Big Coyote Energy

 I was crying in my sleep again. I was crying when I woke up.  --- If you’re looking for a fun, sexy, kinky writing, this is not it. I won’t blame anyone for opting out 30 seconds or even half way through. I just.. Feel like I need to get this out, or else I’ll be doomed to keep talking about it individually (or just shutting down) with people and I don’t have the energy for that.  This is full of trauma, and parental death.  I think.. I just want people to understand why.. I’m a mess.  Or why my memory is terrible. Or why I’m in so much pain. Or why I’m so sad. Or why I’m not at X thing. Or why I’m quiet. Or why I lose time. Or forget people.  I’m gonna try a time line bullet list.. I’m NOT looking for ANY kind of suggestions for how to deal with any of this. **NO ADVICE. NONE**. I don’t even know if I’ll go re-read this or do anything past read comments once. I might even delete it. WHO KNOWS. I’m not making any promises. **Don’t PM me about it**.  -...

Hey friends, Thanks for keeping up with this blog. I really appreciate it, especially after all the short stops and long breaks in-between postings. I've been spending a lot of time making in-person connections and working on a lot of custom artwork. So that is where most of my free time has gone, as such I've been writing less than I've been drawing. Usually it's the other way around (I blame my iPad, that thing is the absolute best). I hope you still continue to check back, the itch to write comes on stronger and this blog will continue to be updated again. Most of my stuff is usually posted first to fetlife, and second back to here as an archive. I've got at least one topic I really do want to write on, which is the strength in submission. At least I've updated the favicon for the site and the logo, so there's something :) Pins are on their way, pick one up at a Cigars Boots and Chocolate event I host.

T he following text was written by @SilverTonguedOne. He sent this to me, as we talked and decompressed after a weekend of intensity shared with new friends. When I met you a year ago, you were a wounded and distrustful Coyote. Mangy because no one had groomed you in ages. Your ribs showed because your meals came as often as you could steal or scavenge something off the side of the road. Don't get me wrong, you were very friendly and loved silly games like tug of war with my boots. But you were generally sad and suspicious. You had a collar on, but it was old and faded and clearly the owner that put it on you wasn't around enough to fix it. But the one thing that was clear on the collar was the name... A year later, your hair is cleaner, longer, healthier. Your ribs don't show and you don't wolf your food anymore because you're no longer afraid each meal may be the last in a while. Your teeth are clean and healthy. You've had your shots and take your medicin...

[Originally published on 1/27/18] I.. Try to be fairly transparent in how I operate and how I interact with others. Whenever someone tries to put me on a pedestal, I usually just calmly tell them that I'm just an asshole with a cigar. I have a wide knowledge base, and a lot of experiences. I take those things and talk to other people about them, like cigar play, bootblacking or pet play. Sometimes I stop talking about certain things. Like with polyamory. I used to teach classes on poly. Since I no longer identify as poly, I feel like it's incredibly wrong of me to teach on that subject. Yes I've got a lot of experience (7+ years worth) and lots of suggestions and tips, but I don't have the emotional energy to talk about it at length with strangers. I have no passion for it, no drive. It's a subject best left to those practicing or identifying as poly. I've pulled my poly classes from my teaching list. After my long-term-partner and I broke up, I was ac...

*Note this was originally written January 2018, and was based on writings on fetlife.com at the time. *  How you can help instead of harm. A few key points to countering abuse, shitty behavior and making the scene (and the world) a better place. Discussions, writings upon writings upon writings on K&P, tears, heartfelt conversations, getting anxious on twitter (that last one is me), but what can we do to attempt to make improvements? Call out your friends. It doesn’t have to be publicly and it doesn’t have to be loudly. But if you see your friend do something shitty, or say something then. Something as simple as “Wow, that was shitty, why would you say that?” or “That wasn’t nice, you shouldn’t say that or do that to someone.” Will go a long way. It allows the group of people you’re in to also feel compelled to speak up. The bystander effect is real. When I started calling out the behavior of my relatives at holiday gatherings, shit got a lot better for everyone. And it ...

This isn't hard. I FOUND SOME READING FOR PEOPLE WHO SEEM TO BE HAVING TROUBLE UNDERSTANDING. YOU'RE WELCOME. What is racism. Why reverse racism isn't a fucking thing. But black people are racist. White privilege, you got it!* But not all white people. Let me play Devil's Advocate for a minute. If this is new to you, and if it is, that's ok, you're going to have some feelings to work through. I'm working through some of my own right now. It's ok to have feelings. It's not ok to snap at POC about how you feel you're except from the racist culture that permeates America. I'm guilty of it, you're guilty of it. We're all guilty of it. BUT, we can use our WHITE PRIVILEGE, to try to fucking do better. So let's do it, shall we? Full disclosure, I've skimmed a lot of these articles, they sum up things I've read and discussed with people in the past, my brain issues are not allowing me to read long articles at ...