Successful Polyamory

I've had a lot of people, anyone from close friends to new acquaintances ask me about how Kamm and i manage a successful poly relationship. I can't help but smirk, at least on the inside because i don't consider myself successfully polyamours. SHOCKER. I know, read on, there is a good explanation. I consider myself functionally non monogamous.

This is about my relationships with non monogamy, i will try to get Kamm to write something as well. This will have a lot of me/i in it. This is because the best way for me to educate others is to talk about my experiences, things i know inside and out.

For most people, either you are open to non monogamy, or you aren't. People who are predisposed to non monogamy can make monogamous commitments and keep them, but they may not necessarily be ecstatic about it. It's about self control. This is not what this writing is about.

Basic Points;

• Non monogamy really isn't *that* much more different than monogamy, it's just more complicated. Really. It's only more complicated only because there are more people involved.
• If you wouldn't stay in a relationship or friendship "monogamously" you shouldn't stay in it just because it's poly. Toxic relationships comes in all shapes, sizes and flavors.
• Listen to your gut. It knows more about red flags than your brain. This goes for all relationships, not just poly ones.
• Communicate. Seriously. I can't say it enough. If you can not functionally express your feelings like an adult, you have no business trying to work into multiple relationships. Hell, if you're going to push your baggage off on your partner(s) do them and yourself a favor and figure your shit out before involving someone else. If swinging is a magnifier, non monogamy is a high powered microscope. Any issues, insecurities and jealousies are going to become very apparent very quick. Learning to dissect jealousy into its basic parts helps get to the root of the original problem(s).
• Don't let someone else try to shove you into a role you're uncomfortable with. Just looking to date casually? Don't let a potential partner force you into the serious relationship corner. If it's not working for you, LEAVE. There will always be someone or someones somewhere who will appreciate you and the role you wish to have the relationship play in your life.
• Understand that the extraneous relationships you form may end at some point in the future. I have a partner who eventually wants to be monogamous and "settle down" with just one girl (he is straight). At this point in our lives, the relationship he and i have works. At some point in the future, this will no longer work. Coming to terms with this before it happens will ease the situation and help you value the time you have to spend with this person while you still have the opportunity. The definition of a successful relationship does not mean staying together until someone dies. It means being together while it works. If the relationship no longer works, that does not mean it was unsuccessful. My first serious partner (well before i met Kamm) i dated for 4.5 years. The fact that we broke up did not mean our relationship failed, it worked while it worked, and when it didn't work we both explored other options. 
• Additional relationships aren't about finding a better lover than your current partner, or finding someone with a better ass, firmer tits or a bigger cock.  They are about expanding on what you already have  and experiencing something new. Each relationship i have is different and special. Each of my partners gives me a different experience (in AND out of the bedroom). Having every relationship function exactly the same as every other relationship is stifling. It doesn't allow for growth or personal satisfaction. You give something different to each of your partners too. Think about it.  Almost all of my additional relationships have some kind of D/s element to them. I'm submissive in every one, but they are not nearly the same.
• Just like the dalmatians, there are 101 ways to do non monogamy. Kamm and i have a primary partner system. Some people don't have primaries. Some people only date as a group. Some people are open to anything. Some people only date people of one type of sexual orientation or bio sex. Make your own way if you need to. There is no perfect way to poly.
• Schedule stuff. Keep time/money/other investment priories in mind and don't cancel plans with one partner to spend time with another just for the hell of it. Have a date night with each partner, make sure you get to spend the time you need together. Kamm and i's rule on the subject is "our plans first." If we schedule something, that is the plan. If we have no plans together, we are free to make time for our other partners. He has a scheduled date night with his mistress that i usually have one of my play partners over for.
•  New relationship energy is fun and exciting, but sometimes it can cloud judgement or make you act weird. Don't forget about your other partners though. They're important people in your life, make sure they know it. Little actions go a long way.

Classic "poly" red flags;

• All partners need to "love each other equally". Here's a hint; emotions don't work like this. Trying to structure an additional relationship around "amounts of love" is a recipe for failure.
• My significant other and I have a "Don't ask don' tell" policy. I have yet to find a situation where this actually works. I'm sure they exist, but proceed with caution. DADT screams insecurity on one or more partners parts. If you can't accept that your SO(s) are dating, fucking and kissing other people, maybe you should work through that before allowing them to.
• One penis policy; I see this with M/F couples. The girl wants to date other people of all sexes, but the guy isn't cool with her fucking other dues so he limits her to only women only. If this is what actually works for the couple, COOL. If it's not, avoidance is my suggestion.
• Don't entertain asshole unicorn hunters. Call them out on their shit and tell them to fuck off. I'm not even a unicorn and this stuff drives me insane.

So basically...;

• Ask questions, accept answers.
• I'm tired but i want to get this out there. I'll probably reread it and add to it. Want me to cover specific things? Ask here, i'll answer.