Warning: You're entering an area where verbal diarrhea is located.
It's December 27th and i'm still alive. For the past two years, from November 30th through approximately December 20th i have been unable to focus. Work takes up almost all of my time (hell 22+ hours of overtime per pay period). I can't focus on any of my hobbies or friends. I've barely got time to feed the cats and clean the geckos. Their cages are all clean now, except for one food painter who needs hers cleaned again. Animals man, animals.
Getting sick absolutely sucked and i'm glad im better. Flu is no bueno. I'll be getting a flu shot soon. Maybe today! Since i'm not sick anymore and you shouldn't get vaccinated for shits when you're sick. #Immunofails.
This year has been weird. Starting around July with crazy panic attacks related to my parents and my coming out process to them. That has thankfully been an easier and better process than i could have hoped for. My parents aren't poly cheerleaders, routing for me from the sidelines and that's ok. They're supportive in their own weird ways and at the very least aren't
A. disowning me.
B. saying shit about me behind my back and or to my face.
C. trying to make me break up with my partner(s).
D. all of the above
All of those things have happened before at prior points in my weird little life.
I feel like, since mid-June, anything kink related in my life has been on hold and i am sincerely looking forward to the new year because i will have time and energy to embrace kink and fetish in my life again. I'm aware that i've been painfully absent from most public events over the last few months and the few i have attended i've been pretty ...off. Since it's gotten too cold for me to smoke cigars my last love, CBC has ended for the year (outdoors wise) and i've been relegated to indoor smoking areas for the remainder of the cold days. I'd like this better if it didn't come with so much second hand smoke... but you deal. It's hard to want to go to events when you know you're not going to be playing, or spend half the event if someone you want to play with, who you've expressed interest in playing with will find the time for you. It gets old after a while.. Really old. I'm not a pushy person. I won't ask 3-4 times in a night. It isn't my style.
Playing in private has really become something i prefer. Not because i don't love my friends and fellow kinksters, but because there are less distractions for both me and my partner(s). I know i have their (mostly) full attention and they certainly have mine. I don't need to worry about being forgotten, or being interrupted or being frustrated because someone won't get out of my aftercare. I get the kinds of aftercare and the kinds of scenes i want. Things can get heavy and i don't need to worry about the stares of forty-five people on me. I get pain. I get depravity. I get raped. And i want it.
I'm becoming less and less of an exhibitionist.
While i'm mentally on the point, can we stop the masochist shaming? Seriously. Please stop making me feel like less of a submissive because i also identify as a masochist.
I've had some interesting and some painful experiences regarding my love and romantic life. Kamm and i are on the same page, i've done hurtful things in the past few months. I'm not a perfect person, but i'm working on it. We had such a wonderful Christmas together and i like Christmas, but as an Atheist i sometimes feel like it's wasted on me.
I tried for something i've been wanting for such a long time... And i can see it'll never work out. Not for lack of trying or wanting on my end but you can't control other people, can you... Accepting this defeat and this loss is making it easier to go on in my life and focus on me and the people i know who return the feelings and sentiments, even if they aren't the kind of relationships where we say "I love you" a lot. Maybe one day i'll have another romantic partner along side Kamm. Pipe dreams. I'll keep it on the bucket list, that is what those are there for, right? Along with eating chocolate covered non-strawberry fruit in a silly hat.
Onwards to 2014.
The year where i am better, faster, stronger... Wait those are daft punk lyrics. I'll be the 6 million dollar submissive. Or i'll just be me. Slowly making steps to become a better person, partner and friend. Like you do.
It's December 27th and i'm still alive. For the past two years, from November 30th through approximately December 20th i have been unable to focus. Work takes up almost all of my time (hell 22+ hours of overtime per pay period). I can't focus on any of my hobbies or friends. I've barely got time to feed the cats and clean the geckos. Their cages are all clean now, except for one food painter who needs hers cleaned again. Animals man, animals.
Getting sick absolutely sucked and i'm glad im better. Flu is no bueno. I'll be getting a flu shot soon. Maybe today! Since i'm not sick anymore and you shouldn't get vaccinated for shits when you're sick. #Immunofails.
This year has been weird. Starting around July with crazy panic attacks related to my parents and my coming out process to them. That has thankfully been an easier and better process than i could have hoped for. My parents aren't poly cheerleaders, routing for me from the sidelines and that's ok. They're supportive in their own weird ways and at the very least aren't
A. disowning me.
B. saying shit about me behind my back and or to my face.
C. trying to make me break up with my partner(s).
D. all of the above
All of those things have happened before at prior points in my weird little life.
I feel like, since mid-June, anything kink related in my life has been on hold and i am sincerely looking forward to the new year because i will have time and energy to embrace kink and fetish in my life again. I'm aware that i've been painfully absent from most public events over the last few months and the few i have attended i've been pretty ...off. Since it's gotten too cold for me to smoke cigars my last love, CBC has ended for the year (outdoors wise) and i've been relegated to indoor smoking areas for the remainder of the cold days. I'd like this better if it didn't come with so much second hand smoke... but you deal. It's hard to want to go to events when you know you're not going to be playing, or spend half the event if someone you want to play with, who you've expressed interest in playing with will find the time for you. It gets old after a while.. Really old. I'm not a pushy person. I won't ask 3-4 times in a night. It isn't my style.
Playing in private has really become something i prefer. Not because i don't love my friends and fellow kinksters, but because there are less distractions for both me and my partner(s). I know i have their (mostly) full attention and they certainly have mine. I don't need to worry about being forgotten, or being interrupted or being frustrated because someone won't get out of my aftercare. I get the kinds of aftercare and the kinds of scenes i want. Things can get heavy and i don't need to worry about the stares of forty-five people on me. I get pain. I get depravity. I get raped. And i want it.
I'm becoming less and less of an exhibitionist.
While i'm mentally on the point, can we stop the masochist shaming? Seriously. Please stop making me feel like less of a submissive because i also identify as a masochist.
I've had some interesting and some painful experiences regarding my love and romantic life. Kamm and i are on the same page, i've done hurtful things in the past few months. I'm not a perfect person, but i'm working on it. We had such a wonderful Christmas together and i like Christmas, but as an Atheist i sometimes feel like it's wasted on me.
I tried for something i've been wanting for such a long time... And i can see it'll never work out. Not for lack of trying or wanting on my end but you can't control other people, can you... Accepting this defeat and this loss is making it easier to go on in my life and focus on me and the people i know who return the feelings and sentiments, even if they aren't the kind of relationships where we say "I love you" a lot. Maybe one day i'll have another romantic partner along side Kamm. Pipe dreams. I'll keep it on the bucket list, that is what those are there for, right? Along with eating chocolate covered non-strawberry fruit in a silly hat.
Onwards to 2014.
The year where i am better, faster, stronger... Wait those are daft punk lyrics. I'll be the 6 million dollar submissive. Or i'll just be me. Slowly making steps to become a better person, partner and friend. Like you do.
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