I'm a masochist. That term seems to create a lot of confusion for people, although i'm not exactly sure why. Masochism is in our acronym; BDSM. Bondage. Domination. Sadism. Masochism. It's right there. It's a readily available label in our list of labels on Fetlife (the same can't be said for other labels i'm fond of, like three-hole-fucktoy). So why is it so hard to understand what a masochist is when this term specifically is everywhere?
A masochist commonly defined as a person who gets pleasure from pain. There are varying types of masochism, like physical masochism, sexual masochism and emotional masochism. But they all stem from the same time; pain leads to pleasure.
I'm often asked "You're a masochist, right? So if I hurt you, you'll cum from it?" And the answer, to their surprise is always no. I don't orgasm from pain. It's just not how my sexual response cycle works. I eventually get pleasure from pain sensation, but i still feel pain as pain. Let that sink in. I feel pain as pain. Left for a moment to process, that pain then gives me a pleasurable sensation. Watch me get kicked, or brutalized or slapped in the face. Once the stinging or punching sensation dissipates, it is replaced with something that feels good. Something that goes from wherever the stimulus is to my brain and my cunt, or just my cunt (there is a reason it's name is Judas). I might smile, or laugh or cry or sit in silence, grimacing while i process, but i'll be getting wet. I'll be getting worked up. Outright pain will cause this reaction. Discomfort will cause this reaction. Discomfort over an extended period of time will cause this reaction. Discomfort and pain not related to a scene will cause this. If i hit my elbow on my desk at work, it turns me on. If i stub my toe, it turns me on. My life gets pretty weird sometimes. My problems are clearly not other peoples problems.
It's taken me a long time to accept my label. I recently changed my label ID on fetlife, from submissive to masochist. I need pain or degradation to climax during sex. It's what i think about when i want to be aroused. Both of those are types of masochism for me. Physical or emotional. I'm having a hard time focusing on being submissive without an outlet for it. I've been active in the scene for over three years and have yet to form a fulfilling official D/s connection with another person. Not for lack of trying but we all know how that goes. I think focusing on this part of me, the one that is the loudest in my head will be more fulfilling in the long run.
My ability to take pain is directly related to the connection of the person i'm playing with. I don't do very intense play with new people, it's just not a good idea for me and how i operate. But for those i have an intense trust and connection with, they can take me to places i've never considered, places i never necessarily wanted to go before we talked about them.
I do something i refer to as "hard limit play" with a select few people. These are people i trust. People with whom i am intimate with. People who understand who i am, and how i operate. They know my needs and my wants and they know how to coax me and push me. I know to trust them, in some cases implicitly. We know each others aftercare needs. We negotiate. We discuss safety.
Hard limit play is a type of masochism for me. It hits the place in me that revels in emotional masochism. A lot of it hits fear, vulnerability. It's a type of edge play. And i really do hate calling it "play." Once something puts me in that space, it isn't play. It may not even be fun, or arousing. It's an ordeal. Something, on some level i'm willing to go through, usually for the sake of another. My drowning is a prime example of this, but so are a few other things. The way my dynamics are structured, my partners have some leeway in doing hard limit type play with me. There is a careful balance and a lot of consideration and conversation that goes into these things. Lynk talked about drowning me for over a year until i finally stopped protesting. I hesitate to say i actually consented because i never said "ok, drown me" but when you have a level of implied consent, and i said "i won't fight you to get in the tub..." that's about as much consent as i'll give in that type of situation. At the time of the scene, drowning was still on my hard limit list. Now i love it. I've described drowning as my happy place.
I like being prey. I like being a victim. Hard limit play can get me there.
I don't expect people to understand this, or even really give any fucks. This is my play, and who i choose to do it with is really only my business and my partners business. But you may see me doing hard limit play. Anything that involves fire is a hard limit for me, but you may see me doing fire play with Mr_Fox, because he's just about the only person on the planet i'm comfortable doing it with. I want to give him the ability to push me in that way, so we do it. You may see my trainer fist me (or maybe not, who knows) and that's also a hard limit.
I'd at least like to be able to open the door towards having a conversation where people can talk about their hard limits and engaging them. I'm very privileged in my area to be able to do a lot of the types of play i enjoy. Most of them qualify as edge play. I can't do that i every location. But in Maryland we have spaces, parties and groups that encourage you to play the way you want to play.
My tumblr has given at least one person the ability to be more comfortable with the types of play they like. My discussions on masochism and pain have given other people the support and network they are looking for, to know they aren't alone. To the people out there, like me, reading this; you aren't alone. And the way you play may make others uncomfortable, but it's yours. Own it. Love it. It's you. Explore comfortably with those you trust. It's what i'm doing now. I've never felt more fulfilled or loved.
