Five people have told me "But I thought you'd like it!" In their own defense after they violated my consent, or had done something in play that we did not discuss.
I'll speak about different things that have happened to me over the course of my involvement in the BDSM/Kink lifestyle. I've been active in the scene for about 4 years.
I'm leaving the locations and names private so that I can cross post this to fettle. Feel free to PM me for the fet names of who these people were, except 2. I never got their fet name.
The first time I ever encountered someone who did something non-consensually to me, I was at a public dungeon party at (now defunct but renamed) venue. I was negotiating a knife scene with someone I had never played with before, and part of our negotiation was them asking me the question "Are you ok with knives around your pussy?" I was, and informed them that I was fine with knives near my crotch. During this scene, this person took the opportunity to start rubbing my clitoris with their hand. At this point I asked them what they thought they were doing because we hadn't discussed any sexual contact at all. I never told this person that manual stimulation on my clit is a hard limit because we never discussed any sexual contact. I didn't think this was something that needed to be brought up at all. I quickly ended the scene, forwent any aftercare and went back to my primary partner. I told him what happened and he was not happy. A short while later, I watched the same person who had touched me in a way I did not consent to, almost sexually assault someone else I knew. If another person had not stepped in and stopped that scene when they did, I have zero doubts that that encounter would have ended in anything other than rape.
After these incidents, I found out I was not the first, second or third person that this person had tried to push boundaries on.
The second encounter I had was at (now defunct but different and rebuilding) venue. I had been watching a scene that made me uncomfortable so I left the area it was being held in. On my way out I ran into someone I'd never met before and started talking to them. They were cute, and sort of award, but nice. We started talking about maybe doing a rope suspension scene. As we talked more and walked around looking for a space to do some rope, I became uneasy with the idea of a full suspension, and asked if we could just do floor work or maybe partial suspension instead. They said that was fine. We discussed hard limits and I said nothing sexual/no penetration or kissing. They asked about touching my breasts and playing with them and I said that was fine, but please don't cause pain to my nipples, they're really sore and sensitive lately.
We're tying and generally having a good time. I'm in a kneeling position in front of this person and to get me out of the kneel they grab me by the nipples and hike me up. I looked them in the face and said "I said not to be mean to my nipples, what was that?" At this point I'm tied in a TK and can't move my arms because they are tied behind me. The person I was playing with told me they forgot my limit and apologized. This actually happened again. They hiked me up by my nipples to get me out of a kneeling position. IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE. My consent was violated twice in a room full of people. Many of whom i knew. At this point I was no longer comfortable interacting with this person but was tied up in their rope. By sheer coincidence, a friend of mine who had asked me to watch one of their scenes was having a scene. I told the person I was playing with "Oh, shit I completely forgot I have to watch **** do something, I'm going to go watch." And walked off, with their rope still on me. I waited until the scene I was watching was done and went back to the person to instruct them to take their rope off of me. I feigned tingly fingers for an excuse as to why we weren't playing anymore. They took their rope and I never heard from them again.
Instance three. At another (different and defunct) venue, I was doing a scene with someone I knew relatively well. They were a partner to one of my partners' partners, and we hung out often enough through other mutual friends and get-togethers. We had expressed interest in getting slightly sexual, through relatively safe contact; manual stimulation and some rope. I explained how it was extremely difficult for me to orgasm with manual contact and that if we wanted to do this, a hitachi would be required. Given my hands were bound, my partner was going to have to hold the hitachi, this is not usually something I allow, and explained that. My clit is very particular and it's really just easier for everyone if I generally keep a hold on my own vibrators.
Anyway, I'm tied up, my legs are frog legged and my arms are in a TK. We're really getting into what we're doing. And surprisingly, I'm about to actually orgasm which for me was a big deal. I said something about being about to orgasm, at that point, my partner takes my hitachi away. This ruins pretty much everything for me. Orgasm control and denial is something I only do with people I'm in power exchange dynamics with. I asked them what they thought they were doing. "Oh I need to get going." Really. REALLY? They untied me, I got no offer of aftercare and they were on their way. I was fucking seething. How dare someone fuck with my orgasms without even asking. This person knew me relitively well. They knew me well enough that I'd talked about orgasms. In that moment, they didn't care. I only spoke to this person very casually after this incident.
Instance four. I had a new sexual partner over. I thought that we were pretty sexually compatible. We'd spent a lot of time flirting and I was really eager to have a good time with a new person sexually. I took the time to explain that orgasm control and denial was NOT ok with me and that is was completely casual, vanilla sex. NO D/s elements, no kink elements past some general pain and wrestling around while fucking. This person agreed.
Anyway, we're having a good time, I'm riding this person and am about to orgasm and... Shocker. They take my fucking hitachi out of my hand. And before I got violent (because we DISCUSSED this). I asked them what the hell they thought they were doing "Oh I thought it'd be funny." I got off of their parts and put my clothes back on. We sat in the front room of my apartment until their ride got here. I could not WAIT for this person to leave fast enough. We have an extremely superficial interaction now. I say hi when I see them at events. Maybe they've learned not to do this to other people? I don't really care. All I know is that they are no longer welcome in my bed and in my life.
This seems to be a trend. There are other instances of partners just being shitty, sexually that I'm not even mentioning here. But there is a marked trend for me and interacting with others sexually where they feel like my orgasms are legitimate orgasms? Or orgasms worth having? I really don't understand this. And it needs to stop.
