Where did all the love go?

* Note: This post is actually about 7 months old * 

I've looked everywhere. In my drawers, under the bed, in the closet. In my car. My backpack. It's no where to be found, my extra love.

Sure I love people in my life, a lot of them. I'm blessed enough to have found a group of amazing, incredible, resilient, supportive people. But... I'm not polyamorous. I've tried, I've had good poly relationships, I've been in them, dated poly people, I've taught classes, etc. But right now in my current place in life, that is not for me.

That's not a slight against poly people in my life, I will always admire you and how you handle things, but for me, for now, I think I want mostly monogamy. Certainly emotionally, probably physically. I'm still hammering that one out. How that ends up will be after a long discussion with Silver. We currently, intentionally, don't have labels on what we're doing, which leaves me a free agent to do as I wish.

If I've been skirting plans for making play dates. This is why.
If I haven't been sending back sexy pictures. This is why.
If I haven't been responding enthuiastically to dirty texts. This is why.
If my texts/calls have been less sexually charged. This is why.

I wanted to be poly. And do everything right. And be good. But when it comes down to it, I don't think I was very happy. I had a lot of negative experiences that I don't know how to talk about, especially here, because talking about them would out my ex's and their partners for doing things, or behaving poorly, or just generally being...shitty. It wasn't all bad. I spent 6+ years of my life doing it, I wouldn't have kept it up if it were all bad. My memories might be tainted, concussions can do some shit, but I remember a lot of negatives. I remember a lot of anxiety. I remember a lot of tears.

I just ... I miss being able to pour so much of myself into another person. I miss the energy exchange in return, of being truly loved. And for the future, that doesn't include polyamory for me.

I can't control other people. I can only control myself and hold myself to certain expectations. I have too much baggage and jealously that I'm dealing with. It's something I struggle with often. My trust has been harmed enough that I thought I had lost my ability to find comparison. Luckily, it's not dead. But it takes so much energy to force myself to be compersive, that it isn't worth it. My medical shit leaves me low on spoons to deal with it, so it's off the table.

I'm not a very feelsey-rich person. I'm feels-poor. I want to spend most of my feels and emotional energy spoons (romantically) on one person for now.

Maybe in the future things will change? But I've been thinking about this for the last year and my feels have stayed pretty similar. I want to be a one-person-dog.

I will still be doing some play with others, and you can absolutely still ask. Just be aware the answer may be no, and it has nothing to do with you. <3 p="">