A masochist commonly defined as a person who gets pleasure from pain. There are varying types of masochism, like physical masochism, sexual masochism and emotional masochism. But they all stem from the same time; pain leads to pleasure.
I'm often asked "You're a masochist, right? So if I hurt you, you'll cum from it?" And the answer, to their surprise is always no. I don't orgasm from pain. It's just not how my sexual response cycle works. I eventually get pleasure from pain sensation, but i still feel pain as pain. Let that sink in. I feel pain as pain. Left for a moment to process, that pain then gives me a pleasurable sensation. Watch me get kicked, or brutalized or slapped in the face. Once the stinging or punching sensation dissipates, it is replaced with something that feels good. Something that goes from wherever the stimulus is to my brain and my cunt, or just my cunt (there is a reason it's name is Judas). I might smile, or laugh or cry or sit in silence, grimacing while i process, but i'll be getting wet. I'll be getting worked up. Outright pain will cause this reaction. Discomfort will cause this reaction. Discomfort over an extended period of time will cause this reaction. Discomfort and pain not related to a scene will cause this. If i hit my elbow on my desk at work, it turns me on. If i stub my toe, it turns me on. My life gets pretty weird sometimes. My problems are clearly not other peoples problems.
It's taken me a long time to accept my label. I recently changed my label ID on fetlife, from submissive to masochist. I need pain or degradation to climax during sex. It's what i think about when i want to be aroused. Both of those are types of masochism for me. Physical or emotional. I'm having a hard time focusing on being submissive without an outlet for it. I've been active in the scene for over three years and have yet to form a fulfilling official D/s connection with another person. Not for lack of trying but we all know how that goes. I think focusing on this part of me, the one that is the loudest in my head will be more fulfilling in the long run.
My ability to take pain is directly related to the connection of the person i'm playing with. I don't do very intense play with new people, it's just not a good idea for me and how i operate. But for those i have an intense trust and connection with, they can take me to places i've never considered, places i never necessarily wanted to go before we talked about them.
I do something i refer to as "hard limit play" with a select few people. These are people i trust. People with whom i am intimate with. People who understand who i am, and how i operate. They know my needs and my wants and they know how to coax me and push me. I know to trust them, in some cases implicitly. We know each others aftercare needs. We negotiate. We discuss safety.
Hard limit play is a type of masochism for me. It hits the place in me that revels in emotional masochism. A lot of it hits fear, vulnerability. It's a type of edge play. And i really do hate calling it "play." Once something puts me in that space, it isn't play. It may not even be fun, or arousing. It's an ordeal. Something, on some level i'm willing to go through, usually for the sake of another. My drowning is a prime example of this, but so are a few other things. The way my dynamics are structured, my partners have some leeway in doing hard limit type play with me. There is a careful balance and a lot of consideration and conversation that goes into these things. Lynk talked about drowning me for over a year until i finally stopped protesting. I hesitate to say i actually consented because i never said "ok, drown me" but when you have a level of implied consent, and i said "i won't fight you to get in the tub..." that's about as much consent as i'll give in that type of situation. At the time of the scene, drowning was still on my hard limit list. Now i love it. I've described drowning as my happy place.
I like being prey. I like being a victim. Hard limit play can get me there.
I don't expect people to understand this, or even really give any fucks. This is my play, and who i choose to do it with is really only my business and my partners business. But you may see me doing hard limit play. Anything that involves fire is a hard limit for me, but you may see me doing fire play with Mr_Fox, because he's just about the only person on the planet i'm comfortable doing it with. I want to give him the ability to push me in that way, so we do it. You may see my trainer fist me (or maybe not, who knows) and that's also a hard limit.
I'd at least like to be able to open the door towards having a conversation where people can talk about their hard limits and engaging them. I'm very privileged in my area to be able to do a lot of the types of play i enjoy. Most of them qualify as edge play. I can't do that i every location. But in Maryland we have spaces, parties and groups that encourage you to play the way you want to play.
My tumblr has given at least one person the ability to be more comfortable with the types of play they like. My discussions on masochism and pain have given other people the support and network they are looking for, to know they aren't alone. To the people out there, like me, reading this; you aren't alone. And the way you play may make others uncomfortable, but it's yours. Own it. Love it. It's you. Explore comfortably with those you trust. It's what i'm doing now. I've never felt more fulfilled or loved.
Comments
Post a Comment