Big Coyote Energy

I've already started letting details slip. Not because I want to, but because my brain just isn't working properly. Literally. I now have medical documentation that states I'm essentially, on a bran function level "just kinda drunk" ALL THE TIME. And you know what, it feels like it. It's hard to concentrate. It's hard to verbalize. I have difficulty finding words or expressing myself or my feelings. It's been like that since the accident, not just camp. I actually felt some of the best I have felt since the accident, I just keep running into new problems. I essentially haven't been hungry in 5 days, which is alarming to me. You guys know how much I love food. I didn't get to play very much at camp. I also didn't feel very much like playing. The drive from PT to the grounds was absolutely exhausting. And the new trend of people arriving earlier and earlier every event is actually causing me a lot of issues. I like being one of the first ...

### A list of things that should be talked about. --- I found some words in my brain to vomit up and put on the internet. The following are my viewpoints, and my view points only. I'm concussed, so if this doesn't flow worth shit, file it under "things Ren does with a concussion." I will probably not be responding to comments in the long term. I may delete shitty off topic comments, or I might leave them and mock you, mercilessly. For transparency: I've done work for and gotten comped by DO for quite a few events. I host CBC for fusion, I boot black at Winter Fire, I have taught at previous events, I have run IONs. I have not paid to go to a DO event, short of this camp, in a hot minute. DO is my kink home and has been for a long time. I struggled for a while to figure out what to say, if anything, and how to say it, when I did figure out I wanted to talk. When you care about something, you should be honest. I care about the people who attend, my friends, ...

I just got done crying, because I got looped into an angry masturbation session, jacking it to things I shouldn't have been looking at [not a good bunch of erotica for me to read] anyway, and then needed to cum twice. I wanted to feel something other than the way I've been feeling for the past month. I should be asleep because I took the horse tranquilizer over an hour ago. It's hard. I've had "problems" for 4 weeks and I'm super fucking done with it. I can't imagine how people live like this. I'm a poor chronic pain candidate. Exceptionally poor. For those of you catching up: car accident, seatbelt failure, whiplash [pretty gnarly] and a much more severe concussion than first presented. I can generally deal with the body pain. As long as it's not whatever happened to me on a week ago. Where the pain was so bad both myself and my doctor feared I'd torn my rotator cuff entirely. I suddenly couldn't lift my right arm above my he...

The jaguar is an animal of great power and meaning to me, my guardian. That is why the jaguar is my Patronus. But when I close my eyes and look inside, there is a dog. The dog is the embodiment of who I am, what I am. It's always been that way. The dog is my loyalty, my joy, my fear, my submission. It ties into every aspect of my being, it's the way I make sense of my world. I've been wanting to write about submission and 'what it is' to me for a long time, but I've never been able to find the right words. With the dog analogy, it finally started to make sense. I have never seen myself as a slave. The biggest reason I don't identify as a slave is because at the end of the day, slaves are still human. I identify as property. What is property in the eye of the law? Animals... dogs. Dogs are property. The Owner/canine relationship really appeals to me in a way that is entirely separate from puppy play. My submission doesn't involve pretending to be a do...

So... Fusion. 2o16. Holy shitoley. Warning; this is quite a feels dump. I had exactly the camp I needed. I was so worried that it was going to be bad. And don't get me wrong... Wednesday and Thursday were sort of clusterfuckey for me. I wasn't sober much those two days because I was having trouble dealing with my own head. I had to come to terms with the depths of my own loneliness and actually accept it. For real, not just for pretend. It's been a really hard road. This was the first event I've been to as a single, functional person. I felt incredibly alone Wednesday and Thursday nights. I actually had pangs of it all throughout the event but some days were easier to deal with than others. I'm really impressed with myself for being able to form meaningful connections with new people and actually enjoy myself. I find it so incredibly difficult to trust people. I identify strongly with the Stray Dog. Once upon a time had a home and a warm bed with someone to ...

I'd like to be called Wren from now on. Wren, pronounced Ren. I know this seems like it's been coming out of nowhere, but in reality, I've been struggling with names for a long time. My old name, indey, just doesn't sit with me anymore. Hearing it sometimes hurts, and sometimes doesn't. And not knowing if it will fall wrong on my ears when someone I care about says it, is actually worse for me than knowing I don't like it. That is why I felt the need to change. The name indey has a lot of mental baggage associated with. Baggage that makes the name cumbersome and uncomfortable. I twinge when I hear it, even if you don't see me do it on the outside. Indey used to be my puppy name, short for Indiana. Where Kamm was from. It's a name that I decided to use as my scene name shortly after I got involved in the public community. There are a number of exes who call me by that name, when or if they still even talk to me. For a number of reasons, I just wa...