As a cis-female who has played the online dating game for a while, i feel like i can say with certainty that there are some serious pitfalls that some people fall into when trying to find a partner(s).
Straight guys, this is for you. If you're looking for a partner online via; OKCupid, AdultFriendFinder, Fetlife, Match.com or any other community site or dating site, you may at least want to pretend you've read this. Or, read it for real and glean information and get results. Like real results that find you awesome people.
Step 1. Read profiles.
Seriously. Read profiles.
Step 2. Read profiles.
I needed to say it again.
Step 3. Read the profile again.
Maybe even a 5th time.
Step 4. Messaging
Identify people that stand out to you by reading profiles. Tailor individually made messages of appropriate length. I would say 2-10 sentences is enough. Don't spend eons on a message and then get heartbroken when you don't hear back from "her."
Let me in on a little secret about how *dating* websites work. Dating sites have a disproportionate number of men using them, compared to women or other gender options. Men tend to make a form email and copy/paste it to every person he thinks is attractive. This bird-shot approach is NOT effective and it is frustrating to the people you are sending these messages to because, believe it or not, we KNOW when you're doing it.
Sending a copypasta message tells us this: "Hi, I'm only interested in you because you're hot or because I think we should fuck." What nice, simple witty thought out messages say are "Hi, I've read your profile and I thought you were interesting because of X. OR; I've spent some time trying to educate myself about you or your interests and think we have X and Y in common, maybe we can hang out sometime."
The *real* message a thought out email/note/message sends is this: "I care enough to put forth a small amount of effort to get to know another person. This separates me from other people and makes me cool. It also instantly lowers my creepy factor."
Step 5. Don't be a dick.
Seriously. See the "well thought out message" thing in step 4? Things that **don't** qualify as well thought out messages include things of the following nature;
* Down to fuck
* Talking about your genitals in the first message
* Showing pictures of your genitals
* Talking about the kind of sex you want to have
* Elaborate fetish or sex fantasy scenes
Step 6. Handling rejection.
So you just authored a really cool email and were really kind of pumped about this person. They either A. Don't message back at all. or B. Decline your offer for dinner/drinks/chatting/whatever.
A really *really* important part of online (and hell, real life) dating is handling rejection gracefully. It sucks, i know, believe me. But handling this tactfully will make it better. Exploding or yelling or starting a name calling or insult contest with someone who just said "Thanks but no thanks" to you is a super dick move (see step 5). Don't become bitter. Attraction goes both ways, if this person isn't into you, delete the email and move on.
Step 7 Your Profile
So, remember points 1-3? If potential interested parties can't get any information about you, how are they going to know anything about you? Fill out your profile All the sections, with more than one comment. If your profile is on Fetlife (which by nature is NOT a dating website) fill in your roles or curiosities. Unsure is an option if you aren't sure.
Avoid the common pitfalls... "I'm bad at filling these things out." "I don't know what to put here." "Just message me to find out info." Those things say either "I'm lazy." Or "I'm not taking this seriously."
Pictures. Put them up. I can see not wanting a face pic on Fetlife if your job or family is an issue (and for some people it seriously is). But you can block out your face or crop it out. Make them *recent. and full body* You're going to get judged by your pictures, just like the people you're messaging are going to be judged by theirs. I've met with people who used their wedding pictures in their profile. From 8 years and 200ish pounds ago. Not cool. And unless you're on an adult website, please keep the pics tasteful. Have a friend snap a few nice cell phone pics outside and email them to you. No excuses.
---
More coming later!
Straight guys, this is for you. If you're looking for a partner online via; OKCupid, AdultFriendFinder, Fetlife, Match.com or any other community site or dating site, you may at least want to pretend you've read this. Or, read it for real and glean information and get results. Like real results that find you awesome people.
Step 1. Read profiles.
Seriously. Read profiles.
Step 2. Read profiles.
I needed to say it again.
Step 3. Read the profile again.
Maybe even a 5th time.
Step 4. Messaging
Identify people that stand out to you by reading profiles. Tailor individually made messages of appropriate length. I would say 2-10 sentences is enough. Don't spend eons on a message and then get heartbroken when you don't hear back from "her."
Let me in on a little secret about how *dating* websites work. Dating sites have a disproportionate number of men using them, compared to women or other gender options. Men tend to make a form email and copy/paste it to every person he thinks is attractive. This bird-shot approach is NOT effective and it is frustrating to the people you are sending these messages to because, believe it or not, we KNOW when you're doing it.
Sending a copypasta message tells us this: "Hi, I'm only interested in you because you're hot or because I think we should fuck." What nice, simple witty thought out messages say are "Hi, I've read your profile and I thought you were interesting because of X. OR; I've spent some time trying to educate myself about you or your interests and think we have X and Y in common, maybe we can hang out sometime."
The *real* message a thought out email/note/message sends is this: "I care enough to put forth a small amount of effort to get to know another person. This separates me from other people and makes me cool. It also instantly lowers my creepy factor."
Step 5. Don't be a dick.
Seriously. See the "well thought out message" thing in step 4? Things that **don't** qualify as well thought out messages include things of the following nature;
* Down to fuck
* Talking about your genitals in the first message
* Showing pictures of your genitals
* Talking about the kind of sex you want to have
* Elaborate fetish or sex fantasy scenes
Step 6. Handling rejection.
So you just authored a really cool email and were really kind of pumped about this person. They either A. Don't message back at all. or B. Decline your offer for dinner/drinks/chatting/whatever.
A really *really* important part of online (and hell, real life) dating is handling rejection gracefully. It sucks, i know, believe me. But handling this tactfully will make it better. Exploding or yelling or starting a name calling or insult contest with someone who just said "Thanks but no thanks" to you is a super dick move (see step 5). Don't become bitter. Attraction goes both ways, if this person isn't into you, delete the email and move on.
Step 7 Your Profile
So, remember points 1-3? If potential interested parties can't get any information about you, how are they going to know anything about you? Fill out your profile All the sections, with more than one comment. If your profile is on Fetlife (which by nature is NOT a dating website) fill in your roles or curiosities. Unsure is an option if you aren't sure.
Avoid the common pitfalls... "I'm bad at filling these things out." "I don't know what to put here." "Just message me to find out info." Those things say either "I'm lazy." Or "I'm not taking this seriously."
Pictures. Put them up. I can see not wanting a face pic on Fetlife if your job or family is an issue (and for some people it seriously is). But you can block out your face or crop it out. Make them *recent. and full body* You're going to get judged by your pictures, just like the people you're messaging are going to be judged by theirs. I've met with people who used their wedding pictures in their profile. From 8 years and 200ish pounds ago. Not cool. And unless you're on an adult website, please keep the pics tasteful. Have a friend snap a few nice cell phone pics outside and email them to you. No excuses.
---
More coming later!
Comments
Post a Comment