Big Coyote Energy

I've already started letting details slip. Not because I want to, but because my brain just isn't working properly. Literally. I now have medical documentation that states I'm essentially, on a bran function level "just kinda drunk" ALL THE TIME. And you know what, it feels like it. It's hard to concentrate. It's hard to verbalize. I have difficulty finding words or expressing myself or my feelings. It's been like that since the accident, not just camp. I actually felt some of the best I have felt since the accident, I just keep running into new problems. I essentially haven't been hungry in 5 days, which is alarming to me. You guys know how much I love food. I didn't get to play very much at camp. I also didn't feel very much like playing. The drive from PT to the grounds was absolutely exhausting. And the new trend of people arriving earlier and earlier every event is actually causing me a lot of issues. I like being one of the first ...

### A list of things that should be talked about. --- I found some words in my brain to vomit up and put on the internet. The following are my viewpoints, and my view points only. I'm concussed, so if this doesn't flow worth shit, file it under "things Ren does with a concussion." I will probably not be responding to comments in the long term. I may delete shitty off topic comments, or I might leave them and mock you, mercilessly. For transparency: I've done work for and gotten comped by DO for quite a few events. I host CBC for fusion, I boot black at Winter Fire, I have taught at previous events, I have run IONs. I have not paid to go to a DO event, short of this camp, in a hot minute. DO is my kink home and has been for a long time. I struggled for a while to figure out what to say, if anything, and how to say it, when I did figure out I wanted to talk. When you care about something, you should be honest. I care about the people who attend, my friends, ...

I just got done crying, because I got looped into an angry masturbation session, jacking it to things I shouldn't have been looking at [not a good bunch of erotica for me to read] anyway, and then needed to cum twice. I wanted to feel something other than the way I've been feeling for the past month. I should be asleep because I took the horse tranquilizer over an hour ago. It's hard. I've had "problems" for 4 weeks and I'm super fucking done with it. I can't imagine how people live like this. I'm a poor chronic pain candidate. Exceptionally poor. For those of you catching up: car accident, seatbelt failure, whiplash [pretty gnarly] and a much more severe concussion than first presented. I can generally deal with the body pain. As long as it's not whatever happened to me on a week ago. Where the pain was so bad both myself and my doctor feared I'd torn my rotator cuff entirely. I suddenly couldn't lift my right arm above my he...

The jaguar is an animal of great power and meaning to me, my guardian. That is why the jaguar is my Patronus. But when I close my eyes and look inside, there is a dog. The dog is the embodiment of who I am, what I am. It's always been that way. The dog is my loyalty, my joy, my fear, my submission. It ties into every aspect of my being, it's the way I make sense of my world. I've been wanting to write about submission and 'what it is' to me for a long time, but I've never been able to find the right words. With the dog analogy, it finally started to make sense. I have never seen myself as a slave. The biggest reason I don't identify as a slave is because at the end of the day, slaves are still human. I identify as property. What is property in the eye of the law? Animals... dogs. Dogs are property. The Owner/canine relationship really appeals to me in a way that is entirely separate from puppy play. My submission doesn't involve pretending to be a do...