'm absolutely convinced that i will be in a bad place, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm worried i won't be able to be sexual when at that point either. He has a great track record for having me explore things i'm terrified of that i really end up liking. I'm either going to like drowning, or i'm going to be putting it back on my hard limits list, the one he actually mostly listens to, or something.
Now, for his blood play scene. He wanted a few shots of blood dripping out of his mouth. "You can stick me if you'd like" we're set up and ready to go, with a clean area a dirty area and plenty of chux. "No, i'd rather watch you stick yourself." I get a weird kind of sick pleasure at watching him cause himself pain. I'll take what i can get, after all, it's going to get bad for me later. I glove up and help supply him. I watch the needle piece the skin on his left arm and the blood flow into the bag. There's a pretty good amount of it. He pumps his fist and i take off the tourniquet. After a moment or two the blood flow starts to slow down and i grab him a piece of gauze. He has me grab his set of vampire teeth. "My life partner thought it would be hot if it's sort of a vampire related shoot." You know what, that works, a lot. Let's do it!" He puts on the sharp false canines.
I re-glove and grab a coffee stirrer out of a packet for him to use as a straw. Once he has everything i remove my gloves and grab the camera. I'm trying to stay in work mode as i watch him take the first sip of his own blood. Fuck that's hot. "It's still warm." I wonder what it would be like to kiss with a mouth full of blood. I bat the thought away. Shoot damnit. If we don't hurry it'll coagulate. I watch his eyes roll back as he takes another measure, this time letting some of it drip down his mouth and down his chest. My pussy is wet again. Fuck can i really be turned on? He's about to stick needles in me and then drown me. "All i can smell is pussy.." i look at him, pretty ashamed. He smiles. We progress with a few more pictures and eventually i put the camera down. He hops in the shower and cleans off and we review the images. They are hot.
I'm anxious again. He sits next to me and puts his arm around me. I'm scared and turned on again. I pull the mental image of him blissing out with a mouth full of blood. All i smell is pussy. Does this thing ever turn off? The energy is intense. I'm going to get needles shoved in my skin and drowned in a tub. Why am i turned on? What is even going on here. I let go of the negativity and bite on him a little. I need something; contact, sex, something. We wrestle around a little, naked. It's hot. He tells me what a worthless whore i am while he uses me and i love it.
I lay down on top of a chuk on the bed, floating from an orgasm. We decide on 18gauge, since i'm clearly not paying attention. "What do you think, 10?" "10 18s? I don't know if i can take that, can we go until i say stop?" "No. Give me a number." "8. 8 needles." There's your number. He grabs the skin on my chest above my right breast quite high. I wince. The area has been prepped, he can stick me whenever he feels like it. I don't want to watch the needles, the angle i have to hold my head at is uncomfortable. I breathe though the insertion as he slides the first one into my skin. He almost always triple sticks the needles and buries the tip in me. Every poke the needle gets duller and it hurts more and more. By the fourth needle i'm a crying mess. There are four more needles. Six go in horizontally. The next four go in, somehow. He grabs the other two to make it the original ten. I cower away, whimpering. "Where do you think you're going?" I stop moving around. He slides the second to last needle in vertically under the others. I'm sobbing. The pain is intense. Normally we play with much smaller needles, 25g, 22g. The puts the 10th needle in and i need a moment.
"Can you sit up?" "I think so.." I'm not looking forward to trying. I know the needles will shift and i'll be in more pain. I can already feel the endorphins flooding my system. I feel floaty. I struggle to sit up and he helps me off the bed. We walk to the bathroom and he sits me down in the tub. I sit down facing him, shoulders slouched, looking up at him and then down at the needles. I see the tips of the vertical ones have slid back under my skin, they were exposed before i got up. Fuck. He grabs the hub of one of the vertical ones and pulls one out. It hurts. He removes the second one. "Now the fun can begin." I look up at him. He told me he found out an even more painful way to remove needles. I know what's coming. I'm so worked up when he grabs the next hub that i flinch roughly backwards and rip the needle out of myself. I yell and he laughs. "That sucked, didn't it? And I didn't even do it!" My vision is red. I huddle down in the tub, blood starts dripping down my chest. It's warm. I work my way though the pain and he grabs another hub and twists it out of me. A good number of the rest of the needles are removed in this same rough manor. I'm crying. My tears are mixing with my own blood on the floor of the bathroom, that's hot, i think to myself. I'm turned on. There are points i relish in the pain. I know i was smiling and laughing at some point, the rush was incredible. I want him to use me but that isn't the next thing on the list and the order of operations is very important. The next needle, the last needle he begins to slide out, and every time he pulls the tip back into my skin he moves it down a few millimeters and pushes it back through. It's agony. The tip gets duller each time. He does it at least four times before removing the needle entirely and sticking it in our sharps bin. They're all out. More blood drips down my chest onto my breasts and thighs. I like the way it feels.
He sits here with me, watching me bleed and we mutually enjoy the blood. Eventually it dries and coagulates. "Time to get cleaned up?" "I look up at him. I can stay here, in this cold empty tub. That's fine. Because if the tub is dry than he can't drown me in it. Flawless logic. "Come on." He helps me up and goes to turn on the shower. "PLEASE NOT COLD!" i grab his wrist with my left hand as he goes to turn on the water. He looks down at my hand "There had better not be blood on your palm." I release my grip immediately. Luckily earlier in the scene i had checked both my palms for blood to see if it was safe for me to touch anything. I was fine but in the moment i completely forgot. After my panic i show him my clean palm. He loves making me go into shock, and uses cold showers on me often. I don't think i can handle it right now. I whimper. "The water will be warm, here, you can control the temperature." I make the water as hot as i can stand it and clean off the blood. I call him back in to check me and make sure i'm clean and have stopped bleeding. He goes out to prep something and i stand staring at the shower knob knowing bad things will happen when i shut off the water.
