Warning: edge play of all varieties mentioned. If it isn't your thing, i'd suggest turning back now.
I think it's time i've accepted a few labels for myself; masochist, edge player, sick-fuck.
Sexual guilt is actually something i've never dealt with before. I've always been very "on my own terms." I lost my virginity at 17 to a boy i really loved because we decided it was a good time for us (he was a virgin too, and a year younger than me). It was a good experience and we were together for a long time but i knew it wouldn't be forever. We're still friends to this day, he's pretty cool.
I went through a "slut phase" in college because i felt like it and wanted to. My sexual partners (at the time) were all really cool about it. I had my first MFM threesome and OTHER people were so mad! How dare i let them take advantage of me! ...Excuse me? It was my fucking idea. We were sitting in a hot tub, chilling out (we may have been drinking a bit) and were talking about fantasies. Those guys were pretty cool, i know one of them put side some of his own issues to participate in that threesome for me. I ended up seeing him for a couple months, not a bad lay honestly.
I've been (not so) slowly evolving since i became involved in the BDSM scene. When i first started, i could handle barely any pain. I didn't want to. I wanted to do things that "looked pretty and didn't hurt." There's a reason the first thing i ever tried was rope. I like rope, i like different kinds of rope now. Come at me for something "pretty and decorative" and i'll look at you like you've got three heads. It isn't my thing.
I've been happily splashing away in the middle of the pool, you know the place, where you can still touch the bottom safely if you stand on your tippytoes? The place where i'm very comfortable with my kinks, even if they're a little unusual. The last 6 or so months have brought me to the deep end of the pool. I can no longer feel the bottom without diving, having to hold my breath and swim down. It's scary. I've had a lot of thoughts that haven't been entirely positive "THIS turns me on?" "Wow, this is messed up, how could that make me wet?" "Why does thinking about THAT turn me on?" Etc.
My core kink is giving up control, or having it taken from me. Everything i love seems to stem from that. Given the right people and right circumstances, i can be made to do just about anything. I have a few people in my life that are very happy to exploit that fact, and i'm only to willing to let them. That's how i was able to agree to doing any number of horrible things; live burial, mind fucks, drowning, needles, rape scenes, vomit/retching, cunt suturing, cunt stapling... Some of those haven't happened yet but they will. They will because i don't safe word to them because on some level i'm intrigued. I've certainly still got hard limits, and most of the time they're listened to (my dynamics allow for some.. uhm.. interpretation, depending on the situation).
It's a process, working through these feelings. Consensual non-consent has always been a thing for me, but lately i've been fantasizing about actual rape. That's a little unsettling, actually, it's a lot unsettling. My sadist talks about how he wants to suture my cunt shut, instead of redding out, i think about it and get really, really turned on. Did i mention that piercing my cunt for play is/was a hard limit? Guess it isn't anymore, because i've already essentially agreed to do it. No one should be that wet while debating that.
I want to be pushed. I want to suffer. I want my pain to please my partners. And i really, really want to be OK with that. I'm slowly coming around to the ideas. I do catch myself in the negative, but i calmly remind myself that i AM an adult and i am in charge of my own sexual journey and i do know how to use my safe words and negotiate scenes in ways that make me feel supported. One of the biggest factors to getting into this kind of play is the support network and aftercare i receive from my partners. That probably plays a bigger role than almost anything. I know i'm not the first person to have these feelings of discomfort about engaging in certain types of play, and i know i won't be the last. I would love to hear from anyone who has gone through this and what tips or techniques you used to help you work through these feelings.
I think it's time i've accepted a few labels for myself; masochist, edge player, sick-fuck.
Sexual guilt is actually something i've never dealt with before. I've always been very "on my own terms." I lost my virginity at 17 to a boy i really loved because we decided it was a good time for us (he was a virgin too, and a year younger than me). It was a good experience and we were together for a long time but i knew it wouldn't be forever. We're still friends to this day, he's pretty cool.
I went through a "slut phase" in college because i felt like it and wanted to. My sexual partners (at the time) were all really cool about it. I had my first MFM threesome and OTHER people were so mad! How dare i let them take advantage of me! ...Excuse me? It was my fucking idea. We were sitting in a hot tub, chilling out (we may have been drinking a bit) and were talking about fantasies. Those guys were pretty cool, i know one of them put side some of his own issues to participate in that threesome for me. I ended up seeing him for a couple months, not a bad lay honestly.
I've been (not so) slowly evolving since i became involved in the BDSM scene. When i first started, i could handle barely any pain. I didn't want to. I wanted to do things that "looked pretty and didn't hurt." There's a reason the first thing i ever tried was rope. I like rope, i like different kinds of rope now. Come at me for something "pretty and decorative" and i'll look at you like you've got three heads. It isn't my thing.
I've been happily splashing away in the middle of the pool, you know the place, where you can still touch the bottom safely if you stand on your tippytoes? The place where i'm very comfortable with my kinks, even if they're a little unusual. The last 6 or so months have brought me to the deep end of the pool. I can no longer feel the bottom without diving, having to hold my breath and swim down. It's scary. I've had a lot of thoughts that haven't been entirely positive "THIS turns me on?" "Wow, this is messed up, how could that make me wet?" "Why does thinking about THAT turn me on?" Etc.
My core kink is giving up control, or having it taken from me. Everything i love seems to stem from that. Given the right people and right circumstances, i can be made to do just about anything. I have a few people in my life that are very happy to exploit that fact, and i'm only to willing to let them. That's how i was able to agree to doing any number of horrible things; live burial, mind fucks, drowning, needles, rape scenes, vomit/retching, cunt suturing, cunt stapling... Some of those haven't happened yet but they will. They will because i don't safe word to them because on some level i'm intrigued. I've certainly still got hard limits, and most of the time they're listened to (my dynamics allow for some.. uhm.. interpretation, depending on the situation).
It's a process, working through these feelings. Consensual non-consent has always been a thing for me, but lately i've been fantasizing about actual rape. That's a little unsettling, actually, it's a lot unsettling. My sadist talks about how he wants to suture my cunt shut, instead of redding out, i think about it and get really, really turned on. Did i mention that piercing my cunt for play is/was a hard limit? Guess it isn't anymore, because i've already essentially agreed to do it. No one should be that wet while debating that.
I want to be pushed. I want to suffer. I want my pain to please my partners. And i really, really want to be OK with that. I'm slowly coming around to the ideas. I do catch myself in the negative, but i calmly remind myself that i AM an adult and i am in charge of my own sexual journey and i do know how to use my safe words and negotiate scenes in ways that make me feel supported. One of the biggest factors to getting into this kind of play is the support network and aftercare i receive from my partners. That probably plays a bigger role than almost anything. I know i'm not the first person to have these feelings of discomfort about engaging in certain types of play, and i know i won't be the last. I would love to hear from anyone who has gone through this and what tips or techniques you used to help you work through these feelings.
I am so glad to have found your blog! I am a submissive woman with many kinks. A sick fuck like you. After care, has been a huge issue for me. At one point, I was even hesitant to play because I was so scared of the drop afterwards. I look forward to reading your journey. I see a lot myself in your writing.
ReplyDeleteHi Betsy, thank you for taking the time to read my stuff :) Don't be too afraid of the drop, it's hard but it's so worth it. And it really lessens once you figure out your processing techniques and aftercare. Please let me know if you ever have any questions or anything. I absolutely love everything aftercare.
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