Skip to main content

Where did all the love go?

* Note: This post is actually about 7 months old * 
I've looked everywhere. In my drawers, under the bed, in the closet. In my car. My backpack. It's no where to be found, my extra love.
Sure I love people in my life, a lot of them. I'm blessed enough to have found a group of amazing, incredible, resilient, supportive people. But... I'm not polyamorous. I've tried, I've had good poly relationships, I've been in them, dated poly people, I've taught classes, etc. But right now in my current place in life, that is not for me.
That's not a slight against poly people in my life, I will always admire you and how you handle things, but for me, for now, I think I want mostly monogamy. Certainly emotionally, probably physically. I'm still hammering that one out. How that ends up will be after a long discussion with Silver. We currently, intentionally, don't have labels on what we're doing, which leaves me a free agent to do as I wish.
If I've been skirting plans for making play dates. This is why.
If I haven't been sending back sexy pictures. This is why.
If I haven't been responding enthuiastically to dirty texts. This is why.
If my texts/calls have been less sexually charged. This is why.
I wanted to be poly. And do everything right. And be good. But when it comes down to it, I don't think I was very happy. I had a lot of negative experiences that I don't know how to talk about, especially here, because talking about them would out my ex's and their partners for doing things, or behaving poorly, or just generally being...shitty. It wasn't all bad. I spent 6+ years of my life doing it, I wouldn't have kept it up if it were all bad. My memories might be tainted, concussions can do some shit, but I remember a lot of negatives. I remember a lot of anxiety. I remember a lot of tears.
I just ... I miss being able to pour so much of myself into another person. I miss the energy exchange in return, of being truly loved. And for the future, that doesn't include polyamory for me.
I can't control other people. I can only control myself and hold myself to certain expectations. I have too much baggage and jealously that I'm dealing with. It's something I struggle with often. My trust has been harmed enough that I thought I had lost my ability to find comparison. Luckily, it's not dead. But it takes so much energy to force myself to be compersive, that it isn't worth it. My medical shit leaves me low on spoons to deal with it, so it's off the table.
I'm not a very feelsey-rich person. I'm feels-poor. I want to spend most of my feels and emotional energy spoons (romantically) on one person for now.
Maybe in the future things will change? But I've been thinking about this for the last year and my feels have stayed pretty similar. I want to be a one-person-dog.
I will still be doing some play with others, and you can absolutely still ask. Just be aware the answer may be no, and it has nothing to do with you. <3 p="">

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Looking for a place to start? Try some of these sites

I've either used or heard of all of these sites. Explications and success rates below. Listed in alphabetical order for.. fairness, yeah. [ Adult Friend Finder ] I can't suggest this website to anyone in my experience. I signed up for an account to get an accurate representation of what the site was like and if you are a free member, literally, every other button you push asks you to upgrade.  The website itself is terribly put together and the layout makes almost no sense. The site has several overlapping features and siging up for an AFF profile also gives you a profile of another type that I was never asked about when signing up. I put links to my Fetlife and SLS accounts and they froze my profile. Long review short - I'd take your time and your money elsewhere. [ Craigslist ] Very very hit or miss. Mostly miss for me, but once again if you know what to look for you'll do well enough. There is a lot of bots, a lot of spam and a lot of people with absolutely n...
Post a Comment
Read more

KateHarding.net's "Guest Blogger Starling: Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced"

I found this article some months ago and was recently reintroduced to it. My last entry had to do with women related things, let's focus on what goes on inside the brains of us very lovey ladies and woman-identified peoples.  The full original article can be found here on KateHarding.net and I recommend every single person that comes to my blog go over there and read it (or read excerpts here). Gentlemen. Thank you for reading. Let me start out by assuring you that I understand you are a good sort of person. You are kind to children and animals. You respect the elderly. You donate to charity. You tell jokes without laughing at your own punchlines. You respect women. You like women. In fact, you would really like to have a mutually respectful and loving sexual relationship with a woman. Unfortunately, you don’t yet know that woman—she isn’t working with you, nor have you been introduced through mutual friends or drawn to the same activities. So you must look fur...
2 comments
Read more

Boots, Boot-Blacking, Boot-play, and when is a scene, a scene?

Boot play and blacking is something that is relatively new to me. I understand that as something that is new, and something that is generally done as a service, it may be difficult to tell whether or not what i'm doing is a scene, or a service. When i am doing a boot scene, i would prefer not to be interrupted. I did a scene last night with Daddy where i blacked his (vintage) brand new boots and kept having people approach me to talk. My feelings weren't hurt, but i would like to make a few clarifications on when i would like to be left to enjoy the leather that i'm into. I am complete and utter boot slut, please let me enjoy that. I've put together a few guidelines that will hopefully make it easy for someone to tell if trying to talk to me is a good idea. If you are ever in doubt, just wait 'till i'm done. If my mouth is on leather, leave me alone. This includes everything from a simple kiss to full on tongue-out-sloppy-drippy-boot-worship.  If boots ar...
Post a Comment
Read more