At least i didn't think i was. Because i'm not. I'm not supposed to be...
In the last couple of months, the way i play has been changing. I'm not supposed to be like this. Masochism goes against everything i understand about my existence. I'm hypersensitive. Pain has always been part of a negative reinforcement loop. "If it feels bad, don't do it." It's like the fundamental law of my universe, followed quickly by "if it feels good, do it." While the mix up in interpretation isn't new, the realization of it is.
I tend to play with partners who have a serious sadistic streak. If you would have asked me even a year ago if i could change the way i interpret sensation on this level, i would have thought you were clinically insane.
I've been flirting with the idea of masochism, mostly as a a joke because look at me, i can't handle anything. I'm a self-described pansy. Tickling is on my hard limits list because it hurts.
I had a play date with L for his birthday, it was the first time i've played since actually coming to terms with the fact that i could in fact be a masochist. It has been a progression. We've known each other for a couple of years and we've slowly built up and worked up our play styles. We were actually talking about how careful he had to be with me before, when we first started playing. That's when i realized it, i think. We had an amazing play session. There's all the things i love. And bacon. (Orgasms and bacon, i'll apparently do just about anything for orgasms and bacon). I was actually craving him to hurt me, and scare me.
I've known about my lust for fear play for a long time. But this want for pain was new. It was scary. And it was arousing. Pressing my bruises turns me on in a way i don't think i've ever felt before. This is all so new, and scary, and therefor arousing. My pussy doesn't know what to think other than it wants more. I want more.
I know that my submission is partly responsible. My drive to do whatever it takes to please my partners and tops. Slowly the play has been escalating. Not just with L, but with all of my partners. It's changing and evolving. I love it. I want more.
I was not a masochist, but i think i might be turning into one.
In the last couple of months, the way i play has been changing. I'm not supposed to be like this. Masochism goes against everything i understand about my existence. I'm hypersensitive. Pain has always been part of a negative reinforcement loop. "If it feels bad, don't do it." It's like the fundamental law of my universe, followed quickly by "if it feels good, do it." While the mix up in interpretation isn't new, the realization of it is.
I tend to play with partners who have a serious sadistic streak. If you would have asked me even a year ago if i could change the way i interpret sensation on this level, i would have thought you were clinically insane.
I've been flirting with the idea of masochism, mostly as a a joke because look at me, i can't handle anything. I'm a self-described pansy. Tickling is on my hard limits list because it hurts.
I had a play date with L for his birthday, it was the first time i've played since actually coming to terms with the fact that i could in fact be a masochist. It has been a progression. We've known each other for a couple of years and we've slowly built up and worked up our play styles. We were actually talking about how careful he had to be with me before, when we first started playing. That's when i realized it, i think. We had an amazing play session. There's all the things i love. And bacon. (Orgasms and bacon, i'll apparently do just about anything for orgasms and bacon). I was actually craving him to hurt me, and scare me.
I've known about my lust for fear play for a long time. But this want for pain was new. It was scary. And it was arousing. Pressing my bruises turns me on in a way i don't think i've ever felt before. This is all so new, and scary, and therefor arousing. My pussy doesn't know what to think other than it wants more. I want more.
I know that my submission is partly responsible. My drive to do whatever it takes to please my partners and tops. Slowly the play has been escalating. Not just with L, but with all of my partners. It's changing and evolving. I love it. I want more.
I was not a masochist, but i think i might be turning into one.
Comments
Post a Comment