How to not get a positive response: Actual email version.

Once upon the time, on the internet, I had a profile up on one of the many BDSM "looking for" sites. And the below is what someone thought would be even remotely appropriate to send to me.

Let's see if we can't play creeper bingo.

I actually think this dude read my profile, at least enough to see that I have a vagina, like things put in it, and am interested in a D/s relationship. Apparently to him anyone looking for D/s means M/s, because of the amount of times he refers to slaves. Fun fact bro, I'm not a slave. I'm not planning on being a slave, and sending emails like this to people is grounds to get horrible things done to your nads.

My brain liquified and started seeping out my noise while I was reading this.

I've left the message intact in it's appearance, formatting included. I just removed his initial at the end.

PRO TIP: TREAT PEOPLE LIKE PEOPLE, AND NOT FETISH DELIVERY SYSTEMS. AND YOUR SHIT MIGHT TURN OUT BETTER. YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY.

#barf

Bravo lady! Talk about having a head on your shoulders! Before we begin anything, I have to disclose that I am also in a relationship of sorts, it is a M/s dynamic. We intend for selective open, but we have not crossed the rubicon yet. Before anything could progress, that would be a full clemency between all partners. I have had things go poorly in the past, another party omitted for lust. Naughty little thing. That may take time. Gives us time to get to know one another. I do not believe in deception or omission. slave will know of my intention and invention shortly *grin* Either way, that stated, I would love to discuss terms, if not as an immediate, as a curiosity of compatibility. From what I have read, you are my mirror image. My yin. Due to the extremity of what we both desire, neither of us should beat around the bush, or have anything less than total trust. AGREED!!! You can be raped and murdered, I can go to jail for thirty years, so yes, negotiation is an imperative, trust as well. Yes, I am aware that terms should be negotiated. The negotiation, regardless of ultimate intention, should be done as equals, if only for the moment, until trust and compatibility are established. Even if we are not a good fit for the dynamic, I would love to get to know you as a friend. You have a very unique mind. A blunt sincerity. Very valuable. Very rare. My slave would love you. There are few enough players who shoot for something so involved as bleeding all over a plastic sheet. .grin. Not so long ago, I had to dexter the apartment after a blood caning, so much fun, SOOOOOO much mess. Apparently, forensically clean apartments are my specialty lol. To be fair, I opted out of clubs for the most part. Every so often we go out. We prefer hosting private gatherings, or going to private and more exclusive parties with vetting. LESS DRAMA!!! Thank the gods!!! I like your scenario of it being full time, but severe and absolute when we are together. It sounds fucking wonderful. All the benefits of day of slavery, none of the complications of owning day to day. A breath of fresh air lol. Jking. I am joking, owning is a joy. A complete joy, even when there is complication, or emotional duress in her life. It is just another reason to be on top of my shit. So, as far as not being full time, I love it. Talking here and there throughout the week, friendly, just checking in, that would matter. So, when it is on, it is on... All this equals shit, gets put away and the kid gloves come off. Understood? I say it, you do it. Once there is trust established, there should be no reason for you to question an order, or if you do, no reason I should not put you to your knees and have you lick my boot and get in worship. My orders will never negate your health, or well being. They may compromise your morale on occasion, but that is half the point. No? As far as expectations with play, when you mention your specifics my mind races with potential. My experiences and my desires lean towards the extreme, and I do have the knowledge to back it up and ultimately ensure safety. Asphyxiation; bagging, hands, cords, belts, rubber tubing, waterboarding, knife play (surgical perfection, I leave the scar I intend, sometimes artistic, sometimes no scar at all; my preference, with your agreement, case by case.) Bull whips, yes you will do it, and you will like it ROFL. I have been using them since my teens, my misses are no more than 3 inches, and never near a vital organ. I will bleed you! Caning, no limits. You take what I give you, you thank me, maybe ask for more, if I am not to tired. Needle play... I love needles. S'jambok... full throttle! Flogging, eh.. it can be fun. But none of that sensual shit. I prefer chain to rope. shackles and manacles to leather. collar and lead, outfits; I pick em, you wear em! Marionetting/ puppeteering (my invention; or so I think... taught bondage, tippy toed, little wiggle room at the torso and legs, then your skewered at pressure points to provoke a sort of dancing response. Full body