Other people speaking out about their things have made me wanted to speak about mine. I may edit this and add more later, I understand that it's long.
I'll speak about different things that have happened to me over the course of my involvement in the BDSM/Kink lifestyle. I've been active in the scene for about 4 years.
I'm leaving the locations and names private so that I can cross post this to fettle. Feel free to PM me for the fet names of who these people were, except 2. I never got their fet name.
The first time I ever encountered someone who did something non-consensually to me, I was at a public dungeon party at (now defunct but renamed) venue. I was negotiating a knife scene with someone I had never played with before, and part of our negotiation was them asking me the question "Are you ok with knives around your pussy?" I was, and informed them that I was fine with knives near my crotch. During this scene, this person took the opportunity to start rubbing my clitoris with their hand. At this point I asked them what they thought they were doing because we hadn't discussed any sexual contact at all. I never told this person that manual stimulation on my clit is a hard limit because we never discussed any sexual contact. I didn't think this was something that needed to be brought up at all. I quickly ended the scene, forwent any aftercare and went back to my primary partner. I told him what happened and he was not happy. A short while later, I watched the same person who had touched me in a way I did not consent to, almost sexually assault someone else I knew. If another person had not stepped in and stopped that scene when they did, I have zero doubts that that encounter would have ended in anything other than rape.
After these incidents, I found out I was not the first, second or third person that this person had tried to push boundaries on.
The second encounter I had was at (now defunct but different and rebuilding) venue. I had been watching a scene that made me uncomfortable so I left the area it was being held in. On my way out I ran into someone I'd never met before and started talking to them. They were cute, and sort of award, but nice. We started talking about maybe doing a rope suspension scene. As we talked more and walked around looking for a space to do some rope, I became uneasy with the idea of a full suspension, and asked if we could just do floor work or maybe partial suspension instead. They said that was fine. We discussed hard limits and I said nothing sexual/no penetration or kissing. They asked about touching my breasts and playing with them and I said that was fine, but please don't cause pain to my nipples, they're really sore and sensitive lately.
We're tying and generally having a good time. I'm in a kneeling position in front of this person and to get me out of the kneel they grab me by the nipples and hike me up. I looked them in the face and said "I said not to be mean to my nipples, what was that?" At this point I'm tied in a TK and can't move my arms because they are tied behind me. The person I was playing with told me they forgot my limit and apologized. This actually happened again. They hiked me up by my nipples to get me out of a kneeling position. IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE. My consent was violated twice in a room full of people. Many of whom i knew. At this point I was no longer comfortable interacting with this person but was tied up in their rope. By sheer coincidence, a friend of mine who had asked me to watch one of their scenes was having a scene. I told the person I was playing with "Oh, shit I completely forgot I have to watch **** do something, I'm going to go watch." And walked off, with their rope still on me. I waited until the scene I was watching was done and went back to the person to instruct them to take their rope off of me. I feigned tingly fingers for an excuse as to why we weren't playing anymore. They took their rope and I never heard from them again.
Instance three. At another (different and defunct) venue, I was doing a scene with someone I knew relatively well. They were a partner to one of my partners' partners, and we hung out often enough through other mutual friends and get-togethers. We had expressed interest in getting slightly sexual, through relatively safe contact; manual stimulation and some rope. I explained how it was extremely difficult for me to orgasm with manual contact and that if we wanted to do this, a hitachi would be required. Given my hands were bound, my partner was going to have to hold the hitachi, this is not usually something I allow, and explained that. My clit is very particular and it's really just easier for everyone if I generally keep a hold on my own vibrators.
Anyway, I'm tied up, my legs are frog legged and my arms are in a TK. We're really getting into what we're doing. And surprisingly, I'm about to actually orgasm which for me was a big deal. I said something about being about to orgasm, at that point, my partner takes my hitachi away. This ruins pretty much everything for me. Orgasm control and denial is something I only do with people I'm in power exchange dynamics with. I asked them what they thought they were doing. "Oh I need to get going." Really. REALLY? They untied me, I got no offer of aftercare and they were on their way. I was fucking seething. How dare someone fuck with my orgasms without even asking. This person knew me relitively well. They knew me well enough that I'd talked about orgasms. In that moment, they didn't care. I only spoke to this person very casually after this incident.
Instance four. I had a new sexual partner over. I thought that we were pretty sexually compatible. We'd spent a lot of time flirting and I was really eager to have a good time with a new person sexually. I took the time to explain that orgasm control and denial was NOT ok with me and that is was completely casual, vanilla sex. NO D/s elements, no kink elements past some general pain and wrestling around while fucking. This person agreed.
Anyway, we're having a good time, I'm riding this person and am about to orgasm and... Shocker. They take my fucking hitachi out of my hand. And before I got violent (because we DISCUSSED this). I asked them what the hell they thought they were doing "Oh I thought it'd be funny." I got off of their parts and put my clothes back on. We sat in the front room of my apartment until their ride got here. I could not WAIT for this person to leave fast enough. We have an extremely superficial interaction now. I say hi when I see them at events. Maybe they've learned not to do this to other people? I don't really care. All I know is that they are no longer welcome in my bed and in my life.
This seems to be a trend. There are other instances of partners just being shitty, sexually that I'm not even mentioning here. But there is a marked trend for me and interacting with others sexually where they feel like my orgasms are legitimate orgasms? Or orgasms worth having? I really don't understand this. And it needs to stop.
Other people speaking out about their things have made me wanted to speak about mine. I may edit this and add more later, I understand that it's long.
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