I know I haven't written in a long time. Longer than my typical winter hiatus. My usual break is caused by the usual work and holiday clusterfuck, no personal time, mandatory work over time. This break was partly caused by that, and mostly caused by something else; people being cowards. People not handling their own shit. Me not being able to speak for myself, or just not realizing fast enough.
I thought something was wrong with me, for a long time. Maybe I was too queer, or too queer looking. Or too fat. Or not sexual enough. Or too sexual. Or a bad partner. Or ugly. Or my hair was too short. Or my house wasn't nice enough.. Or especially, that the kind of play I'm into and the kinks I have aren't ok and I should feel bad for being into them. That was a really big one... I'm not saying these things because I need reassurance or support in not thinking them. I'm saying them because this is the part of relationships people don't talk about.
I don't really want to go into specifics. The people I'm referring to (I assume) feel badly about what they did, and how they treated me, or what they said to me, or what they didn't say. I hope they can at least learn from their mistakes and treat other people better in the future, or use this experience to get a better handle on their own lives and solve some of their internal issues. Maybe we can be friendly again in the future. Maybe we can't. I really, actually, honestly don't know.
My trust in people was burnt down to nothing. For the first time in my life, it's something I've had to actually rebuild. In my head I imagined my trust as a little house of sticks, then a little house of straw, and then a little house of bricks. Right now I'm like a dog, standing with one stick in its mouth. It may only be one stick, but it's my stick and it's the first step in rebuilding my tiny trust house of sticks.
It's taken me over 6 months to even want to come back to the community. It's taken me six months to want to sit down and write this and get it out. Believe me, I've tried to do so before. But all that came out was anger, and hurt. Those emotions aren't me. I held my energy until I could focus it in a way where personal growth would be the outcome and not rage or revenge. A conversation with a friend helped me see through a lot of things today. This isn't my fault. And while I clung to the notion of a good play partner (more than one, actually, this is not about a single person), they weren't good partners to me and I can't base my faith or trust for all people in the actions of a few people.
I'm taking things very slowly. I'm planning on attending Winter Fire, but I'm not absolutely sure.
Play has always been so hard for me. It's not going to get any easier. All I do know is that I have a few more guidelines to operate in and I'll have no problem speaking for myself in the future. Causal play leaves me deeply unfulfilled. My community, the Dc/Balt community is very casual-play focused. That isn't something I find fulfilling. If you've asked me to play any time in the last... year and I've said no, that is why. I don't want casual. I don't want long distance. I don't want one-off scenes, or "maybe we can do a thing at X event," I really just want to find someone who wants to focus on me, and who I can focus on, D/s wise. It's a tall order to fill, and as cagey as I am right now, I'm not expecting anyone to volunteer as tribute.
Cigars Boots & Chocolate will be on the return. Kamm and I have been discussing a lot of things to open that back up again.
All of that said. If you have a problem with me, or I've hurt you in the past... Come talk to me about it, if you'd like. If I'm unaware of my slight towards you I'll never be able to make it right. And if I do stand behind my words, you deserve to know why if you'd like to.
I thought something was wrong with me, for a long time. Maybe I was too queer, or too queer looking. Or too fat. Or not sexual enough. Or too sexual. Or a bad partner. Or ugly. Or my hair was too short. Or my house wasn't nice enough.. Or especially, that the kind of play I'm into and the kinks I have aren't ok and I should feel bad for being into them. That was a really big one... I'm not saying these things because I need reassurance or support in not thinking them. I'm saying them because this is the part of relationships people don't talk about.
I don't really want to go into specifics. The people I'm referring to (I assume) feel badly about what they did, and how they treated me, or what they said to me, or what they didn't say. I hope they can at least learn from their mistakes and treat other people better in the future, or use this experience to get a better handle on their own lives and solve some of their internal issues. Maybe we can be friendly again in the future. Maybe we can't. I really, actually, honestly don't know.
My trust in people was burnt down to nothing. For the first time in my life, it's something I've had to actually rebuild. In my head I imagined my trust as a little house of sticks, then a little house of straw, and then a little house of bricks. Right now I'm like a dog, standing with one stick in its mouth. It may only be one stick, but it's my stick and it's the first step in rebuilding my tiny trust house of sticks.
It's taken me over 6 months to even want to come back to the community. It's taken me six months to want to sit down and write this and get it out. Believe me, I've tried to do so before. But all that came out was anger, and hurt. Those emotions aren't me. I held my energy until I could focus it in a way where personal growth would be the outcome and not rage or revenge. A conversation with a friend helped me see through a lot of things today. This isn't my fault. And while I clung to the notion of a good play partner (more than one, actually, this is not about a single person), they weren't good partners to me and I can't base my faith or trust for all people in the actions of a few people.
I'm taking things very slowly. I'm planning on attending Winter Fire, but I'm not absolutely sure.
Play has always been so hard for me. It's not going to get any easier. All I do know is that I have a few more guidelines to operate in and I'll have no problem speaking for myself in the future. Causal play leaves me deeply unfulfilled. My community, the Dc/Balt community is very casual-play focused. That isn't something I find fulfilling. If you've asked me to play any time in the last... year and I've said no, that is why. I don't want casual. I don't want long distance. I don't want one-off scenes, or "maybe we can do a thing at X event," I really just want to find someone who wants to focus on me, and who I can focus on, D/s wise. It's a tall order to fill, and as cagey as I am right now, I'm not expecting anyone to volunteer as tribute.
Cigars Boots & Chocolate will be on the return. Kamm and I have been discussing a lot of things to open that back up again.
All of that said. If you have a problem with me, or I've hurt you in the past... Come talk to me about it, if you'd like. If I'm unaware of my slight towards you I'll never be able to make it right. And if I do stand behind my words, you deserve to know why if you'd like to.
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