*Note: This post is 7 months old, and about DOFusion17 *
Fusion is a blur for me. A blur of emotions, almost all of them in the positive category. This is the first event I have felt present at, in a long time. The car accident last July did a number on me, that year anniversary is coming up and I will not be 100% back to my old self. Fusion was a lot of realizing what my new normal is, and my health problems seem to continue to grow, and some days that's ok, and other days it's crushing, and all of that is also ok.
I was distracted, for camp. I spent weeks, even a couple months prepping everything for myself and Silver (@SilverTonugedOne if you want to friend him), and assisting with general Compound things and buying supplies and trying to be a helpful, if not distracted dog. I didn't know until the Thursday 2 weeks before camp that Silver was 100% coming to Fusion. I wouldn't let myself get my hopes up, because I've been there before, hoping with my heart of hearts that a partner would attend this event with me and time and time again I'm left holding an empty bag of promises and "next times" and it's never worked for me. I'd given up on finding someone who wanted to come to an event with me.
But then he registered. We were in my room, he surprised me with a visit (I think, this one was unplanned, but my memory is faulty and I can't remember specifically) but it was a Thursday and one of the last days to register before the final extension, and he registered. I handed him my laptop so he could take care of all the final details and I could make sure he'd submitted all necessary information. Then the page popped up with his reg ID # and it was official. This human, I'd been calling Daddy, and enjoying the company of, was coming to Fusion.
I went into full service mode. Buying all necessary items for two people to tent, if I was missing them. Grocery lists, food prep, organizing meal plan info, sending money, packing, organizing, making sure I sent Him the list of things he'd need to bring, making sure I packed everything else we would need. Part of my service to him was making sure everything was taken care of, so he would not have to do anything on his way up. It was exhausting, but I was happy. I wanted to show him all of this. Silver is new to the public kink scene. I wanted to show him what a dedicated service-dog-submissive-fuck-toy could do, honestly,I wanted to impress him and show him how much his attendance meant to me.
I spent a few days at camp without him, and I wish I remembered more of them. I know I spent a lot of time running around and hanging out with people. I know I went swimming with people, and ate food with people. And slept in my cabin bed next to my bro-fag, and it was great. I wore my shiba kigu when I was cold, and it rained a little bit. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday-day were all my own adventures. I went to vending with @Capysara and we got amazing stuffed animals. I was gifted leather, a pair of black suede chaps that were @Kiwisarus's fathers' and by a stroke of luck actually fit me.
I fought off brain weasels from the night before Silver got here, they were saying things like "He won't like you when he finds out you really are this weird." And other unhelpful, self deprecating things that weren't true. I tamped them down into my brain.
"Have we ever talked about that fact that I sometimes wear ... non-feminine clothes?" I texted him Thursday. I'm sometimes pretty queer. And I have a really hard time bringing together my gender identity sometimes, and It's something I'm very self conscious about, especially when dating cis-dudes. So I chatted with him, and explained it. He gave me the best answer "Do what makes you feel good, do you think you look hot? Wear it. Do your friends think you look hot? FUCKING WEAR IT. I can't wait to see you." And with that I frolicked off to reg when he arrived. I greeted him at registration wearing super queer clothing, a bra, panties he could cut off of me, my chest harness and my brand new (to me) leather chaps. He still liked me. I was a queerio, wearing lots of leather, and he liked me.
We went off to the tent to frolic, cut off my panties, and get fucked.
I found what I needed at camp, and that was to be happy and feel valued and loved. Silver came to camp to be with me. And while I know I wasn't very social outside of CBC, I really, really needed exactly what I got.
I tried new things! I've never identified as a switch. But at Fusion.. I topped Silver and we had an amazing time. It's a huge deal to me to be able to be sexually available and toppy. It was just so different, and fun, and good. We talked about more things I could do to him in the future and I am fucking excited.
Huge thank you to @Hypnox for bringing me my hitachi that I dropped off the floating table...
We were outside for most of the event. We got to sleep under the stars, I pulled the rain fly down from the tent because the weather was so nice. Silver loves rain and thunderstorms. After Fusion'12, I've got some storm anxiety. It rained Thursday night into Friday morning. "Cuddle up with me, and if you're really scared, wake me up. I'll keep you safe." I looked at him, questioningly. I wanted to believe him. That night, with the rain fly up the rain started and got heavier and heavier. I curled unto him under the blankets and several times I woke him up because I was afraid. I woke him up because I was afraid, and that was ok. He cuddled me and I fell back asleep and would start the cycle over again some time later. He woke up in the morning on Friday to go back into work, and left me beaming in the tent. I went about my day waiting for him to return that evening.
We did so many things. I loved being able to be tour guide, and hydration top, and service provider. We fucked in so many places I lost count, and it's seriously blending together. I asked him to help me parse everything back into order, but I wanted to get some writing out before I forgot anything else.
I held space for people who needed it. I helped with errands and tasks. I found lost treasures for people I treasure. I was told over, and over "You look so happy." "I can't remember the last time I saw you this happy." Every time the darkness creeps in I can force it away because I have outside validation for the happiness I feel inside.
I loved serving him. Drinks, food, cigars, cock sucking. Anything I could do, I eagerly did for him. It felt so right. I faltered, I had moments where I was in too much pain to provide service. He understood and helped me with what I needed. I would get sleepy, and be unable to bounce back, and we would go to bed. The brain weasels would get out of their cages and start to mess with things. "Your brain tells you lies" is something we came up with to keep them at bay.
Cigars Boots & Chocolate, my love. You were incredible. Everyone worked together to make this event a smashing success. I love CBC and will push myself to the ends of my limits to please my attendees and provide the best service I can.
At every opportunity, Silver surprised me with his attention to detail and creativity. I loved playing with him, pissing on the ground while making intense eye contact with him, begging for (insert sexy thing here). Dirty talking him in the tent. Getting fucked in public. Getting fucked in my little black dress at CBC as he bent me over the table. I loved ACTUALLY PLAYING AT CAMP. It's... been a long time for me for anything other than one off scenes.
I did push myself too far. I peopled too hard at CBC, and was feeling the aftermath of the effects as Silver, Sir Ron C, Elle and myself tore down. I couldn't get the pack out kit packed and closed and repacked it more than once to get everything to fit. I couldn't remember where things were. Silver asked me for some items after the party and I cried because I couldn't remember where I put them and felt like an absolute failure as a service person. He bent over backwards to help make me feel better. I told him all I wanted was just a few minutes with him, alone, to count my spoons and see if I could find any extra. He wanted to go down to Rumspringa, and I'd spent so much of the weekend fucking him senseless I wanted him to be able to socialize. I just needed to get into the place where I wanted to be around other people, even amazing friends of mine. It took a lot more fussing than I ever wanted to be able to get into that place. Part of it was that I knew it was Sunday night and didn't want to knowledge that camp would be over soon and he would leave, and everyone else would leave and we'd go back into the muggle world and pretend we aren't perverts anymore.
I got extra time with him in the morning. We both slept through both his alarms. I saw him off, like a good dog. I helped the Compound do tare down, and pack out. I visited friends. I said my goodbyes. And I can't wait for the next camp.
I my add more to this, or edit it later. It's long, but the detail will help me remember things. #braininjuries
Comments
Post a Comment