Big Coyote Energy

Confession: I'm a furry. Sorry you had to find out this way. I'm not a weirdo furry , I'm an executive furry. I don't really tell people I'm a fur, because then the weird questions come up like "well I don't think you own a fursuit, and I don't think you have sex in it..." And both those things are true, I'm not a fursuiter type of furry and I've never had sex in a fursuit and I don't plan to (those things are stifling to be in). I've just always drawn furry art. Although if you ask I'll tell you I draw ~ ~Fantasy ~  art because it's a safer way to mention it, plus I draw dragons and shit so it counts. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. Back in my high school furry days, my fursona/personal character was a Pit Bull, her name was Arceninc (Arc for short) because I was Super Cool TM. . I still have her as a character, she's pretty great. I had her all of high school through college, when I change...

* (Note: This post is old, about a year old, but relevant in my life.) * This is hard to write. I get jealous. I shame myself about what gets me off. My name is Ren and the above two sentences are honest statements. I haven't posted a Winter Fire write up (this would have been Winter Fire 2017). I know. I'm slow. But I think, part of that, is because I need to get this out first. I needed to wrangle my feelings. I've done a lot of consensually fucked up stuff with people. My carefully crafted tower of kink cards began the slow descent to chaos a few years ago when I had a series of break ups in quick succession. I  had  lovely, supportive partners who communicated with me, and were open, and understanding. ... I thought. But I didn't have that. I thought I did, for a long time. That my relationships were good, and they were fulfilling. And they brought me joy. And those things are true, I was always given  just  enough to keep me craving more. Even today...

*Note this writing was originally written over a year ago* Spoiler alert: I don't think I know how to date. Outside the scene, or inside of it. Especially inside of it. I've had a large number of negative experiences with poly, or non-monogamy in general. Veto power is pretty much a no-go for me at this point. I don't want to get involved with anyone with at least one additional serious relationship because I don't feel like there is any room for me within the relationship. Poly is not all fun and games. I'm not a unicorn. I don't want to date your; wife, girlfriend, partner or submissive. I don't want to be a triad or a V. I don't want to compete for attention or love or time. I am  super  over that right now. The local area here seems to be super into casual play or party-only play, but nothing more serious. I can't do casual kink. I've tried. It's where I've had my consent violated, multiple times. It's left me feeling repla...

I want to do so much, and have the energy for so little. Kinking with a concussion is serious bad news bears. In fact, existing at all is a struggle. I registered for RambleGrue at the same time I registered for DO Summer Camp, before the concussion. I didn't imagine myself playing much, if at all at Grue, which turned out to be true, but okay. I've come to accept I have limitations and the concussion business makes it hard to remember things and does things in my brain that make play difficult. My pain tolerance sucks because I'm so tired all the time, or my brain gets caught up on things it has no business thinking about ---the brain weasels. So I'd mostly taken play off the table. What I did want to exercise and experience were a few things; Experience GRUE. My right to exist in the world as a complex human being. Using my words to ask for the things I wanted. Try to come to a place of peace with how I've been feeling in the universe. I really, reall...

I've already started letting details slip. Not because I want to, but because my brain just isn't working properly. Literally. I now have medical documentation that states I'm essentially, on a bran function level "just kinda drunk" ALL THE TIME. And you know what, it feels like it. It's hard to concentrate. It's hard to verbalize. I have difficulty finding words or expressing myself or my feelings. It's been like that since the accident, not just camp. I actually felt some of the best I have felt since the accident, I just keep running into new problems. I essentially haven't been hungry in 5 days, which is alarming to me. You guys know how much I love food. I didn't get to play very much at camp. I also didn't feel very much like playing. The drive from PT to the grounds was absolutely exhausting. And the new trend of people arriving earlier and earlier every event is actually causing me a lot of issues. I like being one of the first ...

### A list of things that should be talked about. --- I found some words in my brain to vomit up and put on the internet. The following are my viewpoints, and my view points only. I'm concussed, so if this doesn't flow worth shit, file it under "things Ren does with a concussion." I will probably not be responding to comments in the long term. I may delete shitty off topic comments, or I might leave them and mock you, mercilessly. For transparency: I've done work for and gotten comped by DO for quite a few events. I host CBC for fusion, I boot black at Winter Fire, I have taught at previous events, I have run IONs. I have not paid to go to a DO event, short of this camp, in a hot minute. DO is my kink home and has been for a long time. I struggled for a while to figure out what to say, if anything, and how to say it, when I did figure out I wanted to talk. When you care about something, you should be honest. I care about the people who attend, my friends, ...

I just got done crying, because I got looped into an angry masturbation session, jacking it to things I shouldn't have been looking at [not a good bunch of erotica for me to read] anyway, and then needed to cum twice. I wanted to feel something other than the way I've been feeling for the past month. I should be asleep because I took the horse tranquilizer over an hour ago. It's hard. I've had "problems" for 4 weeks and I'm super fucking done with it. I can't imagine how people live like this. I'm a poor chronic pain candidate. Exceptionally poor. For those of you catching up: car accident, seatbelt failure, whiplash [pretty gnarly] and a much more severe concussion than first presented. I can generally deal with the body pain. As long as it's not whatever happened to me on a week ago. Where the pain was so bad both myself and my doctor feared I'd torn my rotator cuff entirely. I suddenly couldn't lift my right arm above my he...