I know i've addressed this before, but this is the new topic of
interest flying around the fetlife, so i figured i would address it. I
know i have other things i need to write about (hello Charm City Fetish
Fair) but i'll get to those next week.
Lets talk about safe words. We'll start with a basic definition. A "safe word" is a word or phrase than when said in the context of a BDSM scene, will stop the scene. This can be something general like "red" or it can be something that would not generally come up in the context of a scene ie "fruit basket" "platypus" or "Fluggaenkoecchicebolsen." Words like "no" "stop" and "oh fuck" are poor choices for safe words, as they are generally uttered during scenes anyway.
In theory they sound like a great idea. Of course safe words have their place in the context of BDSM. The problem with them is twofold. 1. Safe wording can be seen as a "cop out" for some bottoms or tops. A lot of bottoms (submissives, or slaves, etc) feel that safe wording can and will effect the ability or want of another person to play with them in the future "oh you safe worded on me last time we played, now I don't know if we should play again." That is the context and a serious fear of many bottoms. "If I safe word, I'm not good enough to take what I'm being given and no one will want to play with me."
The second problem is a person being unable to safe word. I am intimately familiar with this phenomenon. When i get into subspace, i tend to get non verbal. The harder i am pushed, the less verbal i get until i just don't speak in anything other than screams, growls, crying, biting or suffering (suffering is a language, shut up. Don't judge me). If i am speaking, i am not in subspace, therefor i will not be able to take as much as i usually would, and i have to keep conscious track of where my brain and thoughts are so i CAN keep speaking. This means i am not enjoying the scene as much as i would like to.*
*It's ok, really, we can play harder once we get to know each other.
So, now that we understand the problems, what do we do to get around them and work through them? For the first problem, i am so, so sorry that some bottoms even feel this way. I have redded out of scenes several times and i've never felt "not good enough" as a bottom because of it. Safe wording is communication. What a sub/bottom/slave/whatever can handle changes every day. Fuck, it changes several times a day. If i'm fucking amped and ready for a scene i feel like i can take on the world. If i'm anxious or have had a bad day at work, i might not be able to take as much (hello microshear at Fusion12...).
Here are some things you can do to help keep you safe:
Safe "scale" : My favorite safe scale is the green/yellow/red/black system. Lets break down each of the words.
Safe actions
Sometimes, the bottom is gagged and speaking is difficult. This is where safe actions come in. Often the bottom holds something in their hands they can drop or jingle to get a Tops attention specifically. Bandannas or scarves, keys, ping pong balls and bells are all good items for this and most of them can be found right at home. Another great solution is the "tap out" method. If your hands or mouth are free, you can use your hand to "tap tap" like in wrestling. If your hands are pinned, but your mouth is free, saying "tap tap" is sort of like yellowing, it'll allow for some adjustment and a check-in period.
I rarely play with safe words anymore. I prefer an ongoing stream of communication and playing with the people that know me best. Of course getting to know a play partner that well is not a short journey. I played very rough recently with someone i've known a while but have only played with on a couple of occasions. We kept the play reasonably safe by doing the following things:
Lets talk about safe words. We'll start with a basic definition. A "safe word" is a word or phrase than when said in the context of a BDSM scene, will stop the scene. This can be something general like "red" or it can be something that would not generally come up in the context of a scene ie "fruit basket" "platypus" or "Fluggaenkoecchicebolsen." Words like "no" "stop" and "oh fuck" are poor choices for safe words, as they are generally uttered during scenes anyway.
In theory they sound like a great idea. Of course safe words have their place in the context of BDSM. The problem with them is twofold. 1. Safe wording can be seen as a "cop out" for some bottoms or tops. A lot of bottoms (submissives, or slaves, etc) feel that safe wording can and will effect the ability or want of another person to play with them in the future "oh you safe worded on me last time we played, now I don't know if we should play again." That is the context and a serious fear of many bottoms. "If I safe word, I'm not good enough to take what I'm being given and no one will want to play with me."
The second problem is a person being unable to safe word. I am intimately familiar with this phenomenon. When i get into subspace, i tend to get non verbal. The harder i am pushed, the less verbal i get until i just don't speak in anything other than screams, growls, crying, biting or suffering (suffering is a language, shut up. Don't judge me). If i am speaking, i am not in subspace, therefor i will not be able to take as much as i usually would, and i have to keep conscious track of where my brain and thoughts are so i CAN keep speaking. This means i am not enjoying the scene as much as i would like to.*
*It's ok, really, we can play harder once we get to know each other.
So, now that we understand the problems, what do we do to get around them and work through them? For the first problem, i am so, so sorry that some bottoms even feel this way. I have redded out of scenes several times and i've never felt "not good enough" as a bottom because of it. Safe wording is communication. What a sub/bottom/slave/whatever can handle changes every day. Fuck, it changes several times a day. If i'm fucking amped and ready for a scene i feel like i can take on the world. If i'm anxious or have had a bad day at work, i might not be able to take as much (hello microshear at Fusion12...).
Here are some things you can do to help keep you safe:
Safe "scale" : My favorite safe scale is the green/yellow/red/black system. Lets break down each of the words.
- Green: Everything is A-OK!
- Yellow: Hey, you're doing something, and I'm fine, but if you keep doing that I might say something/we might need to stop or pause/wow I really need a drink.
- Red: Wow, whatever you are doing is not working/too much for me and we should stop. Please check in with me.
- Black: ABORT ABORT. Something is very wrong/I'm upset/I'm unsettled, please stop play right now.
Safe actions
Sometimes, the bottom is gagged and speaking is difficult. This is where safe actions come in. Often the bottom holds something in their hands they can drop or jingle to get a Tops attention specifically. Bandannas or scarves, keys, ping pong balls and bells are all good items for this and most of them can be found right at home. Another great solution is the "tap out" method. If your hands or mouth are free, you can use your hand to "tap tap" like in wrestling. If your hands are pinned, but your mouth is free, saying "tap tap" is sort of like yellowing, it'll allow for some adjustment and a check-in period.
I rarely play with safe words anymore. I prefer an ongoing stream of communication and playing with the people that know me best. Of course getting to know a play partner that well is not a short journey. I played very rough recently with someone i've known a while but have only played with on a couple of occasions. We kept the play reasonably safe by doing the following things:
- My top kept me talking, they checked in with me frequently, made me laugh and would get me up or move me around a bit.
- They actually asked me how i was doing. "Can you take more?" "Do you want to continue?" "What did you think when I did X?" This line of questioning allowed me to give them feedback on how i liked or didn't like the play and what i could handle.
- We negotiated the scene before getting into it. "What can you handle today?" "What kind of play are you looking for?" "How do you feel about punching/rough body play?" "Is this OK?" etc.
- I also could question them on their preferences during the scene "Is it OK if i bite you during the scene, but not go as far as drawing blood?" "What about scratching/clawing?" etc.
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