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A Note on the Importance of Communication in Relationships

As someone in a poly relationship, i hear all the time about how important communication and honesty is. It's beaten into our heads over and over again. "Problem? Talk about it." Sure, it makes sense, it's logical, it's what people should do. So then, why do people have such a hard time being honest?

I'm going to say this very plainly. The truth is always better than a lie.

As far as i'm concerned anyway. Just be honest, especially with your friends. This isn't always about romantic relationships, poly or otherwise. Friendships, play partnerships, they're all types of relationships.

Don't want to hang out? Awesome. Say so. Don't make excuses. I get that people are busy, or have things to do, or are feeling not too social that day.

Don't want to fuck? Awesome. Say so. Don't leave me wondering if i'm some sort of sexual predator because you say that you want to get intimate and because I trust you, I believe your words. But you meant no the entire time.

Don't want to date? Awesome. Say so. Don't make excuses about how "you don't want to hurt me." I can handle that pain. What i can't handle is wondering why i'm not good enough for you. Is it my looks? My hair? Please don't make me doubt myself. Don't lead me on.

Don't want to play today? Awesome. Say so. Don't leave me wondering or hoping.

Don't cancel play dates without a good fucking reason. That includes no call/no show. It hurts. If someone cares about you enough to want to spend time with you, at least do them the favor of sending a call or a text.

Communicate. Please. Seriously.

Failures and lapses in communication cause people serious problems. If more people just spoke calmly and collectively about their needs and desires, we could overcome a lot of things. Even slow progress is still progress.

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Comments

  1. AnonymousSeptember 12, 2012 at 1:42 AM

    Yes. This. Period.

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousSeptember 14, 2012 at 12:45 AM

    Have you had problems with this? How do you overcome it? How can I make the communication better!?!?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AnonymousSeptember 16, 2012 at 11:25 PM

      *raises hand* As one who constantly has problems communicating my wants, needs, and desires, the only advice I can give is this: stop thinking about it. I often find myself thinking myself into corners, so afraid of phrasing things "the wrong way" that I end up saying nothing at all. To defeat this I must actively shut down my inner monologue and let my mouth take over.

      In a healthy relationship one can voice every opinion, want, need, and desire with a loving partner. Use this as a strong base from which to start conversations, and then be that same loving partner in return. Actively listen to and process the responses given. Work together, and use non-attacking phrases. Take "you always" and "you never" out of your lexicon, and instead use "I would like less of" or "I would like more of". Give reasons.

      Above all, remember that nobody can read minds. Not you, not your partner, and not the blogger or columnist of whom you ask advice. What you do not voice cannot be addressed. If speaking directly is too difficult, start with a different medium. Try email, or writing what you want to say and reading from that aloud.

      Best of luck!

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      Delete

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