I struggle to gain the nerve to turn off the water. I can feel myself tearing up. I think it took about five minutes to work up the nerve. I need to shut it off. He's going to drown me. I need to turn off the water. I watch my hand reach out and shut off the water. It's like something else is controlling it. The air stays warm for a little while. I don't move to get out of the shower. I told him i wouldn't fight him to get in the tub and if i'm already in it, well... That's half the battle isn't it? I'm facing outside. He comes back into the bathroom and looks at me. "How are you doing?" I don't say anything, or if i do i don't remember. He goes to turn on the water and makes it warm, but he doesn't turn on the shower or stop up the tub. I watch the water start to slowly fill the bottom of the tub. I cower away from him. He reaches out and puts his hands on either side of my face, letting me lean against him. He looks into my eyes watching for the panic. I hate how turned on i am. The tub seems to take an eternity to fill. I'm staring at the water, wide eyed. It's clear and warm and rising on my ankles.
"Sit down." The instruction is clear and simple. I shake my head no. I don't want to. "You can sit down, and do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way." I whimper. I know what the hard way is. It involves ice. "Please don't..Please.." I'm not fighting the panic anymore. The time for that is done. He's naked. I know he's getting in the tub with me. That was something i'd asked for. Having him be close to me would make it easier for me to deal with what was going to happen. "Sit down." He looks me in the eye and my knees buckle. I sit down in the tub. I'm shaking. It's cold but the water is warm and soothing. The water is still running but the sound is peaceful and calming. He instructs me to lay down with my head towards the back of the tub. "Don't hit your foot on the faucet if you start struggling around. That will fucking suck." I make a mental note of it. I don't need a broken toe. I mentally acknowledge the irony of the man who is about to drown me telling me to be careful. I shake my head.
He has me lay back and i comply. I'm afraid, but not as terrified as i think i should be. He climbs into the tub with me and straddles me. His legs on either side of my hips. I'm propped up on my elbows to keep myself out of the water. My cheek is against his leg. I'm still shaking. He takes his hands and moves my face away from his leg. "Are you ready?" "Nn..n...no." I'm not ready, i don't know if i'll ever be ready. "We're going to start slow, remember?" I vaguely recall the conversation.. "10 seconds. You can hold your breath for 10 seconds, I know you can. Take a deep breath. Count in your head." I'm not ready when he covers my mouth with his hand and pinches my nose with the other. I struggle and sputter and waters gets up my nose, i rush back up for air. More shaking. "Let's try again. Let me know when you're ready." I take a moment to breathe and take a deep breath. He pushes my face under. The water comes up over my face and nose and the world goes quiet, just like he said. The water is warm. The filling of the tub is a low din in the background. I open my eyes under water and look up at him. I have no idea what he sees, i lost count at 3. He lets me up easily and i take another breath.
"20 seconds." That's too many. "15?" "20." "15.." "How about 17?" "15." I'm pretty adamant. "Alright, 15 seconds. Take a deep breath." I feel his hands back over my nose and mouth and i go under again. I grip his forearms with my hands but i don't struggle much. I can't count, i just wait for him to let me back up, and he does. We keep going through 25 seconds. He had turned off the water, the tub slowly drains but i know we aren't done. The going slowly part is over. He pulls me back up and tells me to take a deep breath. I don't even get a word in before he plunges me back down. There is no counting, there is no known time i've got to be down there. I struggle against him, i want to breathe. I barely miss his face with a flailing hand. I look up at him from under the water. The water burns my eyes.. DC has really chlorinated water i think. I blink. I'm back under. The time between each dunk is shrinking. I barely have any time to let the water run off my face and nose so i don't aspirate or inhale it while taking the next breath. I swallow some.
He turns the water back on, this time it's cool. I don't like it. He can't cover my face effectively with the water level where it is at. I feel the temperature change from my legs and ass work up my body, it never really gets to my face. I'm pleased that he's sitting in the cold water with me. Suffer, asshole. I think. He isn't suffering. He takes cold showers because he likes them. I conveniently forget about that.
I don't know how many times he shoved me under. I barely remember speaking at all. The whole scene becomes a blur of muffled noise, wetness and air. I'm so turned on and i hate it. I loathe myself, feeling this way. I love the way my body feels as it struggles against his. Like an anchor sitting on top of me. I absolutely can not throw him in this position, and i wouldn't try. Maybe that is why my mind went there, to a place where it was OK to be sexual. He checks in on me periodically. I see his face, cold and calculating looking down at me, blurry from under the water when i do happen to open my eyes and look up. I wonder what he is thinking. I know this isn't sexual for him. We've called it 'serial killer' play.
At some point i mistime my breathing and water rushes into my mouth, thankfully only my mouth. One of the few pieces of advice i had received prior to ...agreeing to do this was do NOT breathe in through your nose. I cough and sputter getting just enough air and he shoves me under again. After that, he lets me back up and looks into my eyes. "Have you had enough?" "Yes" speaking is difficult. I'm in a weird place. The tub is still draining. I can't remember him getting off me but eventually he pulls me out of the water and the tub and dries me off. I'm shaking. Once i'm mostly dry he takes me back over to the bed where i collapse against him and cry.
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