domination at it's best.) I can do surgical stitches and would love to keep you quiet, here and there.. Or ensure chastity for a few days, at least in one hole (evil grin,) Psychological domination, fear tactics, behavior modification through long term exposure to stimuli = ME!!! Never tell me your fears, or your fantasies, I will warp them into something abysmal you could never have fathomed. Boot camp style exercise, I will scream and kick, and push you to your absolute limit. Interrogation 'roleplay' and what you did you do with your week slave? Are you sure? Nothing your missing? Nothing to admit? Begin torture, elicit the truth I want to hear, continue torture for the shits and giggles of it. No right answer. Poor you! I have been wanting to do more with prods, stun guns, electrical play in general, but is my slaves only hard limit. Wooooe is me, right? lol. I am dreadful with rope. No shibari, nothing pretty, just impossible to get out of. rape play, and involved kidknapping scenes (if desirable.) Physical domination... You do what I make you do. Whether it be throwing you to the ground and doing controlled kicks before anal penetration, or jerking your collar to kiss you, it will be abrupt, unpredictable, and undeniable. And often. Pressure points, I know many, and I love using them. Even if just cuddling, you will be poked, prodded, and explored. Fisting and large insertion, without training. So much more enjoyable that way. Plenty of lube, but ruin a good fuck hole through regular use? Out door play (woods and derlict buildings, cemeteries too.) Subtle public play with the vanillas. Just enough to get us off, but not enough to alarm the authorities. lol. Fuck that noise. So much more. I have my check list. If things progress, we will go over it, it will take hours. It will be done in one sitting. Grr lol. Damned standards and practices. lol. Oh, I do like video. I am considering hosting a porn site. Anyone who calls themselves my slave will likely be working for me at some point (VERY negotiable; if you don't want your face scene, I will put a full hood on you.) Video consent pre and post play is imperative and not optional. During play is negotiable. If we do go out, perfect service and adherence to all orders. If I play with another, you assist. Bring toys, clean toys, provide after care, so I don't have to be sweet. lol. I don't like clubs. I barely do them. If I do, you will be on your very best behavior, or I will take the time to correct any sidetracking from the plan and the protocols agreed to. Sexual service, no denying me. Don't bother. It will always be painful. I do not make love, I cannot stay up if I wanted too. I prefer anal and brutal face fucking, you will be used in that way often. Generally, I do pleasure as a reward for good service. Only for above and beyond. So, if you are looking for someone who is going to compromise what he prefers, thats not me. Straight forward. Not in the mood, too bad. In pain from the last time, too bad. A little more pain never killed anyone. Short of a legitimate medical reason, I expect service. If that is agreeable, then that works for me. You can cry, you can beg for mercy, on occasion, I may actually give it. Don't expect it. If I have friends over and I know they are clean and have seen their paper work, you will serve in all propensities, as ordered, directed, or expected. If they are that close to me, they deserve your service. I will not put you in harms way, ever. I do not do casual acquaintances. If they are close to me, they will be good to you, and good for you (service with others is negotiable, but desirable.) Domestic servitude. If this goes well, you will assist in keeping things tidy, and ensuring my comfort, as a slave should. It will likely be at my slaves apt, or soon to be townhome. You two will work together, that is my hope. Serve together. Be as sisters in service, naughty sisters, but sisters nonetheless. It should be that uncomplicated, I imagine. It is time. : ) We've been discussing doing more with others, more and more so. We wanted to go solo for a while. No intention of permanent mahogany (I refuse to say the word.) It was our desire (my idea) to breed solidarity, trust, communication, before adding others into the mix. I think we may be there. I will consult her. I don't order that one. We discuss it. I just happen to get more say lol. At some point, I intend on a poly household, Me, another Dom/ Domme, or two, and several slaves. It will be a five year goal. Something with land and privacy. That is my hope. That is why I will consider doing dirty things online with the people I care for lol. Provide something beautiful and peaceful and lasting. There is always more... that is a good beginning. I am do not compromise, I do consider. If we are not a good match, we'll determine that and proceed as either friends, or as people who once talked. Catch and release. I wish you the best your search. I think you are a marvel. I think I would enjoy owning you a great deal. I hope you will respond. ~ [Dude]

This is why we can't have nice things.